Strangely Naked

I’ve been working at fundraiser’s all weekend (Do you like how I couldn’t just say I was working all weekend, I had to point out how magnanimous I am by working fundraisers? Sheesh, who is this egomaniacal creep I’ve turned into? Then, instead of deleting the first part, I go into this self-deprecating tirade to show how humble I am? Yikes. It’s like a celebrity who volunteers to feed the homeless and calls the paparazzi. Wow, now I just compared myself to a celebrity and here I am pointing out how egregious that is, will my spiral of self-aggrandizement ever end? Yes, right here.) one of which was a 5K Fun Run.Because in everyone’s lifetime they will be somehow involved in a 5K voluntarily or by fun-run-force.

Something I overheard has stuck with me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. An 11-or-12 year old kid and his dad were walking away when the kid says, “Jeez, Dad, talk about top ten things you don’t say to your wife.” That’s all I heard. No context. What could it have been that was so egregious that your pre-teen son calls you out for saying it?

Well, here’s what I thought those top ten could be:

1. I don’t know what your problem is, my girlfriend loves that restaurant.

   

2. Honey, I’ve been doing some budgeting and I think we can afford some plastic surgery for you. Isn’t that great!?!
3. No, that dress is great, drag queens are super hip right now. (See, I could write for a sitcom back in 1987.)
4. I’m thinking of dabbling in artisinal heroin.
5. Aww, that’s cute how you think your television choices are above condescension. Don’t bring those up in conversation, it would embarrass us.
6. Can you change in the other room, I was about to have breakfast.
7. Hey, what do you think would happen if we BOTH tried?
8. Sweetie, be reasonable, I’m not asking you to touch him, just be in the room when my dad masturbates, please?
9. Just–Just take your hand and run it under my tummy flap and tell me if that creamy stuff is organic.
10. Have I ever showed you the album I made of your pre-childbirth vagina? It has more Likes than our trip to Hawaii or your lactating breasts or our baby posed with a kitten.

Of course my obsession with this out-of-context statement also lead me to think about horrible things one could say to his/her husband (also known as “Insecurity Theater”):

1. Yeah, you did good. Have I ever told you about this thing my college boyfriend, Geoff used to do? I miss him. He was huge.

   

2. I don’t get wet, I get MOIST.
3. You should probably wash your face…What now? That’s your contribution to Movember? Yikes. It makes Joh Waters’ mustache look like Sam Elliott’s.
4. You should close the garage door and start the car, I hear it gives you an AMAZING high.
5. Oh no, but don’t worry, I don’t care about ass quality. I think. Well, I can try, anyway. Fake it until you make it, right?
6. Well, I guess this is the point where I admit my “sugar daddy” idea didn’t pan out.
7. I didn’t think I could be happy never orgasming, but you proved me wrong. What, I said I was happy!?!
8. Oh, that’s so sweet, it’s like you’re cosplaying as my dad. Except, ew.
9. But honey, it’s organic meth.
10. Your hair is fine, it’s like Danny Devito’s.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to cry myself into unconsciousness. Socrates be damned, the examined life is only worthy of depressed tears.