Strangely Naked

New year, new utterly pointless declaration: Mustard is the greatest condiment.

That’s right, I have decided with no outside consultation or solicitation of my utterly idiotic opinion that mustard is indeed the greatest of all condiments. It has wider application and just generally tastes better than other condiments.

Let’s start by eliminating the competition. You love Sriracha? Get out of here you trend-hopping condiment n00b! Sriracha is the condiment du jour. It’s the bell bottoms of condiments. Mayonnaise? Get out of here with your love of other condiments mashed up to make a new condiment! You can’t make mayo without mustard so I dismiss mayo on principle. That’s like saying dijon is better than mustard. Ketchup? Get out of here with your french fry juice! We can’t even agree on the proper spelling of catsup/ketchup. It can’t be a superior condiment if you can’t even agree how to spell the damn thing.

Pepper is a spice, salt is a mineral so neither count. What else is there!?! Barbecue sauce? Get out of here with your inconsistent sugar-vinegar sauce! Barbecue varies by region. There’s no consistency. So if you can’t define it, it automatically isn’t superior. Ranch? Get out of here with your college tastebuds! Ranch is overpowering sauce that’s meant to cover up the taste of disgusting broke people food (Is it the food that I’m apply the “disgusting” discriptive to or the people? Your choice.).

But, as my first grade teacher would constantly tell me, you can’t make your candle burn brighter by blowing out other candles. Allow me to extoll the virtues of mustard. There is a versatility in mustard. Look at how many varieties there are, each as delicious as the last, but look at standard mustard alone. The yellow goodness pairs well with almost anything. What other condiment is universally accepted drizzled upon a hot dog? Try putting ketchup on your hot dog in Chicago. Mustard? You may be carried out of the restaurant as a hero. The most acceptable soft pretzel dip is mustard. Maybe nacho cheese a close second, also a yellow food stuff.

Yellow foods in general are more delicious. The best fruit is obviously the banana, yellow. The best fruit in a fruit salad? Hands down the yellow pineapple. Best vegetable? Corn, yellow, delicious corn. So delicious and perfect that your stomach won’t even break it down. Nature wants you to see that yellow goodness come out the other end. Best snack food, the yellow potato chip. We are drawn to the yellow. I’d say that Jaundice is the most attractive of ailments! All hail the yellow. Mustard is innately the best condiment by virtue of hue alone. Let alone the glorious taste of it.

There are several bands named after mustard: The Mustard Band, Honey Mustard, Mustard Plug, American Mustard, etc. Sure, there are bands named after mayonnaise and ketchup, but they’re all terrible. You hear that, Mayonnaise? Burn your guitars and go into accounting or something more useful than wasting gigabytes with your horrific mayo-inspired noise! (Truthfully, I’ve never heard your music, you may be the new Beatles, but you chose a terrible name.)

All hail mustard!