Proof That Farts Are Instinctually Funny

Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if–No, this is a print medium, nodding would be stupid. Don’t be dumb, Pink Floyd. If you’re unsure if anyone is in there, how is nodding helping? Oh, right, drugs, it’s all a drug metaphor. (Already derailed into a useless tangent two sentences in. Yep, back in the saddle.)

Though my absence was met with a hollow thud and probably, amidst the swirling typhus vortex engulfing blogs that is the April A-to-Z Challenge, some of you would want to thank me for taking a brief hiatus, sparing you the eye pollution of another deluge of poorly thought out word-diarrhea. There are few reasons for my dipping out, but none more important than my welcoming a beautiful baby girl into the world. I’ve spent my life insulating myself against the world, hiding or protecting myself from rejection. Children never factored into my thought process regarding the future. All I could perceive is doom. A philosophy steeped in doubt, distrust, pessimism, and a very real fear of what the future holds for humanity as greed clouds rationality and urgency.

Image Source
Image Source

Since I’ve been married to my spouse, I’ve shifted my outlook. Instead of pulling into myself, imploding in cynicism, I’ve changed my mind. I’ve given myself over to hope and optimism. I’m choosing to believe in the endurance of idealism, comforted by the assurance of constant uncertainty. The writer Jonathan Hickman wrote, “I’ve learned that the difference between living and dying is managing fear. Not being so afraid of losing the things you love that you hold them too tight.” I wanted to put more love into this world, to expand, possibly through blinding arrogance, but it was and is a decision I made with the love of my life to not cling so tightly to ourselves and our relationship that we crushed or calcified what we have and instead be open to growing our love in new and, frankly, terrifying ways. This may seem like rambling post-justification, but it’s really my way of articulating all of the thought that went into turning me from perpetual childless servitude to my own ego (not that all childless people are as such, speaking for myself) toward creating a life dependent on my dumb ass.

baby farts funnyCreating new life has already taught my new things Most importantly, I learned that newborns can’t voluntarily smile until they are six weeks old. But I’ve seen my baby smile. Turns out that babies smile because of gas. It’s instinctual for the baby to get all grins when gassy. Farts bring smiles. It’s just natural.

(Aside: What? You didn’t think I could maintain that level of sincerity through an entire post, did you?)

To me, this proves that farts are instinctually, possibly evolutionarily funny. Don’t let anyone shame you for laughing at your own toots, because you can’t help it. Root for toots, I say, because farts are funny even to those who can’t speak or hold their own head upright. A foolish counter-argument could be made that as an adult, I shouldn’t be laughing at something so infantile that a baby finds it humorous, but I would counter-counter-argue that farts are the only thing that unites people across cultures and generations. Farts are uniters.

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14 Comments

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  1. Wonderful news, congratulations my friend. Your life has now changed forever in the best possible way.

    ❤️

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  2. Debra She Who Seeks April 21, 2016 — 7:51 am

    Well, I am just gobsmacked. You hid this big news from us all right up until your little gherkin popped out! Congratulations to you and your spouse! Long may you all fart together as a family.

    Like

  3. A fart is laughter. From your butt.

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  4. Farts are laughter. From your butt.

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  5. Congratulations! Farts are hilarious. I should know. I can’t seem to contain myself anymore when one of my students farts. When it happens, all shit breaks loose. Yes, I am a really stellar teacher.

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  6. abeerfortheshower April 21, 2016 — 7:53 pm

    This was absolutely worth the wait, and I’m not saying that sarcastically. Congratulations on the birth of your tiny fart machine! May those farts bring you years and years of warm (but not too warm) laughter.

    Like

  7. My favorite fart movie is on youtube.com “how dinosaurs really became extinct”

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  8. Congratulations! I want photos and a name. I’m sure she’s the most beautiful baby in the world. I’ve never believed that babies smile because of gas. I think they smile because they’re happy about the gas. Willy Dunne Wooters thinks farts are disgusting and will not join any farting games. What a world.

    Love,
    Janie

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  9. Ah… perpetual childless servitude to my own ego . My ego knows fear and is pleased to suspect you know him well enough for your description to be so painfully accurate. That said, dear Pickleope, allow me to congratulate you. Not only has a sweet new baby girl been introduced into our world but also a caring father much more courageous than, well, me myself and I. I know you’ll give it your best shot. Congratulations.

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  10. Congratulations! I’m super glad I went back one post to see if you explained why you went MIA for so long (i was getting nervous!)

    Babies are generally gross. But i’m sure yours is better! Plus, inspiration for blog content for years to come!

    Like

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