Strangely Naked

Most magazines that are still limping along deal in celebrity gossip or sex advice. In an effort to grow this blog and maybe turn it into something worthy of printing and dare I say–gasp–monetizing, I am going to jump into the field and try my hand at titillation (boom, step one, using words built around “tit”). However, I’m not really great at romance or seduction and the only sex advice I’m really qualified to write about involves disappointment and the art of apologizing.  So, to help avoid awkward situations, here are a few things you should NOT say after sex…of any kind…no matter your Clintonian definition of it.

What not to say immediately after sex–in no particular order:

1. Aww, you thought you tried, didn’t you?
2. Can I borrow a tuxedo? I want to feel like an adult.
3. Gross, I didn’t see that weeping sore before, sorry about that.
4. Do you have a dog or someone to clean all this up?
5. Hold on, I have to Tweet my mom.
6. Now, let me tell you about Mormonism…
7. Would you mind asking my roommate to borrow his enema tube, I lost mine?
8. No, you did sorta great for what you have.
9. (crying) Thank you so much! I’ll never forget this! Please don’t leave, I just have to vomit a little.
10. Uh oh, I feel a hair in there, can you try to dig it out? It really tickles.
11. Christ, I thought this would help but do you have any oxycontin or keyboard cleaner?
12. Whew, I haven’t felt like that since I was five.
13. Yikes. Well, okay, now will you help me move?
14. Do you have any hummus?
15. Did the teeth hurt? (No matter the orifice,  that’s disturbing.)
16. Uh oh, that’s not a color I’m used to.
17. I lost my ring! Let me check you.
18. That reminded me of an episode of Law and Order SVU…
19. Huh, that’s a different smell.
20. You touch me just like Grandma.

All of these are also inappropriate if you just went to your optometrist. Now will someone pay me to write helpful life articles? Proof of concept…I think.