Strangely Naked

I have a lot of questions for chefs. And I mean head chefs, not the guy who makes waffles at the Super 8 buffet, the guy who runs a restaurant and determines the menu. Not taking away anything from the person who sets out the tiny boxes of cereal or anything, but I’m talking to the masochists who devote their lives to making people who put a utensil loaded with a carefully crafted set of ingredients into their mouth, roll their eyes back, and effusively emit an “MMmmmMMMmmm” sound.

But I don’t have access to any chefs willing to waste their time being bombarded with questions from an internet weirdo (which, I prefer in real life to try and redirect the label to “eccentric”). So, in lieu of an actual person, I’ll ask the world what I want to know about professional, respected chefs.

1. What lead you into the chef life? I don’t really care, but I’d like to give some context to you as a person. Especially if the answer is something like, “My momma beat me with a rolling pin and the only pleasant thing about my youth was the smell of flour that was left on my bruised heinie .”
2. When you’re making a living making people dinner, when do you eat dinner? When do you have a date? How do you have a family?
3. Are you able to just relax and have a simple pizza or a chicken wing?
4. Are there recovering alcoholic chefs who don’t bother with all that wine pairing nonsense? Do they know about pairing juice boxes or prescriptions with certain meals?
5. What’s up with those chef coats? That’s a lot of buttons, don’t tailors-to-the-chefs know that you have to move fast? Wouldn’t a zipper be preferable?

   

6. If I roll up to a farmers market and just start munching on product, they get pissed, you do it and they get nervous about your review. I guess my question is, how do I convince these annoying farmers that I am worthy of unlimited free samples?
7. Why do all reviewers seem to be the chubby children of Meshach Taylor’s character from Mannequin?
8. At what point do you get to stop wearing a hair net?
9. Does it ever stop being annoying working with bad sous chefs or inept waiter staff?
10. You work so hard to craft this experience, all this time on presentation, call it an art. Does it hurt your feelings to know that it all turns into poop? Do you lament every poop, like, “it’s the end of an era, my friend. Safe journey (flush).”

I would probably have some followup questions, but I don’t know a chef outside of the person carefully weighing the . If you do know a chef, I encourage you to please give that person my email pickleope@gmail.com. And I swear, I will only ask the questions that Top Chef and Iron Chef have failed to answer…you know, if they wonder about my integrity and journalistic competence.