The Ants Come Marching In

There is an issue with attributing human emotions on other entities. Saying that your dog is sad because you’re leaving the house to run an errand at Target is a little self-aggrandizing, yet, understandable.

Image Source
Image Source

I say that because being a homeowner means a never-ending struggle to keep nature out. For months now, ants have been slowly invading my kitchen. Not a horde, not a solid line, just a few straggler ants, hunting for a source of food, hoping to please their queen. I’ve been smashing them one-by-one. No remorse, no compassion, just smashy smash smush death from above. I’ve crushed and drowned and poisoned hundreds of ants without penitence. But as the days turned into months, I’ve begun to question their motives.

Ants are incredibly resourceful and care for the health of the overall hive. For them, the needs of the group triumph over self-preservation. Whoever is sending these scouts is endangering the health and moral of the overall swarm.

Ant Gary: “Has anyone seen Lester?”

Ant Steve: “Huh, you know what, I haven’t seen him since he went scouting for food in that land of the hairy giants.”

Ant Gary: “My queen, should we go search for–”

Queen Ant: “Both of you, go search for your brother Lester and come back with some food too. I do so adore those salt crystals.”

2 Days Later

Ant_Emotional_BaggageAnt Trevor: “Hey, uh, Queeny, we uh, haven’t seen or heard from the search party you sent to the hairy giant land.”

Queen Ant: “Oh drat. If they are being There must be something truly delectable in that land of hairy fart-generators. I’ll send you, a party of five, and I’ll birth a couple more to accompany you.”

1 Month of This Cycle Later

Caleb the Senior Ant Who Also Happens to be an Adolescent: “Your Majesty, as your closest confidant for the past day, there are two courses of action:  Either we pursue other sources of food with reduced danger or–Oh, oh my. Ma’am, would you . . . would you mind not birthing a litter while I’m talking to you?”

Queen Ant: “But who else will you be taking with you to explore the land of the hairy giants whilst your brethren bring in food form the land of the dead cricket?”

Caleb the Senior Ant Who is Also an Adolescent Because all his Older Brothers Are Dead: “You mean the ‘land where everyone who goes there dies’ and ‘the super safe food farm where we strip the dead thing like a Tesla parked in a bad neighborhood?’ Maybe we just stop going to the place from which no one returns!?!”

Queen Ant: “We sent your older brothers to find your older older brothers and they failed. Before that, we sent your older older brothers to find your older older older brothers. They also did not return. Either they found a utopia awaiting all of us, or righteous martyrdom awaits you. Go, and report back. Can someone please massage my thorax?”

The straggler ants seem lost and sad. It seemed like they had a purpose but now, are lost, stretching, begging for direction . . . like me. I relate and empathize with you, lil’ ants, but I still gotta smush you.


Add yours →

  1. Noooo! They’re lying to you – never just a strraggler ant. More like SEAL TEAM ANT or some kind of black ops spy mission. Get a cat to hunt them. Or something.


  2. Your empathy before killing them in cold blood is admirable. And hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m not being a Judgy McJudge. I waged brutal chemical warfare with My Rare One on the ants in her yard one year. “Doctor Doom” is powerful stuff. It was like Apocalypse Now all over again.


  3. I liked “Anthill in Your Soul” by They Might Be Hairy Giants.


  4. Ants are pesky, but those little roaches are even more disturbing. I can’t imagine what they are thinking to not get back to hiding before I can crush them!


  5. abeerfortheshower March 21, 2016 — 12:10 pm

    Well, if it makes you feel any better, Google says that a single ant queen can lay up to 300,000 eggs in the span of a few days, so… I mean, they’re easily replaced. And forgotten.

    Ant Thomas: My queen, we’ve lost Ant Gary AND Ant Steve! What ever shall we do?
    Queen: I just shat out 91 Garys and 417 Steves in the last hour so, you know, just pick one.


  6. The Queen should have told them there are 72 virgin Queens if they make it to martyrdom. Of course, she doesn’t tell them that Queens can live for 30 years and males only a few days.


  7. I’m smushed. When I lived in Maryland, every year I would find ants on the window sill in my breakfast nook. I would spray a bunch of furniture polish on the sill, wipe it off, and they were gone till the next year. After three or four years, they gave up. Janie Junebug: the winner and still champion. Now if only that would work on palmetto bugs.



  8. We had tons of ants too when we first moved into our house. Then the spiders came… After that we had tons of ant corpses & cobwebs everywhere so the ants decided it was best if they stopped coming round. The spiders hung around for a bit. I guess they were hoping the ants would come back. Then the lizards came… Now the spiders are making themselves scarce & we have lizard poop everywhere.

    Circle or life.


  9. I have been violently crushing to death beetle after beetle. Or so I assume they are beetles. I don’t know. I just know that they are bigger than ants and smaller than elephants and they are creeping me out. I had the exterminator person come over with his big-ole ghostbuster backpack apparel to spray inside and out. I haven’t seen any ghosts since then. But the bugs still thrive. I have no remorse. High-fives, PVP, on murderous rampages without a grain of conscience.

    PS Are you possibly DLD who wrote a hysterical review of Woman on the Verge on Amazon? I can only think of a few people with that kind of sense of humor. It’s a gift of yours and a few others. I’ve ruled the others out. If it was you, thank you kindly. If it wasn’t you, I’ll take faith that you will. Or not. It’s fine. Though I certainly prefer that you do. Have a great weekend either way.


  10. See, humans have a preset kill limit, I just sent wave after wave of my own soldiers at them until their kill limit was reached and they shut down.


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