Strangely Naked

Dear Internet,

I get that there’s now an agreed upon click-bait headline that aims at telling the reader that they are doing something wrong, but please, knock it off. If we’re performing a task, albeit in a method contrary to your advice, and it works, the goal of the task is accomplished, it’s not “wrong.” What you’re doing is communicating a different way of  accomplishing a task.

Sincerely,

An internet utilizer who is becoming increasingly frustrated at being told how wrong everything I do is because I get enough of that at work and home.

***

This open letter mainly comes out of my frustration that I see multiple articles and videos, multiple times a year about how badly I’m screwing up opening a banana from the stem, you know, that convenient protuberance that is begging you to use it as a lever to pull on it. In case you haven’t been interneting very long, apparently you’re supposed to pinch the tip and the entire peel falls off.

From trying their way a few times, I found that I don’t like peeling a banana that way. I don’t like eating that bottom bit. So, no, Daily Mail, Huffington Post, nearly nine million YouTube video makers, Instructables, Food Beast Labs, Eat This Not That, and anyone else who capitalizes WRONG in their article title because they think shaming people is a way to gather those precious clicks, you are the ones who are wrong.

If I’m successfully peeling a ripe banana and eating the contents, depositing the delicious fruit into my tummy where biological processes break it down, I dare say that I’m doing it right. It’s infuriating to be told you’re wrong when you know you’re right. Especially when you know that there is a nefarious, deliberate word choice designed to infuriate you that is being employed so that you get incredulous and feed their ad revenue by saying to yourself, “oh yeah, I’ll see about that.” Or maybe that last part is just me.

The best argument for why using the handy-dandy handle opening part is “wrong,” is pointing out that chimps use the nub part to open.

Chimps also don’t have opposable thumbs, can rip your face off, and sometimes use live frogs as a fleshlight, but please, tell me again which selective behavior you’re going to identify as “natural” and the “right way to do” things.

Also, there are alternatives. Hold on, I realized I should have explained this next part in my open letter to the internet.

***

Dear Internet,

I realized that in my last letter I was simply complaining without offering a reasonable alternative. This letter is to rectify that. Instead of telling people everything they’re doing is wrong, perhaps try this, equally sensationalized headline style that doesn’t prey on people’s insecurities:

“Optimize Your Banana Peeling in ONE EASY Step!”

You can still satiate your need for faux-excitement about your topic and create an article that makes people think they are bettering themselves rather than breaking down an already anxious and emotionally vulnerable populace. I know, Internet, that you don’t exist to make lives better but to sell ads, but maybe we can pretend on this one issue?

Thank you,

A concerned citizen of the Internet who is afraid that you’re becoming too cynical and predatory.

***

There, that should solve a pointless, mild frustration I could easily ignore if I had stronger willpower to avoid obvious baiting tactics. I guess I should just turn up my cynicism–OH NO, I’ve played right into their hands. They’re right, I’m interneting wrong.