The Porking Dead

Ah, zombies. Zombie movies, shows, runs, books, I like it all. The simplicity of an overwrought metaphor and defined method of dispatch. It’s an endlessly fascinating (to me) source of stories. They all try to channel the Romero idea of brainless consumerism, telling us we’re all zombies, ravenous in our singularity of thought, drooling and shuffling toward our own and society’s demise. Trough all of them, however, they miss one thing central to the human experience: sex.

It's a book. You can get it free as an e-book (not an endorsement)
It’s a book. You can get it free as an e-book (not an endorsement)

How can you try to make the argument that humans are instinctual, driven to mindlessly consume, and ignore that, food aside, the sex industry has propelled humanity forward since pre-history? I know that zombies don’t say, “brains,” as they lumber toward people but if they did, once they got their tastebuds on some grey matter, the next chant would be, “orgasm!” The zombies would take one bite of the living then go off into corner somewhere and masturbate furiously or awkwardly try to send a dick-pic to someone. Maybe it’s a conscious or subconscious manifestation of the U.S.’s sexually repressive Puritanical tendencies?

Except it’s not just in state-side zombie flicks. Even in one of the more believable zombie films, Shaun of the Dead, they show how, once we get a handle on the problem, we would exploit the living dead for our own amusement, making them the focus of game shows and other entertainment. However, they blatantly omit our overpowering sexual proclivities.  The day after we got control of the walking dead situation, there would immediately be grainy cell phone videos of zombies lethargically dry-humping each other. The next day, there would be high-quality porno of zombies dressed like celebrities rubbing nasties.kinky steampunk zombie fetish murder porn

I think that before a zombie would even bite one of the living, some backwater pervert would have already tied up one of the walking dead and used it as a sex toy. I’m pretty certain the conscious living would develop a fetish for zombies before anyone could give them a name like “zombie.” Before the world knew what a zombie was, we’d be calling them, “chompy sex dolls.”

Before there would be a full-blown zombie apocalypse, we’d have zombie sex dungeons. What’s better than a plastic sex toy? Something that you don’t have to make. No expense in molding plastic, just take the already-dead and let ’em be walking human Fleshlights. Or even put them in an arena, feed ’em a little bit and watch those voiceless bundles of instinct schtup each other.

And no one would be a necrophiliac because the dead are still moving around. Disturbing? Sure, but the rights of the walking dead haven’t been sorted out yet. Rest assured, zombie-sex would be an issue well before societal collapse. Think about that next time you’re watching Fear the Walking Dead.  At the very least, sex aside, you have to wonder why there’s all these dead men walking around, but not one of them has angel lust (you know, the terminal erection)?

image source
image source

Coda: Sometimes I like to write about things like lofty emotional journeys, or examine the human condition, then, other times, I like to write about zombie sex. It’s called “range,” people.


Add yours →

  1. “Chompy sex dolls.” Ha! Well, if that porn doesn’t exist yet, then you sir can corner that market…


  2. You’ve been on Tumblr again, haven’t you, Pickleope?


  3. In Houston, the zombies would say, “¡Cerebros!”

    I’ve never seen a zombie movie. I watch those AMC shows (both of them), though, and you make a good point. If a zombie is a human being with basically everything but its most autonomic functions deleted, why don’t the zombies hump the people?

    You need to send the question in to Chris Hardwick when his “Talking Dead” after-show starts back up in a few weeks.


  4. abeerfortheshower September 21, 2015 — 8:28 am

    I feel you, man. In the unedited version of our zombie novel, we had a zombie sex scene. I believe we used the phrase “mashed into hamburger” at one point to describe genitals. Not kidding. Kinda wish that had been kept in.


  5. My hubby would go for the zombie shows, but not me.


    • I’m trying to interpret that sentence purposely in the worst way possible: So you’re saying your hubby would be aroused by zombie shows but now you? Maybe if you did some role playing as a zombie? I don’t know, I’m not a marriage therapist or good interpreter of word arrangements or a good person.


  6. I don’t think I will be able to get rid of the image of a zombie masturbating. Thank you very much! By the way, I love how the zombie would gracefully hide itself in a corner to do the deed!


  7. Your range is impressive. But we do need to talk because I’m getting a bit worried over here… You’re saying there are believable zombie flicks?


    • Oh contraire mon frere, I’d say that any zombie flick that omits sexual defilement of the undead is not believable. Undead sex forever, just head shots never! (Weird campaign slogan, I know, but weirder things go on during the campaign season.)


  8. This reminds me of the episode on ZNation on the Syfy channel. The stars of the show were trying to find drugs and the place they were going to raid was fenced in with zombies that were on drugs. The Viagra zombies were especially funny as were the ones on speed.


  9. Your creativity knows no bounds, Pickleope Von Pickleope. And think of the possibilities: perennial masturbation, everlasting orgasm, indefinite climax. This one’s rich with depth and substance.


  10. It’s all fun and games Til you have to go to Planned Parenthood to have an undead penis removed from your funwagon.

    Damn fool kids will never learn.




  11. Reminds me of Alice Cooper’s “I Love the Dead”.


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