During my morning commute, a bird burst out of the bushes on the side of the road and threw itself at my car. Before I could react, what I think was a scrub-jay (no, I don’t want no scrubs…embedded in the grill of my car) or a grackle made a sickening slap as it bounced off the front of my car and into oblivion. Poof, up it went in a burst of feathers like a magician released a dove in front of Ted Nugent.
While, I don’t necessarily like birds, I do fear and respect them. Why? There is a popular theory out there that dinosaurs didn’t all die out but evolved into birds. That means that there’s something in birds’ genetic code that tells them that they used to rule the planet unchecked, that they were the Alpha predator, but now they aren’t. You can only neuter world rulers so much before they fight back. Keeping a parrot in a cage and making it mimic human language is like reaching into the past and putting clown shoes on a Tyrannosaurus. Birds know they once ruled and want the world back.
So, while I do not lament the death of this former apex predator, I do fear that I was made a pawn in this bird’s long-range plans. I dismiss offhand that this was an accident. Anyone who has ever driven has felt like they were inevitably going to run over a bird only to have it dart off at the last second or disappear like a feathered teleporter. The bird was clearly suicidal, I can’t rejoice in being reduced to a tool used in its scheme to leave this aviary called Earth.
Worse than being reduced to a tool, by forcing me to kill it, to be its instrument of death, the bird has damned me. Much like a criminal who marches up to cops waving a gun so they kill him (called “suicide-by-cop”), this bird has compromised my mortal soul. At the very least, it has caused me great psychological distress. And what about the bird’s family? Surely they will be seeking revenge. Every chirp may be a call to action. Every flap of feather may be a taloned harbinger of beaked-justice raining down upon me.
This may have been the turning point. The birds may not be able to distinguish between us and make their move. I recommend arming yourselves with BB guns and slingshots if you do not wish for the reign of humanity to end. Good luck to me, good luck to us all.