Strangely Naked

Stop wasting your time and ours, inventors. Oh, great, you created something to mend a screen with a hair dryer. Congratulations, you money grubbing sellout. Go ahead, whore your needless invention which you wasted precious moments of your life crafting on Shark Tank/Dragon’s Den and take the meager earnings you receive from toiling frivolously in your basement, AND INVEST IT IN AN INVENTION THAT’LL HELP HUMANITY!

I hate all of these stupid pseudo inventions on these shows and in infomercials. Anything that is labeled as “as seen on TV” is infuriating to me because it all means that people are taking their time crafting something for which there is no need. Meanwhile, there is one tremendous need that is not being addressed that plagues all homes.

We are able to regulate the temperature in our entire home, yet, in every sink, in every bathtub, in every shower, we are all stuck with guessing at getting the precise temperature we want. In my house, the hot and cold are different spigots, meaning I will never get a precise temperature coating my hands. Electricity? We have tamed the flowing bolts of current to a point where I can adjust the level of light in my dining room. Humanity has harnessed lightening and made it so that I can adjust its flow for naked slappy time light, book reading light, even “hide my shame by dimly lighting me shoveling cereal into my chew-hole” light. But water temperature eludes us. It’s either freezing or scalding or takes surgical precision and patience to get it to temperate.

It’s all ball bearings! Why is there no click-based faucets? A dial to precisely indicate to my pipes what temperature I want, that’s all I ask. Instead, we’re stuck with either dueling faucet handles or a weird joystick setup. The most advanced faucet is the motion sensor faucet, and those are terrible. I’ve never encountered a motion sensor faucet that has stayed on as long as I need it to or worked without my spastically and fervently waving my hands like I’m conducting a seance high on cocaine.

Any inventor working on anything other than: A) faucets that have a click dial to precisely give you the temperature you want; or B) A better water heater that doesn’t take 20 minutes to get the water warm, skip right past warm into scalding. Maybe we need a water-keep-warmer instead of a water heater.

This is even more prescient an issue given the looming water crises around the globe, we can’t afford to have the hot water faucet running as long as it takes to actually get warm. I can turn on my hot water faucet, enroll in a post-graduate degree program, change my major, get a double major, get put on academic probation after I waste my time perfecting my beer bong stance, eventually get my doctorate, go through the ceremony, listen to the various speakers drone on at the ceremony, then come back home and the water is finally tepid.

We are all living with, passively accepting a myriad of frustrations from a lack of standardization. A click-based faucet and quick-to-get-warm water should be standard. It’s like screwdrivers and screws. Is there really a purpose to having so many different types of screws and screw heads? Is there really an advantage to an allen head screw versus a flat head screw? Then there’s like 15 sizes of phillips head screwdrivers. One phillips head screwdriver should be able to work on all phillips head screws, but they don’t. Okay, maybe there’s an advantage to the different types, but how about we narrow down all screw driver heads to maybe three standard types. I’m not against competition, but let’s get some uniformity in these industries.

But by all means, self-proclaimed innovators and creators, instead of working on something that will make all of our lives better, keep on crafting and perfecting that pet hair dye, buttholes.