Strangely Naked

This year has been a strange, tragic, mystifying kaleidoscope of savage horrors, pocked by things and people so terrifying our only logical response is to laugh to save from all of us confusedly wandering the streets crying our eyes out. Then, when you think things can’t get any stranger, a tiny car rolls up and out pours a barrel of scary clowns stalking neighborhoods.

That’s right. In case you haven’t heard, a plague of clowns is infesting the U.S. and has spread to Australia. This frenzy of nefarious clown activity started in South Carolina in August and has grown into a phenomenon of spooky clowns appearing at the end of city streets, menacing people simply by existing.  The White House has been asked about it, at least seven clowns have been arrested, schools put on lock down and claims of clowns representing a terroristic threat. Now the clown community is trying to assure the populace that these scary clown are not indicative of clowns as a whole. Incidentally, I’m not making any of this up.

I for one agree with the legitimate clowns. Clowns are a peaceful group by nature. Nefarious clowns are the exception, not the rule. We can’t go about banning all clowns just because of a few rotten red noses. But we have to be safe, right? These dark clowns, clowns who shuffle their oversized shoes outside of their natural habitat shrouded in darkness, carry only ill intentions. Their only intention is to spread fear and uncertainty.

How are we, the general populace supposed to differentiate between good clowns and bad? It is up to the clown community to root out this threat to our safety and security. This extremist wing of clowns is an infection in the clown community and the only thing that can stop this malignant tumor is if the clowns themselves operate and remove it themselves.

If they can’t, then we have no choice but to suspect all clowns of being radicalized. If you’re really a moderate clown and reject clown-terror in all its forms, then you are responsible for saying something when you see something. If you know a fellow clown has gone rogue, then it is your duty, beyond just as a clown but as a human being to tell the authorities. If you don’t, clowns, then you’re just as guilty as those holding the balloons in the middle of the night.

Only clowns can clear the clown name.