Blow it All Up, United Statesians!

“American” and “America” are desperately egocentric words that encompass a much broader audience than the user intended. But those are the most appropriate terms for the most patriotic citizens of the U.S.of America. The myopia and arrogance and insecurity it takes to scream “America” while flying a flag of a very small part of the multiple land masses with geographic imperatives attached to the word “America,” is exceedingly possessive  of a word and also revealing of a people who are willfully–rightfully–ignorant of facts that do not matter to their sphere of knowledge. In other words, enjoy blowing  shit up, Americans!

Simpsons did it!
Simpsons did it!

It’s the 4th of July, meaning it’s time to celebrate the success of the French’s proxy war against England for which the colonies were granted their independence, by indulging in pyromaniac tendencies! It also means that it’s one of two times per year that fireworks are a viable industry, aka, one of two times per year Michael Bay has a spontaneous, unassisted orgasm. And it perplexes me.

Fireworks are starter terrorism. Yeah, you read that right, sparkler enthusiasts, fireworks are like car bombs for eight-year-old Irish nationalists, or bottle rockets are like mortar blasts for  junior jihadists. Those drunk 20-somethings on your block or the pot-bellied dad who is desperately trying to connect with his son are terrorizing your dog and your sleep.

Fireworks are the cancer of sleep. For the week leading up to and following a holiday poxed by fireworks, the drunken revelry of men will require boom-boom and  explosions will then plague your brain during inappropriate times. Just like a tumor. An aggressive tumor if you’re a skittish dogs (and if you are a skittish dog, how are you reading this? Are you a Scooby-esque dog who understands people words and who is also literate!?!). How many times can you light off a Black Cat before it loses its luster and you go back to sadly drinking Keystone Lights alone on your couch watching a random baseball game in the middle of a punishing 162 game regular season? The internet exists, how is a series of popping sounds still capturing your attention? Is your penis so raw from stumbling upon yet another new fetish that annoying your neighbors with is a suitable substitute?


Every year around this time, multiple reports come out of drunk people either losing a couple of fingers or more vital pieces of themselves. This is exclusive to the penised among us. This is even more baffling when literally every single fireworks stand is named “Crazy Bill’s.” Why are you buying fire-go-pop sticks from a self-identified mental patient if you don’t expect to lose a couple of digits? The only way I can tolerate firework bursts on days that aren’t the 4th of July is if those bursts are followed by the painful wailing of a guy who’s going to have to learn a new way to tie his shoelaces.

That said, massive fireworks displays synced to an Irving Berlin song are pretty cool. It takes two intolerable tonal abominations and distracts you with temporary twinkling lights. Happy 4th of July, United Statesians, no matter how many fingers you have!


Add yours →

  1. I like a good fireworks show. By that I mean, watching professionals shoot off fireworks from a safe distance, not watching my loved ones risk life and limb to shoot off some half assed mediocre firework.


  2. I detest the Fourth of July. Franklin and Penelope won’t go out to pee. Even worse than the fireworks are the people who think it’s cool to fire a shot or two from their guns, but that’s more of a New Year’s Eve thing. Let’s ring in the New Year by killing someone with a stray bullet that ends up in someone’s house. Yea!



  3. Fireworks, I can do without. Unfortunately, they are a big deal here too. There’re more than a few idiots who think they’re appropriate fro practically every holiday on the calendar. What especially got me tired of them was when I lived in an area where folks saved up their unused ones to set off at random, not-holiday occasions during the year. Those were fun times…


  4. Amerigo Vespucci sounds like the name of a person Donald Trump would be dead set on deporting. Nothing good can derive from such a foreign-sounding name.


  5. I have read this four times not because it is about the 4th but because my girls are here annoying me and causing me to lose my place and having to start again reading and reading over and over again and still have no idea what the post was about


    • It’s about fireworks, seasonable use of said combustibles, and the unending parade of young men who feel compelled to make things explode before, during, and after the holiday designated for firework use. Like people who make with the fireworks on January 5th.


  6. I’m sure glad I’m not one of the penised among us. That would hurt.
    Happy 4th and week, Pickleope.


  7. The wife and the animals hate fireworks. Me, I just don’t care any more. Sound synching only works with the 1812 Overture and once a year is enough. I did post a short video on Facebook of a guy with his penis on fire from fireworks.


  8. I was just at a wedding on Canada Day (out on a rural acreage) and the groomsmen set off a bunch of fireworks once it got dark out, about 10:30 pm. Miraculously, only one of them got injured — a small burn on a finger, no big deal (and yikes, that penis comment!). One firework landed on the huge marquee tent where the reception was held, but luckily fire was averted. My Rare One managed to clean the scorch marks off the tent so the kids wouldn’t even lose their damage deposit.


  9. I couldn’t agree more. Blowing up shit must be some basic urge. I just saw ID2 and it seems to be there are lots of people out there who need their quick fix of FX porn.


  10. abeerfortheshower July 10, 2016 — 1:46 pm

    I spent my 4th relaxing and playing a video game. At one point the fireworks started to go off, so I wandered over to my balcony to see what all of the hype was about. Tiny pixelated dots of light exploded in the sky. Some were circles. One was even a somewhat heart! I mean, it was badly misshapen, but I got the idea behind it.

    After about 15 seconds of that, I yawned and went back to the video game, where I blasted a helicopter out of the sky with a rocket launcher while riding on an ATV, with such vivid details of realism that the grass was still smoldering after the cacophonous explosion.

    So… needless to say, I’m with you. How the hell do fireworks entertain anyone in this day and age?


  11. North Americans, in english, in danish, in german, in finnish, in portuguese, in italian, in spanish, in russian, in arabic, in japanesse, in china, in Thailand, in Czech Republic, everywhere, in french, everywhere, and also everywhere, United Statesians everywhere, Etat-Uniens, french, it s everywhere, United Statesians, spanish, portuguese, french, italian, to name just a few, it s everywhere, United Statesians.


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