With a slew of celebrities whose heyday was the 1980’s getting exposed as creeps, racists or outright monsters, I think we need to create a special security bureau to monitor other 80’s stars. If we had a special task force watching out for the public good, protecting us against 80’s stars, maybe we wouldn’t have been victimized by Cosby, or subjected to Hulk Hogan’s greatest Heel turn, or hell, even that dude who played Screech stabbed a guy with a pen on Christmas. The stars of the 80’s are becoming a scourge on polite society.
Rob Lowe has had a career renaissance lately, but let us not forget that he is a statutory rapist and was brazen enough to film his crime. Winona Ryder is a kleptomaniac. We know way too much about what lies in the heart of Melly Mel Gibson. Robert Downey Jr. is beloved now but is a fly’s hair away from falling off the wagon and breaking into another family’s home to sleep in a child’s bed. Kiefer Sutherland treats driving drunk like a sport. Tom Selleck is stealing water during a drought. Mike Tyson, the entire cast of Different Strokes, the Coreys Haim and Feldman, the list goes on! Something needs to be done to stop the menace that is people who were famous in the 1980’s!
Luckily for all of you, I’ve already taken to observing some of the 80’s stars who have displayed at-risk behaviors. I’m like those people in Minority Report who swam in the goo and predicted future crimes except, instead of being psychic, I just watched an insane amount of television as a kid, and instead of swimming in goo, my brain is goo.
With an unhealthy obsession with devouring cats, the first subject under surveillance has been Alf. We must make sure that Alf, aka Gordon Shumway (wow, I didn’t even look that up, that information is just there, taking up valuable real estate in my brain) does not turn his already dark compulsion into a fetish.
Surveillance was called off of the dads from My Two Dads as it turns out it wasn’t a strange cult, but rather two men in a loving relationship that has only recently been recognized by the federal government of the U.S.
We are still monitoring V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder, if for no other reason than a fear of the robot uprising. (By the way, once again, I know the name of the robot from a short-lived show when I could have been learning calculus or a foreign language. NOPE! I know things like this and the price of laundry detergent back in 1989 because I watched Price is Right a thousand times.)
Despite all of the great work I’m already doing, I need help. I can’t keep up with David Hasselhoff or The Greatest American Hero or Ricky Schroeder (who I suspect that Silver Spoon of his helped drive the ego that lead to the 2008 financial crisis).
By the way, it’s not necessarily their fault, 80’s pop culture human ephemera aren’t inherently criminal, they are simply the victim of the volume of cocaine blanketing the world back then like a Canadian Winter. Just because there’s an excuse doesn’t mean we don’t have to be vigilant. If you see the likes of a David Faustino or John Larroquette on the street, do not approach, but keep an eye on ’em.