I’ve been working at fundraiser’s all weekend (Do you like how I couldn’t just say I was working all weekend, I had to point out how magnanimous I am by working fundraisers? Sheesh, who is this egomaniacal creep I’ve turned into? Then, instead of deleting the first part, I go into this self-deprecating tirade to show how humble I am? Yikes. It’s like a celebrity who volunteers to feed the homeless and calls the paparazzi. Wow, now I just compared myself to a celebrity and here I am pointing out how egregious that is, will my spiral of self-aggrandizement ever end? Yes, right here.) one of which was a 5K Fun Run.Because in everyone’s lifetime they will be somehow involved in a 5K voluntarily or by fun-run-force.
Something I overheard has stuck with me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. An 11-or-12 year old kid and his dad were walking away when the kid says, “Jeez, Dad, talk about top ten things you don’t say to your wife.” That’s all I heard. No context. What could it have been that was so egregious that your pre-teen son calls you out for saying it?
Well, here’s what I thought those top ten could be:
- I don’t know what your problem is, my girlfriend loves that restaurant.
- Honey, I’ve been doing some budgeting and I think we can afford some plastic surgery for you. Isn’t that great!?!
- No, that dress is great, drag queens are super hip right now. (See, I could write for a sitcom back in 1987.)
- I’m thinking of dabbling in artisinal heroin.
- Aww, that’s cute how you think your television choices are above condescension. Don’t bring those up in conversation, it would embarrass us.
- Can you change in the other room, I was about to have breakfast.
- Hey, what do you think would happen if we BOTH tried?
- Sweetie, be reasonable, I’m not asking you to touch him, just be in the room when my dad masturbates, please?
- Just–Just take your hand and run it under my tummy flap and tell me if that creamy stuff is organic.
- Have I ever showed you the album I made of your pre-childbirth vagina? It has more Likes than our trip to Hawaii or your lactating breasts or our baby posed with a kitten.
Of course my obsession with this out-of-context statement also lead me to think about horrible things one could say to his/her husband (also known as “Insecurity Theater”):
- Yeah, you did good. Have I ever told you about this thing my college boyfriend, Geoff used to do? I miss him. He was huge.
- I don’t get wet, I get MOIST.
- You should probably wash your face…What now? That’s your contribution to Movember? Yikes. It makes Joh Waters’ mustache look like Sam Elliott’s.
- You should close the garage door and start the car, I hear it gives you an AMAZING high.
- Oh no, but don’t worry, I don’t care about ass quality. I think. Well, I can try, anyway. Fake it until you make it, right?
- Well, I guess this is the point where I admit my “sugar daddy” idea didn’t pan out.
- I didn’t think I could be happy never orgasming, but you proved me wrong. What, I said I was happy!?!
- Oh, that’s so sweet, it’s like you’re cosplaying as my dad. Except, ew.
- But honey, it’s organic meth.
- Your hair is fine, it’s like Danny Devito’s.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to cry myself into unconsciousness. Socrates be damned, the examined life is only worthy of depressed tears.