Things Not To Say To Your Spouse

I’ve been working at fundraiser’s all weekend (Do you like how I couldn’t just say I was working all weekend, I had to point out how magnanimous I am by working fundraisers? Sheesh, who is this egomaniacal creep I’ve turned into? Then, instead of deleting the first part, I go into this self-deprecating tirade to show how humble I am? Yikes. It’s like a celebrity who volunteers to feed the homeless and calls the paparazzi. Wow, now I just compared myself to a celebrity and here I am pointing out how egregious that is, will my spiral of self-aggrandizement ever end? Yes, right here.) one of which was a 5K Fun Run.Because in everyone’s lifetime they will be somehow involved in a 5K voluntarily or by fun-run-force.

There were people participating in the 5K who had canes. Maybe just donate the money and hobble around on your own time so you're not forcing the employees/volunteers to babysit you.
There were people participating in the 5K who had canes. Maybe just donate the money and hobble around on your own time so you’re not forcing the employees/volunteers to babysit you.

Something I overheard has stuck with me and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. An 11-or-12 year old kid and his dad were walking away when the kid says, “Jeez, Dad, talk about top ten things you don’t say to your wife.” That’s all I heard. No context. What could it have been that was so egregious that your pre-teen son calls you out for saying it?

Well, here’s what I thought those top ten could be:

  1. I don’t know what your problem is, my girlfriend loves that restaurant.

    Image Source
    Image Source
  2. Honey, I’ve been doing some budgeting and I think we can afford some plastic surgery for you. Isn’t that great!?!
  3. No, that dress is great, drag queens are super hip right now. (See, I could write for a sitcom back in 1987.)
  4. I’m thinking of dabbling in artisinal heroin.
  5. Aww, that’s cute how you think your television choices are above condescension. Don’t bring those up in conversation, it would embarrass us.
  6. Can you change in the other room, I was about to have breakfast.
  7. Hey, what do you think would happen if we BOTH tried?
  8. Sweetie, be reasonable, I’m not asking you to touch him, just be in the room when my dad masturbates, please?
  9. Just–Just take your hand and run it under my tummy flap and tell me if that creamy stuff is organic.
  10. Have I ever showed you the album I made of your pre-childbirth vagina? It has more Likes than our trip to Hawaii or your lactating breasts or our baby posed with a kitten.

Of course my obsession with this out-of-context statement also lead me to think about horrible things one could say to his/her husband (also known as “Insecurity Theater”):

  1. Yeah, you did good. Have I ever told you about this thing my college boyfriend, Geoff used to do? I miss him. He was huge.

    There is so much wrong, from the product itself, to why is he wearing a tie in bed and does she really have to be on her knees? Image Source
  2. I don’t get wet, I get MOIST.
  3. You should probably wash your face…What now? That’s your contribution to Movember? Yikes. It makes Joh Waters’ mustache look like Sam Elliott’s.
  4. You should close the garage door and start the car, I hear it gives you an AMAZING high.
  5. Oh no, but don’t worry, I don’t care about ass quality. I think. Well, I can try, anyway. Fake it until you make it, right?
  6. Well, I guess this is the point where I admit my “sugar daddy” idea didn’t pan out.
  7. I didn’t think I could be happy never orgasming, but you proved me wrong. What, I said I was happy!?!
  8. Oh, that’s so sweet, it’s like you’re cosplaying as my dad. Except, ew.
  9. But honey, it’s organic meth.
  10. Your hair is fine, it’s like Danny Devito’s.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to cry myself into unconsciousness. Socrates be damned, the examined life is only worthy of depressed tears.


Add yours →

  1. 11. Your cat is a monster, Gia
    12. Boy, your cat sure is getting fat, Gia
    13. If your cat doesn’t get off of my table right now I’m going to throw it in the river, Gia!


  2. “I don’t get wet, I get moist.”
    Ouch! Quite the ego killer!


  3. Fun runs would be my idea of hell. Really.

    I can’t run around other people, so that’s the first problem. And the people who do these things are just awful.

    I had to do the Houston AIDS Walk for years. Finally, my boss decided we weren’t going to do it anymore after it turned out there was embezzlement going on over at AIDS Foundation Houston, which throws the run/walk/crawl every year.

    Oh, wait, there were some body fat and masturbation jokes here, too. Maybe I’ll come back and comment on those later…


  4. You have a sick and twisted brain, Pickleope. I like that in a person.


  5. abeerfortheshower November 17, 2014 — 9:44 am

    I’m sorry it took so long to comment. I was volunteering at the hospital this weekend with my state certified service dog and it left me quite tired from the joy of helping others.

    Did you say organic meth? Psssh, only if it’s free range, grass fed, gluten free meth. I mean, what am I, a savage?


  6. X once asked me if I wanted to take classes to learn how to apply make-up and style my hair the way his ex-girlfriend, Anita, had. Alas, we were already married. Otherwise, I might not have married him.

    Not true. I was doomed.

    I’m never done a 5K, but Favorite Young Man won a bike race on Saturday, and won a bike race the week before. Does that count for my effort? I gave birth to him.



  7. Over the weekend we were doing some “light” packing in preparation for the move (still several weeks to go, by the way) & my wife tried to address my complaints by assuring me she wasn’t going to “go crazy” & it was only going to be a little bit of packing. This was about four hours into it. I told her she “already went crazy came back & brought a t-shirt”. Lucky for me, she was too busy laughing to get angry.


  8. I’m pretty sure that my husband has said nearly everything he should and shouldn’t to me, and that what ever he hasn’t my first husband has. 🙂 But I did hear once that the only thing you should never say to a pregnant woman is “how cute her turbo waddle is” as she’s trying to hurry somewhere.


  9. Ew, but did you have to say the word ‘moist’? Blech.

    But that kid sounds like he was wise beyond his years. You should have asked him what they were talking about. Wouldn’t have been weird at all.


  10. How about this – ‘Of course the fleshlight’s better, this thing’s modelled after a professional!’


  11. I have cold and yet somehow this has perked me up.


  12. I have a old and yet somehow this has perked me up. Thank you.


  13. You ran?? That sounds way too energetic, even for good cause. But hey, each to their own I suppose..

    Things a husband should not say to this wife – “I don’t think I really want to go to America”
    That one nearly caused a divorce in this house
    Oh, and “Not your best work, is it?”
    That one nearly caused a decapitation


  14. Wow. Your mind is really impressive. In a disturbing way. But that’s good. Being so abnormal makes you more interesting to people of incredibly high intellect. I also hear that, no wait, read that people who run are smarter than people who don’t (and the more you run the smarter you get) so the fact that you helped out at a 5k is good. Good for you. We marathon runners really appreciate volunteers.


  15. I cannot stop laughing about “Can you change in the other room? I was about to have breakfast.” Damn, you are good! And so effed up!


  16. Hey I have found your blog again . . . . . . . . How cool is that.

    Thats not something to say to a partner by the way, it just that I found your site again. This new you is so elusive but as they say . . . . . You can run but you cant hide. . . . Which is why i dont do fun runs, but i do, do charitable stuff, I even work for one . . .


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