H–Hi? Uh, hello? How do I do this? I forget. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve tried to add to the pollution of internet detritus. Where do I introduce my first sardonic remark? Do I lose people’s attention right about here or does that come as soon as I press the publish button? I can do this, I just have to remember my endless capacity for masturbatory self-amusement. I’m just not sure I’m capable of churning out something remotely readable.
Who am I kidding? Honestly, aside from when I write it the first time, no one is reading this through. I don’t even read it through for a second draft, how can I expect anyone else to read it through? Just judging by some of the other blogs I’ve read (not yours, your blog is great!) I could probably fall asleep on the keyboard while writing nothing but onomatopoetic words for my farts and still generate a similar volume of “please reciprocate my comment!” comments.
It’s kind of shameful for me too. I was counting the days since I last blogged, like someone in AA looking to get their first chip. (For those not familiar with how AA works, people get together in a circle, share super depressing stories while drinking a Kool-Aid Man size pot of coffee and hoping to remain sober long enough to get a poker chip for apologizing to people who were dumb enough to be sober around a drunk person.) If I were caught blogging by someone I respected, I’d react as though my boss came into my cubicle while I had a rubber tube in my mouth that was tied around my bicep and had a syringe at the ready, searching for a vein while her mother was also in the cubicle crushing Oxycontin I gave her and, just for fun, we’re both in lingerie while wearing clown makeup. That’s how ashamed I am to be doing this.
But I couldn’t stay away. I just had to scratch the itch that is my insatiable desire to hear my own words bounce and echo throughout my brain chambers. But is this where I include a cartoon I drew so that people can more easily skim through the difficult word parts? It may be too difficult to navigate back into the spiral of self-doubt and mediocrity. Eh, what am I going to do, join the ranks of the forgotten ghost blogs? Become a YouTuber? Or worse, start a podcast!?! I shouldn’t have even written that, it’s like a curse, if you say it enough, suddenly you have a podcast. No, I’m compelled to do this, lest I torture my family with my rampant self-aggrandizement stirred with my misanthropic self-loathing.