Strangely Naked

I have grown up enamored by folksy colloquialisms. My friend’s dad once said of the rain, “it’s like a cow pissing on a flat rock.” This type of simple-yet-beautiful metaphor captured my imagination.There’s nothing more charming to me than when someone casually drops something akin to, “that dog won’t hunt,” in a conversation.

I want to cultivate that charming folksisms. There’s a bit of down-home, relatable wisdom that endears you to people who enjoy bumper stickers and motivational posters. But I can’t just start using these metaphors without honing them first. Hence, I have to try them out here first.

“Hotter than a St. Bernard on a treadmill in a sauna.” Alternative: “Hotter ‘n an armpit of a sumo wrestler running a July marathon in Florida.”

“Colder than a naked armadillo at Christmas ‘neath the tire of a snow cone dealer.”

“That boy’s dumber’n a hat over a toupee.” Maybe that should have said “superfluous” rather than “dumb.” Or maybe I should make it more rural, like, “He’s dumber’n a pair a pants on a cow.” Nah, that’t not fun and folksy enough. A folksy metaphor has to baffle you at first hearing then cause you to sort of think it contains a bit of wisdom. “He’s dumber’n a

“That makes about as much sense as a fart from a penis.” Maybe the most apt of metaphors.

“That sounds about as risky as sneaking up on a bear toyin’ with its prostate.” I picture this used when someone talks about stock investments.

When someone does something blisteringly stupid: “Holy hell, boy, ya’ might as well lick a faulty outlet.” Yuck, snooze. I can do better. “Ya’ might as well fart on a slow cooker.” Closer, but let me give you a menu of metaphors. “Well, that’s about as bright as lightin’ fireworks from yer ear.

I think what I’m learning is that the metaphors is that you need to make them more convoluted so that you can say less, drop the half-assed metaphor, then sneak off like you have something to do before you’re exposed as a fraud. Then I can be seen as “wise” while also lowering expectations.  “Oh, that rural slack-jawed dummy occasionally drools some home-spun wisdom. This must be a person able to simplistically boil down the most complex issues into shallow similes that we can all understand!” We all have dreams, this is mine.

Your own homespun similes and metaphors are welcomed.