80’s Patrol

With a slew of celebrities whose heyday was the 1980’s getting exposed as creeps, racists or outright monsters, I think we need to create a special security bureau to monitor other 80’s stars. If we had a special task force watching out for the public good, protecting us against 80’s stars, maybe we wouldn’t have been victimized by Cosby, or subjected to Hulk Hogan’s greatest  Heel turn, or hell, even that dude who played Screech stabbed a guy with a pen on Christmas. The stars of the 80’s are becoming a scourge on polite society.

Yep, that's Prince, arrested for "pulling a prank" on an airplane. Didn't do prison time because this was pre-9/11
Yep, that’s Prince, arrested for “pulling a prank” on an airplane. Didn’t do prison time because this was pre-9/11

Rob Lowe has had a career renaissance lately, but let us not forget that he is a statutory rapist and was brazen enough to film his crime. Winona Ryder is a kleptomaniac. We know way too much about what lies in the heart of Melly Mel Gibson. Robert Downey Jr. is beloved now but is a fly’s hair away from falling off the wagon and breaking into another family’s home to sleep in a child’s bed. Kiefer Sutherland treats driving drunk like a sport. Tom Selleck is stealing water during a drought. Mike Tyson, the entire cast of Different Strokes, the Coreys Haim and Feldman, the list goes on! Something needs to be done to stop the menace that is people who were famous in the 1980’s!

I had to choose this mugshot of Iron Man out of the many that were available.
I had to choose this mugshot of Iron Man out of the many that were available.

Luckily for all of you, I’ve already taken to observing some of the 80’s stars who have displayed at-risk behaviors. I’m like those people in Minority Report who swam in the goo and predicted future crimes except, instead of being psychic, I just watched an insane amount of television as a kid, and instead of swimming in goo, my brain is goo.

With an unhealthy obsession with devouring cats, the first subject under surveillance has been Alf. We must make sure that Alf, aka Gordon Shumway (wow, I didn’t even look that up, that information is just there, taking up valuable real estate in my brain) does not turn his already dark compulsion into a fetish.

Alf eating a cat
How does Alf know he likes eating cats? We have to presume it’s through experience. How many cats has Alf eaten and what variety is his favorite?

Surveillance was called off of the dads from My Two Dads as it turns out it wasn’t a strange cult, but rather two men in a loving relationship that has only recently been recognized by the federal government of the U.S.

Pee Wee! Arrested for touching his wee pee.
Pee Wee! Arrested for touching his wee pee.

We are still monitoring V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder, if for no other reason than a fear of the robot uprising. (By the way, once again, I know the name of the robot from a short-lived show when I could have been learning calculus or a foreign language. NOPE! I know things like this and the price of laundry detergent back in 1989 because I watched Price is Right a thousand times.)

Woody Harrelson, arrested for disturbing the peace, aka being a 21 year old.

Despite all of the great work I’m already doing, I need help. I can’t keep up with David Hasselhoff or The Greatest American Hero or Ricky Schroeder (who I suspect that Silver Spoon of his helped drive the ego that lead to the 2008 financial crisis).

By the way, it’s not necessarily their fault, 80’s pop culture human ephemera aren’t inherently criminal, they are simply the victim of the volume of cocaine blanketing the world back then like a Canadian Winter. Just because there’s an excuse doesn’t mean we don’t have to be vigilant. If you see the likes of a David Faustino or John Larroquette on the street, do not approach, but keep an eye on ’em.


Add yours →

  1. The mild-mannered dweeb who played the Dad on ALF was apparently a total drug addict. Something serious, like heroin. That’s my trivia tidbit to add to your mix!


  2. abeerfortheshower August 17, 2015 — 8:01 am

    Are you telling me that the 1980s were not the greatest decade of the last 100 years? Because 80s nostalgia is huge right now (for some reason) and you’re really killing my 80sboner(TM) with all of this talk of rape and theft and eating cats.


    • If I did say out loud or in print that the 80’s weren’t the ultimate decade by which all other decades are or ought-to-be judged, the ghost of Ronald Reagan with the ghost of Al Pacino playing Scarface riding on the ghost of Reagan piggyback, would show up, slap me, then force me to talk in a really forced speech pattern.


  3. It’s s shame that whole decade can’t just be written out of history.

    Well, I mean, I was born in the Eighties, so we’d have to find some way to get around the decade while still saving me, Pink Floyd’s “The Final Cut” and Tom Waits’ “Swordfishtrombones.”


  4. I believe cats were the preferred food on Alf’s home planet, Melmac. I didn’t have to look that up either… Omigosh, I just realized my brain is like 63% 80’s TV trivia too.


  5. I wonder if in say 30 years from now people will be talking about the stars of the early 21st century the same way as we are talking about those from the 1980’s and such


  6. The eighties are greaties because my children were born in 1980 and 1986. I never saw Alf nor Small Wonder nor much of anything else. I was busy. I don’t know who was high, but It was not I. I go back in TV time and know all the theme songs to Petticoat Junction, Gilligan’s Island, The Beverly Hillbillies–the list goes on and on. And I didn’t learn those songs on TV Land. I am old, but I like me just the way I am. I get tired of people who say America lost its innocence on 9/11. America lost its innocence most likely the first day white people stepped on its hallowed ground.



  7. Downey looks awfully proud to be 5’10”.

    I can’t think of any stars I liked in the 80s who are doing alright now.


  8. I left civilization in the early 80’s. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Only go back to visit about twice a year.


  9. WHAT?!!!! Tom Selleck is stealing water during a drought?


  10. Where’s my comment?

    As I said….

    What?!!!!! Tom Selleck is stealing water during a drought?


  11. I tried to comment twice… but your blog doesn’t like me. I know, 80’s patrol…


  12. Sorry, I’m busy keeping a close watch on the people I grew up with in the 90s and 00s 😛


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