The Worst Pillow Talk

Most magazines that are still limping along deal in celebrity gossip or sex advice. In an effort to grow this blog and maybe turn it into something worthy of printing and dare I say–gasp–monetizing, I am going to jump into the field and try my hand at titillation (boom, step one, using words built around “tit”). However, I’m not really great at romance or seduction and the only sex advice I’m really qualified to write about involves disappointment and the art of apologizing.  So, to help avoid awkward situations, here are a few things you should NOT say after sex…of any kind…no matter your Clintonian definition of it.

Image source
Image source

What not to say immediately after sex–in no particular order:

  1. Aww, you thought you tried, didn’t you?
  2. Can I borrow a tuxedo? I want to feel like an adult.
  3. Gross, I didn’t see that weeping sore before, sorry about that.
  4. Do you have a dog or someone to clean all this up?
  5. Hold on, I have to Tweet my mom.
  6. Now, let me tell you about Mormonism…
  7. Would you mind asking my roommate to borrow his enema tube, I lost mine?
  8. No, you did sorta great for what you have.
  9. (crying) Thank you so much! I’ll never forget this! Please don’t leave, I just have to vomit a little.
  10. Uh oh, I feel a hair in there, can you try to dig it out? It really tickles.
  11. Christ, I thought this would help but do you have any oxycontin or keyboard cleaner?
  12. Whew, I haven’t felt like that since I was five.
  13. Yikes. Well, okay, now will you help me move?
  14. Do you have any hummus?
  15. Did the teeth hurt? (No matter the orifice,  that’s disturbing.)
  16. Uh oh, that’s not a color I’m used to.
  17. I lost my ring! Let me check you.
  18. That reminded me of an episode of Law and Order SVU…
  19. Huh, that’s a different smell.
  20. You touch me just like Grandma.

All of these are also inappropriate if you just went to your optometrist. Now will someone pay me to write helpful life articles? Proof of concept…I think.

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10 Comments

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  1. GOOD GAWD. I wanted to quote my favorite, but they are all equally awesome and cringe-worthy. Thank you for the laughs and the heebie-jeebies.

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  2. I’m still feeling the chills.

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  3. Damn, I feel so dirty now. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!

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  4. 21. Hey, you should go to this great movie I just saw. [I know how you love movie recommendations]

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  5. I would like to pay you for your wit and kindness (because I know how kind you are even when you rant about something), but someone would have to pay me first.

    Love,
    Janie

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  6. 22. You know I can’t let you leave here alive now, right?

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  7. Ha! The last line about the optometrist was the real kicker! Awesome!!

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  8. Well now… So the only sex advice you are qualified to write about involves disappointment and the art of apologizing? I need to know more. How do you apologize? Does it involve breaking a bed and then saying you’re sorry but you got a bit carried away? No? Yes? Well? “Do you have a dog or someone to clean all this up?” Shit, I knew there was a reason that girl called me a dog… “Huh, that’s a different smell.” YIKES! Even I draw the line somewhere.

    How about this one: “So how long have you been planking?”

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  9. Yikes! Maybe this is the reason why men are biologically predisposed to rolling over and going to sleep immediately after (I mean, they are, right? right??)

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