Merry Early Christmas

There’s nothing wrong with retailers setting up Christmas displays as early as they want.

Experts in the field say that your first sentence should entice the reader to want to read more. But me? I like to alienate everyone with my first sentence.

Yes, I know that any remote hint of Christmas displayed or whispered any earlier than November 26 is considered tantamount to heresy, but it doesn’t bother me to see Christmas displays in October, and it falls under the umbrella of, “if it doesn’t affect you, why do you care?” It’s just a retailer trying desperately to turn a profit.

Christmas is their biggest sales season of the year (sorry to break the news to you, Boss’s Day). Retailers rely on Christmas to “make their nut,” so, of course they want to put their Christmas stuff out there as soon as possible. And now, when brick-and-mortar retailers are struggling to survive in the world of Jeff Bezos digitally dry humping every bank account, I don’t care if they put up Christmas displays in April.

Oh, I get it, people who get angry about stuff like this, it feels like by setting up Christmas stuff it feels like they are trampling or skipping over your favorite holiday. They’re not saying that you can’t celebrate Arbor Day or Halloween, it just doesn’t make them as much money.

Now, I haven’t done any research on this, but my hypothesis is that the same people who get intensely angry about what they perceive as “early” Christmas displays are the same people who won’t shut up about their “birthday month.” You don’t get a birthday month. It’s BirthDAY, it’s right in the name.

I also think that most people who complain about it haven’t been to an actual retailer in years. They’re just complaining because it’s something to complain about that not many people will argue against. I wouldn’t push back normally either, but I’m just tired of hearing it. “They put Christmas displays up earlier and earlier every year,” no they don’t, Louis, you said the same thing about Back-to-School sales and you don’t have a child or any family at all, nobody is forcing you to buy anything, go back to your cubicle and pretend nobody can hear you crying as you pathologically refresh your dormant E-Harmony inbox.

I treat Christmas displays like other people’s lifestyles: does it affect me? No? Then who cares what they do? Maybe Macy’s was born that way. I, for one, will fight for retailers’ rights to express their truth how ever they see fit. Christmas isn’t going anywhere, so make yourself comfy in that reality. “We’re here, we express holiday cheer, get used to it.”

If you’re going to complain about it, come with some new insights. “Guess General Santa won the War on Christmas, but at what cost? Those poor elves.” Or, “It’s hearing Mariah Carey everywhere you go season again.” Or “It’s apparently time to pretend like peppermint is a flavor that’s somehow acceptable outside of toothpaste, you disgusting monsters who prop up Big Candy Cane.”

Yes, I am essentially defending corporate greed, but I’m also trying to reduce stale conversations most of us have to just roll with like people who still complain about Mondays as though this thing that seemingly comes around every seven days has some magic importance. Just let me cram my breakfast into my drooling maw in peace, shame-gorging like a sweaty rat in a dumpster, hiding in my cubicle without constant interruption, Louis! Merry Christmas Displays to all, and to all a good night.

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6 Comments

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  1. “struggling to survive in the world of Jeff Bezos digitally dry humping every bank account” — this turn of phrase has made my day!

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  2. You’re making my elitist War on Christmas harder.

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  3. I don’t mind retailers putting out Christmas stuff early, I just wish they would wait until November 1st to do it. It just looks so … creepy to have Santa next to a skeleton. It’s just not right. That dry humping bank accounts line about Bezos was awesome.

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  4. More time to talk about the real problem: how the day is just too darn short this time of year. Dark at 4:30! What are they thinking?! Make daylight savings permanent.

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  5. What about the war on Christmas? Don’t you know you’re not supposed to say “Merry Christmas” you pickled dick?

    Love,
    Janie

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  6. October is too early for Christmas decorations, I can deal with early November but it seems that one event starts before the last one is done with. I wore a Christmas shirt this morning alone with Christmas ear rings and a Christmas brooch because that’s how I roll.

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