Panda bears are notorious for having a low libido. In the wild they only have babies once every other year per pod or “sleuth” of pandas (in case you were wondering what a pack of pandas is called). In captivity, they’re sexually helpless, even worse than a drunk teen on prom night. Researchers aren’t totally sure, but there are hypothesis that those in captivity were taken from the wild too young and never saw sex before…kind of like the person who wrote the Twilight novels…or the people who enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey…or any teenage boy who thinks porn is what sex is supposed to be like…or me up until last week.
Pandas in captivity end up trying to have sex like an infant trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle or me with a Rubix Cube, they try for a minute, get frustrated and go back to watching Netflix. Without knowing what panda sex is supposed to be, they have no passion for it and don’t know what to do with their naughty bits, kind of like the people in NC-17 pseudo-porn movies where they don’t show penetration, where the dudes lazily hump at the resigned, prone, confused belly button of the lady…at least, that’s what I hear happens in those movies, I’ve, of course, never seen Cinemax after midnight and am confused when people call it Skinemax.
So, being the animal lover (bad choice of words) that I am, I’d like to reawaken the passion in the pandas, teach them what it’s like to be desired and desirable. With that in mind, here is a transcript of the audition tape I sent to zoos, hoping to aid in their efforts to get pandas reproducing.
“Hey…Hey Ling-Ling. Yeah, yeah you, Ling-Ling, s’up? I know you don’t want that Hsing-Hsing, you want this thing-thing to make your ding-ding ping-ping. (Yes, I know Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing are dead, and this isn’t about necrophilia, but those are the only famous pandas I know.)
“You look good with all that black-and-white fur. You know what? I’m all black-and-white too. Yeah, sweet thang, it aint my fur, though, it’s my vitiligo. You and I can rub our black-and-white bodies all up and down each other like a pair of amorous dominoes.
“I got all sorts of bamboo that you can eat, and my bamboo grows fast and wild and is super-invasive too. Let’s go from ‘endangered‘ to feeling ‘vulnerable‘…oh so vulnerable, then ‘sweaty-shameful-and-regretful.’ I want you to know, that I want to Sichuan your Gansu and deforest your Shaanxi (Those are the Chinese provinces where pandas live in the wild. FUN! INFORMATIVE! PERVERTED! That should be my bio.)
“I won’t drive you from the lowland, if that’s where you want to languish. I can go lowland or highland. We can breed captive or…we can let it all loose, we can get real wild. But don’t be intimidated, I live in captivity too…I’m, captivated by your beauty. I can’t ‘bear’ to be apart from you.”
If that doesn’t pique the endangered giant panda’s sexual interest, then I’m out of ideas.