I Recommend Not Recommending Anything

Oh, you think I’d really love this band, so much so that you took the time to find an external CD drive, track down a place that sells blank CD’s like a modern Indiana Jones, makes a personally curated playlist where you don’t make a “track list” you label the songs as “chapters”, and included a jewel case where you created a photoshopped album art sleeve with my face in the place of all the band members because you are so certain that I would love this band?bad-music

Well, I listened to the CD. My only question is, what the hell? This is what you think I’d like? You think I would like this? What vibe am I putting out that you’d think I’d like this? I obviously strike you as someone who would enjoy…this…this…uh, interesting interpretation of the sonic arts?

You’re right, this was you making a great effort to gift me a new musical treat to tickle my eardrums. But seriously, do you like this music? I know that music is subjective, but I have to wonder about your subjective assessment of me and my personality.

Yes, I also watched that show you thought was “personally crafted for me.” After watching it, I feel like a media victim. I feel like my eyes have been violated by horrific visuals that you forced upon my ocular cavities. It was horrible, horrifically terrifyingly poorly constructed in all aspects. I think less of you as a result and less of me for anyone ever having thought I would have even a moderate interest in such blisteringly stupid drivel. I don’t like what Netflix suggests for me and they’re working with an algorithm, what chance do you and your “feelings” have for landing on something I’d like?

Zoyberg Movie RecommendationHave I ever recommended anything to you? Of course not. I’ve said I liked a show and art style and tweet and video and book. But, I have never dared to say that, in the world of the subjective, any particular person would specifically enjoy a particular thing. Over time you will understand my general leanings and you can cherry pick the things that I like without the dangerous presumption of forcing my interests on others.

Let me put it this way, have you ever clicked on a banner ad on any website? No, right? And those are based on your entire internet search history, everything online that you have ever been interested in. Yet, they can’t manage to conjure a banner ad that piques your interest enough to click, they can’t, with all that information, induce the littlest twitch of your finger. That’s why I’m offended by your hubris to think you can do better and suggest something that I would like to read, watch or listen to, and why I will never suggest anything to you.


Add yours →

  1. I think I have some kind of defiant personality thing going on – whenever my sis recommends something, I immediately decide I do not like it. Funny youtube video? I think not. Actually, don’t try to show me any funny videos, anyone. It will not end well. (But if I show YOU a funny youtube video? Well then I’m hilarious and you’re welcome.)


  2. I don’t normally do anything more than snicker at things I read online.

    I actually laughed at loud at this one (there ought to be an internet contraction for that).

    I had this mental image of someone disappointed almost to the point of crying, whining, “Why would you think I’d like this?” You know, the way people look after I sleep with them…


  3. Whoa, big pickle, there’s so much hostility in this post! Did someone up the vinegar quotient in your brine bath lately?


  4. abeerfortheshower November 9, 2015 — 10:38 am

    This is so, so true, and exactly why I don’t recommend things to people. If anything, recommendations serve as a way to eliminate people from my life. Like if an acquaintance says, “Oh, you write comedy? You’d LOVE The Big Bang Theory. That show is just so hilarious and smart,” then I know I can never trust anything they say ever again.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I will definitely never suggest anything to you. Except The Great British Baking Show. OMG. Obsessed.


  6. So that’s a “no” to the “SpongeBob Does Britney Spears Greatest Hits” compilation I was gonna send you?


  7. This post is directed at my movie and book reviews because everything is about me, me, and ME! I try to introduce people to some films and books they might not notice otherwise. I say, You MUST buy this within 24 hours or you will die. It’s all my fault that you had to write this post, and I’m glad because it showcases my powers.

    I hate the emails that say If you don’t pass this email on to 20 people in the next 10 minutes, something horrible will happen to you. Even more fun is If you pass this email on to 20 people in the next 10 minutes, then you won’t believe what comes up on your screen. Try it and see what happens.

    I’ve never tried it, so I don’t know what happens. I figure a gigantic penis that looks like a pickle shows up.



  8. The last time I recommended something to mum she didn’t like it which is why I don’t usually recommend stuff because just because I like stuff doesn’t mean anyone else will like it


  9. Okay, I resolve never to force another movie on you. Promise. One
    Jeeze, I tell you about a movie and you froth up like a dog with rabies.


  10. If I don’t recommend stuff how can I ever disappoint people? Where’s the fun in that?


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