The Arbiter of Fetishes

Where does his mustache end and his sideburns begin?
Where does his mustache end and his sideburns begin? Or vice-versa?

Anthony Comstock was a puritanical crusader dedicated to eradicating impure thoughts and regulating morality. He would have anyone arrested who dared to celebrate sexuality. If you sent anything he deemed as “smut” through the mail, then into the pokey with you. He even went so far as to have his very own doctor arrested for giving Anthony literature that involved anatomical descriptions. Great guy, right? Real partier. He dedicated his life to vainglorious belief that he could regulate something as powerful as sexual desire. There are still Comstock laws on the books in the U.S. (in case you were wondering why Americans are so scared of nipples and butts). You can see why in that climate, anything beyond the missionary position through a sheet was considered a fetish.

We now live in the internet age, where our thoughts on sexuality have (hopefully) evolved. However, some sexual acts are still maligned as “fetishes.” The word fetish is used to marginalize people’s sexual proclivities. It is my belief that some things demonized as fetishes should be downgraded to simply, “interests.” Unlike Anthony Comstock, I’d like to loosen the moral outrage, de-stigmatize particular sexual acts.

I'm sure this guy respects women.
I’m sure this guy respects women.

Is BDSM still considered a fetish? There have been many movies and popular book series made about BDSM. Some light, agreed upon spanking can hardly be considered outside of the mainstream. Speaking of which, Quentin Tarantino has made a career of celebrating his enjoyment of feet (and the n-word) but to call a foot fetish a fetish is to ignore the degrees of sexual indulgences. The appreciation of feet is so drastically benign when you compare it to the things like Ponyplay or Adult Babies, can a foot enthusiast really be put in the same category as someone who uses a diaper for sexual release?

Some things deserve to keep the “fetish” label, like Avisodomy (bird sex) and should be marginalized. Which is why mild sexual interests, like wearing the underwear of the opposite sex, shouldn’t be cast in the same shameful category as Oculolinctus (sexual pleasure from licking someone’s eyeball–Yeah, if that didn’t give you the heebiest of jeebies, than you and I visualize things differently).

Humans are a dolphin's fetish.
Humans are a dolphin’s fetish.

Am I trying to establish myself as the ultimate judge of what is and is not deviant enough behavior to constitute a fetish? Well, I’ve had worse jobs. While I am not saying that I’m the most qualified to judge sexual inclinations as deviant or mainstream, far be it, I seek solely to campaign for the acceptance of the benign predilections of those who have come to find naked slappy time too boring. Should people, like furries, come to find my championing of understanding, my stance against bigotry worthy of a paid position and possible statue in my honor, who am I to decline such an honor?

So, please, treat those with general, non-harmful, only slightly outside of mainstream nudey-squirty activities with deep, oh so deep, mmmmm deeper, respect.

Not my fetish

The subtitle of this post, by-the-way, should be “I know my mother is reading and I want to test the limits of her curiosity.” If she made it this far, I imagine she is five joints deep and very confused.

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20 Comments

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  1. You’ll start having lobbying groups from the different fetishes, trying to argue their thing is mainstream. “YOUR GRANDMOTHER PROBABLY INDULGED IN PONY PLAY ON OCCASION! NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF HERE!”

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    • I’m sold, this seems like an amazing vocation. Can you imagine my conversation at dinner parties?
      “I’m a preschool teacher of learning disabled youths.”
      “That’s fairly noble, I listen to and judge sexual fetishes.”
      Now, who (whom?) do you want to continue the conversation? Checkmate, Pickle.

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  2. abeerfortheshower March 30, 2015 — 7:51 am

    As someone who’s terrified of both nipples AND butts, I’m glad I finally have someone to blame.

    So what’s the stance on the Cleveland Steamer? Is that a normal, healthy, and loving expression of sexual need, or is it considered a “fetish”?

    …Asking for a friend.

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    • Anything involving poop is a fetish until further notice. What if the giver happens to force it and there’s spray? What if the giver ate a lot of beets? Not just like a couple, but a LOT of beets? What if the giver ate a bunch of jalapenos? Or has undiagnosed worms? That’s why poo is still a fetish. The Great and Powerful Arbiter of Fetishes has spoken, that is all. (See? I’m great at this, give me a statue, mild pervs!)

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  3. People have issues. Unless I’m the one who is suddenly going to get a saddle thrown onto my back or have to get locked in a cage, I don’t see how it matters what counts as a fetish. Just tell me ahead of time and give me a few minutes to think it over, okay?

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    • It matters because of the stigma attached to “fetish.” In the big picture, amongst the open-minded, sure, consenting sexual activities is not the business of any other person, but the fear most have about talking about or admitting a desire due to the ensuing derision that person faces as a result, is a problem. (Like my admission right now that I have a deep love of run-on sentences.)

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  4. Oh, my….that guy was really over the top, and I’m curious as to what authority he had to impose the punishments. Most of us grew up in pretty conservative environments, direct descendants of people who supported this Mr. Comstock!

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    • Comstock is an interesting (re: horrifying) character. He joined with the early YMCA to form a moralist brigade. He did such a “good” job at rooting out indecency that the government allowed him to create his own position at the postal authority and deputized him. In one of the more sad stories, Ida Craddock was a woman who wrote pro-feminist marriage manuals whom Comstock successfully prosecuted as a pornographer (her pornography being advocating women daring to enjoy sex in their marriage). In her suicide note prior to going to prison, Ida correctly assessed Comstock as, in his crusade, having viewed and hoarded more pornographic material than anyone in the history of the planet. It’s an interesting story.

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  5. People need to get as worked up about the issue of consent as they do about actual sexual practices. If there’s consent between legally competent people, then whatever they do is their own business, no one else’s. But no consent? That’s the real crime.

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    • I agree absolutely and resolutely. But do we have to bring sobering reality in my quest to frolic in the pool of adult babies…hold on, I don’t mean a pool of adult babies…I give up. Let’s go back to you just being right.

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  6. I’m so confused… The missionary position is NOT a fetish in 2015? That Anthony Comecock character was a funny guy. I bet he was a hypocrite too.

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  7. Did you just happen to know the fancy names of all those fetishes/non-fetishes? If so, you’re certainly ahead of the game for getting a paying gig out of this.
    I’m dying to know if your mother did read this. I know my mother always reads my posts, but it’s really knowing that my in-laws read it that keeps me from spouting off.

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  8. I’m still laughing. Oh my, where to start? Looking at Comcock, er Comstock, dude never got laid. Clearly. Imagine him going down on a woman or a man or even a platypus with that thing on his face. WTF is it with the mustache-sideburn deal? Obviously, he was so sexually repressed he decided nobody should get any.

    And now I need to ask about Ponyplay. Yeah, I’m that naive. It sounds more fun than mundane naked slappy time. Are a saddle and stirrups involved? Would you please provide an instructional video so I can get some games going with George? I’d appreciate it. Thanks, Pickleope Von Pickleope.

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  9. I knew dolphins would show up here eventually. As for fetishes, I decline to comment on that topic. I’d rather people only suspect I’m a perv & not know for sure just how far down the rabbit hole (is it me or does that just come across as pervy now?) I might be willing to go.

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  10. In the interest of eliminating the grey area, I consider anything other than regular in-and-out penetration to be a fetish. That includes such widely-accepted acts as oral anal sex.*

    *I understand that anal isn’t quite as accepted yet 😛

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