Strangely Naked

For those unaware, dinner clubs are where a group of people cook a dish based on a theme as an excuse to get together and get sloppy wine-drunk. Apparently, the most difficult thing to do is settle on a theme. Once you go through all the various geography-based cuisines, it becomes difficult to create a cohesive menu. Let me help you by offering the following helpful themes:

Make Trump Better–Only food small enough to fit into the puckered, flapping maw of the molted orangutan that is Donald Trump to give us a brief respite from the endless stream of xenophobic non sequiturs. Dish suggestions: spaghetti, coleslaw, miniature hot dogs, popsicles, chili, finger foods, nothing too huuuuge. (phonetically: “youuuge”).

Stuff it in Your Pie-Hole, Trudeau!–If you’re on the other end of the political spectrum, maybe create Canadian dishes to cram in the beautiful mouth of Canadian PM Justin Trudeau or whip up something you might think Doonesbury artist, Garry Trudeau might like. Dish suggestions: poutine, Molsen Golden, perogies, caribou stew, smoked goldeye, a baked potato (that’s for Garry, I feel like he’d enjoy a good baked potato).

Holy Sh*t!–Food from Biblical times. Dish suggestions: fish, loaves of bread, goat, something with frankincense in it, lamb, lion, a pillar of salt.

The Devil You Say–The opposite of the last one where you have foods that the Bible says not to eat, or deviled eggs. And make sure to make yourself a glutton. Dish suggestions: Animals that chew cud or have a split hoof, sea creatures that do not have fins or scales (thanks Leviticus), a kid goat boiled in its mother’s milk (that’s bizarrely specific, Exodus 34:26), you could really kick up your dinner club if you included sodomy as a dish.

Chris Brown–All of the foods have to be beaten to a pulp. Dish suggestions: tenderized meats, smoothies, dips, Rihanna, whips. Could also call the theme Ike Turner,  John Lennon (yeah, that’s right), Sean Penn (yeah, ask Madonna), Sean Connery, Michael Fassbender, and/or Charles Dickens (wow men are threatening, ease off the testosterone, punchy dudes).

Giving an Angry Camel a Suppository –These are foods where you try to force an ingredient into a resistant main dish. Dish suggestions: macaroni and cheese with crab, macaroni and cheese with pig parts, macaroni and cheese with ostrich, macaroni and cheese with your neighbor Geoff, vegetarian macaroni and cheese with tofurkey and neighbor Geoff’s big toe, or weed sprinkled with angel dust.

This may shock you, but all of my ideas were rejected outright. You know what they went with instead? “Tapas.” That’s it. Mini-plates. I give conjure gold and they go with finger foods? This is why global warming is winning, because we’re discarding great ideas in lieu of lazy, easier ideas.

Your suggestions for Dinner Club themes are welcomed in the comments…but not Supper Club because supper is a gross word. You keep that supper nonsense to yourself.