One Sided Chef Interview

I have a lot of questions for chefs. And I mean head chefs, not the guy who makes waffles at the Super 8 buffet, the guy who runs a restaurant and determines the menu. Not taking away anything from the person who sets out the tiny boxes of cereal or anything, but I’m talking to the masochists who devote their lives to making people who put a utensil loaded with a carefully crafted set of ingredients into their mouth, roll their eyes back, and effusively emit an “MMmmmMMMmmm” sound.

Image source
Image source

But I don’t have access to any chefs willing to waste their time being bombarded with questions from an internet weirdo (which, I prefer in real life to try and redirect the label to “eccentric”). So, in lieu of an actual person, I’ll ask the world what I want to know about professional, respected chefs.

  1. What lead you into the chef life? I don’t really care, but I’d like to give some context to you as a person. Especially if the answer is something like, “My momma beat me with a rolling pin and the only pleasant thing about my youth was the smell of flour that was left on my bruised heinie .”
  2. When you’re making a living making people dinner, when do you eat dinner? When do you have a date? How do you have a family?
  3. Are you able to just relax and have a simple pizza or a chicken wing?
  4. Are there recovering alcoholic chefs who don’t bother with all that wine pairing nonsense? Do they know about pairing juice boxes or prescriptions with certain meals?
  5. What’s up with those chef coats? That’s a lot of buttons, don’t tailors-to-the-chefs know that you have to move fast? Wouldn’t a zipper be preferable?

    Image source
    Image source
  6. If I roll up to a farmers market and just start munching on product, they get pissed, you do it and they get nervous about your review. I guess my question is, how do I convince these annoying farmers that I am worthy of unlimited free samples?
  7. Why do all reviewers seem to be the chubby children of Meshach Taylor’s character from Mannequin?
  8. At what point do you get to stop wearing a hair net?
  9. Does it ever stop being annoying working with bad sous chefs or inept waiter staff?
  10. You work so hard to craft this experience, all this time on presentation, call it an art. Does it hurt your feelings to know that it all turns into poop? Do you lament every poop, like, “it’s the end of an era, my friend. Safe journey (flush).”

I would probably have some followup questions, but I don’t know a chef outside of the person carefully weighing the . If you do know a chef, I encourage you to please give that person my email pickleope@gmail.com. And I swear, I will only ask the questions that Top Chef and Iron Chef have failed to answer…you know, if they wonder about my integrity and journalistic competence.

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17 Comments

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  1. Is there than AMA for chefs?! There should be. I want to know if they reaallllyyy don’t snack. I mean, really? Someone breaks the chocolate lava cake so it’s not nice enough looking to serve to a guest and you’re just gonna throw that shit out? Shenanigans!

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  2. Gordon Ramsay says “no” to number 9.

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  3. abeerfortheshower September 14, 2015 — 7:36 am

    As the hard hitting scatalogical journalists that we are, we too would like to know the answer to #10. These are the questions that the people are demanding to know!

    So as a non-chef (but a guy who loves to cook) I couldn’t imagine just cooking all day long. Especially if it’s a masterpiece. Like, imagine as an artist that you made a painting. But everyone wants that painting, so your job is to stand in the back room and paint that same picture again and again and again every single day, day in and day out, until your arms fall off. At a certain point I think I’d just go insane. Or, you know, the whole arms falling off thing.

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  4. I don’t watch reality television, so I am not familiar with any of the celebrity chefs people talk about, not even that woman who got divorced a couple weeks back.

    Oh, wait… You should send your questions to Anthony Bourdain! I have seen his show a couple times and he seems awesome. I would go to Thailand with him and shoot heroin and talk about the Velvet Underground and Marquis de Sade or something. If all of the TV chefs could be like him, I’d watch their shows.

    Maybe send your quesitons to him in a box with some drugs. And curse a lot. I’ll bet he’d respond.

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    • NOPE! Bourdain is an adult over 30 with an earring in one ear. He is automatically disqualified as a smug, self-important peddler of nonsense pseudo-philosophy. As are ALL adults with an earring in one ear who talk about how worldly they are.

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  5. I would guess that someone has to taste the finished product somehow, or maybe there is an earlier and a later version of the same thing, so they can feed the staff with the early version?

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  6. They used to make me wear a hairnet on my face. It cut into my ears so I gave up the “profession.”

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  7. It took me a long time to figure out how to use the waffle maker at the Super 8 buffet. But once I did, I couldn’t stop. The waffles tasted so good, I signed up for the California Culinary Academy. It’s been a few years, and I’m still waiting to find out if I got accepted. I’m sure they’re just busy cooking and stuff.

    Your questions are very astute, Pickleope Von Pickleope, especially the one about poop.

    On that note, have a great week.

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  8. Pickleope, I do know how to pair pharmaceuticals with meals. It’s a rare hobby that you don’t see every day. I also carry my own salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard.

    Also, there is a trick to being able to munch fruit and veggies at the farmers markets for free. Always wear a chef’s coat. When you munch, tell the farmer you are looking for a new vendor for your restaurant. Then give them the name of the place you hated because they threw you out when you produced your own ketchup bottle when you are done munching. Make sure the order for that restaurant is for some strange veggie like rutabagas. Also, make sure you go to a different farmers market every time. Otherwise, they’ll be on to your scheme.

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  9. All the servers I’ve known who worked with real so-called chefs hated the chefs. The servers often quit because they got so sick of the chef yelling at them. When I frequented a restaurant that had a chef, of course he adored me. He often came out to chat with me. He was from Brazil and spoke Portuguese and some form of English. Many people from Brazil also speak Spanish, so I tried to speak Spanish to him. He didn’t understand at all. I suspect he was some sort of faux Brazilian chef. Anyway, watch the movie Chef that has what’s his name in it. It will probably answer a lot of your questions, and you can look at Sofia Vergara. Chef is on Netflix Streaming or DVD.

    Love,
    Janie

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  10. Hell I would like to know the answer to those questions myself, also I wonder if top notch chefs eat at Macca’s or KFC just wondering and what is with those silly chef hats

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