Strangely Naked

Yesterday marked the passing of a major sporting event (am I showing off how much of a jock I am?). When one of these sporting matches occurs on a Sunday, it tends to inspire gatherings, gluttony and unchecked consumption of an irrational amount of alcohol. So what follows a display of elite athleticism is the direct inverse, a wave of humanity barely able to stand or reconcile what they see in the mirror, felled by the illumination of single LED bulb or the clicking of a pen. Perhaps the galactic effort it takes to endure life through the lens of a hangover deserves the same sort of professional commentary that athletic events necessitate.

“Good morning inebriation fans and welcome to the biggest delirium tremens event of the year. Today pits Philip “40 Ounce” Stinson against the remnants of an astounding amount of varied alcohols. Let’s look at what got Phil to the big game today.”

“After a rocky start spilling a bit of guacamole on the carpet, Phil came on strong by downing two HIgh Life’s in quick succession. During the second quarter, with very little food in his system, potentially battling a winter cold, Phil valiantly sucked down a shot of whiskey and two more beers before halftime. Halftime was marred by a nearly season-ending injury when standing outside, a teammate of Phil’s, “Goddamn Andy”, narrowly avoided setting Phil on fire when he flicked a lit cigarette that bounced off a tree and ricocheted at Phil’s hair. Phil celebrated his newfound lease on life by sucking down jello shots and eating some vodka soaked watermelon. Not remembering the end of the game is what propelled Phil through several more beers to staring at the linoleum of his bathroom.”

“Now the first thing Phil has to do is figure out if this is the bathroom at his house, and if so, how did he get home? If he can answer those questions, I’m confident he can make it to work.”

“That’s right, Boomer, but first he’s going to have to decide if he’s going to vomit and if he has time for a shower. It looks like he’s, wow, he held it in. That’s an interesting play call.”

“Well, Chris, just because he didn’t pull the trigger on this play, doesn’t mean he can’t opt to do it a little later in the game. But here’s something, he’s getting in the shower with his socks on. I guess the little man trying to pound his way out of Phil’s head is causing some judgement issues.”

“If you’re a Phil fan, you can’t be happy about that. Earlier in the season he was penalized for taking a Tylenol, hopefully he remembers the penalty he suffered for that and opts instead for Aspirin.”

“So far this year his performance under pressure like this has–Well, no sooner do I say that then he vomits in the shower. Ya hate to see that.”

“Looks like this is going to be a real come-from-behind game if he’s going to make it through this hangover. The thing you don’t often see in a hangover like this is all the phone calls Phil is going to have to make to piece together what happened and where he needs to air out some apologies. He just has to hope those apologies will meet their receivers.”

“Phil is running out of time here. He needs to watch the clock if he’s going to get to work on time.”

“And he’s out of timeouts after last week when he used up the car trouble excuse.”

“He has opted to NOT brush his teeth.”
“That may come back to haunt him.”

“His pants are giving him a real fight, not to mention he doesn’t have time to iron his shirt. Uh oh, he has the phone and is going back to lay in bed.”
“You know that room is spinning like the blades on a ballerina on PCP dancing on a working helicopter blade.”

“Uh, you said it, Boomer. It appears as though…Yep, Phil is calling it. He’s forfeiting the day. He has called in sick and will be spending the day on the bench…vomiting.”

Okay, maybe hangover commentary isn’t the best idea.