Hire a Protester

There’s seemingly a lot of anger out there. Now, I know that this is probably an artificial mirage caused by the internet. There’s probably the same amount of anger that has always been out there, but now the megaphone is bigger. However, mistakenly use “your” instead of “you’re” on the internet and you will know that rage is ever-prevalent. Just as the internet has over-exposed us to rage, it has splintered the rage of the populace into very specific and very fleeting causes.

How most anger starts. "You don't like the the thing that I like and you're telling me I'm wrong and I don't want to be wrong!"
How most anger starts. “You don’t like the the thing that I like and you’re telling me I’m wrong and I don’t want to be wrong!”  Source, sort of.

At one minute we’re angry at a comedian for a dumb tweet–Wait, some dentist killed a lion that has a name–ACK! Someone over there said something mildly insensitive about something I care about–Oh no, Donald “Sour-Faced Orange Swirl of Self Denial” Trump said something into a microphone! There’s too much to be angry about so whatever pet cause you are interested in protesting is lost in the din of the ever-shifting tides of social media aggrandizement-through-pseudo-anger.

If you want the world to know you’re angry about something but don’t have the sustained interest to generate a movement or the barest of attention to your pet cause,  I have a solution for you (if you have enough money)! For a modest fee, my team of operatives and I will protest whatever you want protested. We will make the signs, we will make fuss, we will manufacture the outrage for you! An angry tweet is about as effective at enacting change as a fart in a field on a windy day. Let us be your fart in a crowded elevator on a Summer day! The world will smell your wrath.

Image from the hilarious SaturdayChores who counter protest for funsies.
Image from the hilarious SaturdayChores who counter protest for funsies.

Now, I’m a Social Justice Pacifist. All that means is that I don’t get worked up for much. But if you pay me, I will get worked up for things I didn’t even know anyone cared about! You’re enraged that your favorite TV show was cancelled? I’ll rally people to convince the network the show they’re losing money on deserves one more season (success of protest is not guaranteed). Are you the only radicalized Christian left outside Planned Parenthood who doesn’t make the connection that Planned Parenthood does more to prevent reckless sex in a day than a million “abstinence only” classes do or have done throughout recorded history you deranged myopic hypocrite? Give me a call, just know that the cost of my services is based on an arbitrary sliding scale depending on how much of a vile ass-clown I deem you to be.

I tried, but can't find the original creator. Here's my source.
I tried, but can’t find the original creator. Here’s my source.

At Hire-A-Protester, there’s no cause to small, we price them all!  That’s not a very good slogan. Maybe there’s another fart metaphor I could use…Got it: Don’t let your anger be a fart in an open convertible driving down the freeway, let us be your juicy airplane fart! Fart metaphors are the best way to market a fledgling business, right? Hey, maybe you want to protest excessive fart metaphors in blogs: Don’t be like a muffled fart while swimming in the ocean, let us magnify your fart like when you barely poot in a shower and the steam magnifies it as though you just pooped.


Add yours →

  1. Man, that sounds like so much work. How much do you think someone would pay me for passive aggressively subtweeting someone? I can do that.


  2. abeerfortheshower August 31, 2015 — 7:51 am

    So as a comedy writer, can we hire you to protest the protesters that get unnecessarily angry over something we joke about? I mean, if we’re going to one day post about Caitlyn Jenner we’re going to need all the help we can get. I’m pretty sure Tumblr itself will launch an all out assault against us (YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT HER, SHE IS AN AMERICAN HERO!).

    Liked by 1 person

    • My grandmother has a gushing head wound, so I really didn’t appreciate your making jokes about gushing head wounds in your post today.

      Expect Pickleope to show up at your house and to start a viral campaign against you shortly.


    • I know. Before there was Caitlyn, my posts about Bruce Jenner got lots of praise and laughter. But when I posted about Caitlyn, I was shunned as “very unpolitically correct.” <–That's as nice as my kind followers are when they become enraged. I have even less respect for Bruce and Caitlyn now, but that statement ignites fury. How much is your modest fee, Pickelope Von Pickleope? Is it truly modest? At any rate, you're my hero.


    • I keep trying to figure out why she’s a hero–or heroine. She had enough money to do what she wanted. So what? I don’t care. I had a chemistry professor many years ago who said that Bruce Jenner was his student teacher in his phys ed class. It was while Jenner was training for the Olympics. The professor said Jenner was the biggest asshole he ever met. What about the severe car accident he/she caused not so long ago? Why doesn’t anyone seem bothered by that?


  3. debrashewhoseeks August 31, 2015 — 8:36 am

    We can always count on you for a good fart metaphor. You are the Wordsworth of Wind.


  4. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
    -Mitch Hedburg.


  5. What are your rates? Do they include travel?


  6. How much is your starting rate? Also, do I have to post your bail to get your ass out of jail, or is that part of the going rate? Do you pay for your plane and hotel or is that also part of the rate?


  7. I have my “causes,” but I find it difficult to get worked up now that I don’t have a crazy husband. I’m too well medicated to get very upset. I guess you can protest my ex-husband for being a jerk. Just don’t do anything that keeps him from earning money because he needs to send it to me.



  8. You see I knew it, not one fart joke. . . . How come Donald Trump is so popular if no one likes him.

    Ah maybe I can work out where the fart joke is. . . . . .


  9. I’m like you….never get fired up enough about an issue to carry a sign around and look stupid!


  10. Just out of curiosity, if someone were offended by the services your protesters for hire business offers, could they hire you to protest you? You’d have to think that’s be the easiest job ever. You guys wouldn’t even have to leave the office parking lot.


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