H–Hi? Uh, hello? How do I do this? I forget. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve tried to add to the pollution of internet detritus. Where do I introduce my first sardonic remark? Do I lose people’s attention right about here or does that come as soon as I press the publish button? I can do this, I just have to remember my endless capacity for masturbatory self-amusement. I’m just not sure I’m capable of churning out something remotely readable.
Who am I kidding? Honestly, aside from when I write it the first time, no one is reading this through. I don’t even read it through for a second draft, how can I expect anyone else to read it through? Just judging by some of the other blogs I’ve read (not yours, your blog is great!) I could probably fall asleep on the keyboard while writing nothing but onomatopoetic words for my farts and still generate a similar volume of “please reciprocate my comment!” comments.
It’s kind of shameful for me too. I was counting the days since I last blogged, like someone in AA looking to get their first chip. (For those not familiar with how AA works, people get together in a circle, share super depressing stories while drinking a Kool-Aid Man size pot of coffee and hoping to remain sober long enough to get a poker chip for apologizing to people who were dumb enough to be sober around a drunk person.) If I were caught blogging by someone I respected, I’d react as though my boss came into my cubicle while I had a rubber tube in my mouth that was tied around my bicep and had a syringe at the ready, searching for a vein while her mother was also in the cubicle crushing Oxycontin I gave her and, just for fun, we’re both in lingerie while wearing clown makeup. That’s how ashamed I am to be doing this.
But I couldn’t stay away. I just had to scratch the itch that is my insatiable desire to hear my own words bounce and echo throughout my brain chambers. But is this where I include a cartoon I drew so that people can more easily skim through the difficult word parts? It may be too difficult to navigate back into the spiral of self-doubt and mediocrity. Eh, what am I going to do, join the ranks of the forgotten ghost blogs? Become a YouTuber? Or worse, start a podcast!?! I shouldn’t have even written that, it’s like a curse, if you say it enough, suddenly you have a podcast. No, I’m compelled to do this, lest I torture my family with my rampant self-aggrandizement stirred with my misanthropic self-loathing.
I laughed out loud after reading your description of being “caught blogging.” Please don’t stop your masturbatory self-amusement. I like to watch, I mean, read.
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Now I’m wondering what kind of lingerie a pickle wears. Dat dill, doe!
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Can someone please make me shirt that says “Dat dill, doe”? I mean, I don’t think a shirt with that on it would help my standing in the community and may contribute to a restraining order from the local schools, but it’d be worth it.
LOL! The first two comments, though! How can I even say anything after that? When you are gone, we miss you. Does that help? It is true! Really!
Hey, i started (and abandoned) a podcast! It’s just a lot of work. If only we could spend all our time sharing our opinions on the internet! Has anyone figured out how to make that profitable yet??
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How long does an idea need to last in order to be considered to be masturbatory? I just come here to see if I can get a mental erection.
Thank you for the laugh this morning
You have the rare talent, PVP, of making a totally meaningless post about nothing completely hysterical. I don’t know how you do it, but I envy you.
You’re an excellent blogger. I read every word of your blog. If I don’t read your blog, it’s because I’m taking time off, or somehow I miss the publication. I am taking off this week, but I read your blog. I won’t do that for many people other than you. You are intelligent and hilarious.
Ooh! Ooh! Become a conspiracy theory YouTuber! You can never have too many of those, right?