Strangely Naked

In the world of hygiene, there are two options: the bar or liquid soap. I fall squarely on the side of liquid, but I will do my best to remain neutral in the exploration of this topic. People still using bars of soap: why? You do know that technology has advanced beyond that, right? It’s like using a flip phone instead of a smart phone. Is it something you learned in prison? Something born from nostalgia? Again, I’m impartial here. I just want to present an even and fair view of both sides. Whatever method people want to use to ensure the integrity of their scent is fine with me.

If you’re using just a bar, not only are you cultivating a layer of soap scum on every tile in your shower, but are you carefully crafting a science experiment on that part of your back that no one can reach? Have you hired a team of adventurers to hack through the flora to discover the new fauna you’re cultivating on that hard-to-reach spot? Hey, maybe it’s enjoyable for you to scrub the grout, a meditative experience, and to have critters on your hard-to-reach-spot keeping you company. No judgement.

Is there a sense of adventure when using a bar of soap, like, “hey, that hair glued to the surface of the bar doesn’t look like mine, no one in this family has curly…uh oh.” Maybe you avoid all of that by using a washcloth. Maybe you know the exact amount of uses it takes before a washcloth becomes completely unusable. Maybe you just want to use the quaint, outdated soap dish that seems to come standard with every shower. Which, hey, in the interest in impartiality, I appreciate making use of an otherwise useless appendage like figuring out something to do with the human tailbone.

People who put bars of soap out by sinks in their home: why do you hate your guests and your hands? Everyone has had that moment where you got a little something on your wiping hand, and in that moment, would you rather have liquid hand soap, or a bar of soap that you have to squish between your palms, pushing through that strange gelatin layer, gently replacing it on the grotesque dish? Truly, that’s a question, posed in the most equitable, dispassionate way possible.

It surprises me that hotels still provide bars of soap which they seem to expect you to use simultaneously both in the shower and next to the sink. I’m fairly certain, if they could get away with it, hotels would call that bar of soap “body, hand and hair nourishing formula.” Also, you’re lucky to get two body towels, but wash clothes, wash clothes as far as the eye can see, all in service of the love of bars of soap. I can’t imagine it’s more cost effective to buy mountains of bars of one-time-use only bars of soap rather than have a refillable soap dispenser next to the sink. Which I only mention to give equal time to both sides of the argument.

Well, that’s a pretty good nondiscriminatory overview of the controversy between bar and liquid soaps. I hope that my journalistic evenhandedness gave you enough information that you are able to, on your own, without influence, taking into account just the facts, come to a reasoned opinion on the matter yourself.