Minimalist Human Interaction Using Sports

If you work in an office, one of the main sources of conversation is sports. Mainly because it is a relatively benign oasis of topics you can broach with people who aren’t really friends. It’s also one of the few topics that remains in our internet, on-demand entertainment world. Talking television immediately sends someone from the group screaming about spoilers, You can’t exactly swap favorite porn sites next to the HR department. What else is there? You definitely don’t want to talk to Blake in Sales about his views on gender politics.

Image Source
Image Source

So, if you don’t want to be the ostracized loner who develops the reputation for hiding in your cubicle, it may become necessary to engage in talk of sport. “But what about people who don’t watch sports, who don’t want to support ‘roided up meatheads, owned and traded by billionaires then cast aside once their bodies, ravaged by inherently unsafe business practices, begin to slightly diminish, all while hyper-sexualized women paid less than minimum wage are asked to dance provocatively and pretend they enjoy it with their plastic smiles and eating disorders?” That’s the beauty of sports, they are filled with enough cliches and inspire enough passion and arrogance in ignorance that you don’t have to know anything to have a conversation about sports.

Much like a person high on magic mushrooms explaining the secret to world peace, all you have to do is be vague. You can even initiate the conversation: “Hey, did you see the game last night? I couldn’t believe it.” Your coworker, if he/she is like most people I’ve met, he/she will be excited to hear him/herself pontificate. You get to sit back, pour your coffee, nod at odd intervals, throw in the occasional, effusive, “I KNOW,” and congratulations, you’ve just had a human interaction.

In case you're wondering, no, the Detroit Lions cannot and will not win this year's Super Bowl. It's a literal impossibility.  Even if they did win, why!?!? WHY!?! That's a good indication that your decision making is suspect. Image and news Source.
In case you’re wondering, no, the Detroit Lions cannot and will not win this year’s Super Bowl. It’s a literal impossibility. Even if they did win, why!?!? WHY!?! That’s a good indication that your decision making is suspect. Image and news Source.

If you’re desperate to not return to your desk to work, you can get even deeper. “Those refs, I mean, there were some real questionable calls.” Again, you’ve just, in sporting terms, threw the ball to your coworker to complete the thought or fill in the details. Or maybe someone says something about a questionable call and throws that ball at you. The standard cliched response I have heard all of my life is as follows: “Yeah, but they shouldn’t have even been in the position to allow the refs to affect the outcome.”

Other common, vague questions you can keep chambered: “What do you think happens in the offseason?” “I could not stand those announcers.” “What is with the decision making?” “The fans of that team are unbearable.” “There’s a total East Coast bias.” Or, one of my favorites, “There hasn’t been a good name for a new team in 20+ years. They used to name teams after thing specific to that region, now it’s all focus grouped to death.” But that might require a bit more research, it all depends on how deep you want to go with this ruse that you share even one common interest with your peers…which, if you’re like me, you probably don’t.

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13 Comments

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  1. I comment-bomb a conversation by yelling SEAHAWKS WOO! and scurrying away before anyone asks me anything else about them.

    SEAHAWKS WOO!

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  2. I’m with you. I perused the coupons this weekend to see a never ending link to the Super Bowl, which I like to watch only at half time.

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  3. Oh yes, “the ruse that you share even one common interest with your peers.” How well I know that reality. My office, however, is 95% women (except for the boss who is, of course, you know) so I don’t have to listen to endless sports chat. No, I have to listen to endless chat about friggin babies and toddlers. Jesus, shoot me now.

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  4. I can do the same thing with blog comments.

    I don’t have to actually read a blog to say, “I agree.” Or “You said it better than I’ve seen it said.”

    Or “I have been looking for information on this topic for a long time. You are welcome to check out my site at handbags.net.”

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  5. I can do the same thing with blog comments.

    I don’t actually need to read your blog to say “I agree.” or “You have said this perfectly.”

    Or “I have been searching for information on this topic for a long time. Please check out my blog at viagra.net.”

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  6. abeerfortheshower January 26, 2015 — 8:50 am

    You know what else is good? United hate. Example: no one likes the Patriots. So, guaranteed conversation winner: “Man, I can’t believe what the Patriots did last week. Those guys are such pricks.” Other coworker, lighting up instantly: “Right? I can’t STAND those guys!”

    Note: definitely applies even when not being caught in a cheating scandal

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  7. Here in Texas all the guys talk about is football or the Spurs basketball team. Sheesh! At least it’s better than listening to women gush over their kids or wedding photos. So glad I’m retired.

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  8. I don’t want human interaction. I don’t know when the Super Bowl is.

    Love,
    Janie

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  9. Being a sports fan myself, I can vouch for this plan. Most of us will talk too much to notice the other person glazing over.

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  10. I like the X game stuff. Anyone can say, “Hey, did you see that guy bust his arse?” Sure enough at least one participant every event will bust his/her arse. No water bottle fail here.

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  11. What to say, what to say, I am not sure, so I will just say nothing……………….but I was here

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  12. At one point when I was sitting amongst colleagues in Atlanta this weekend, privy to non-stop sports talk, I said, “Good God, am I the only one who’s not a sports fan?” One woman across from me very quietly said that she wasn’t either. Then I remarked on the deflation of balls. And, pfft, they thought I was talking football. Idiots!

    Liked by 1 person

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