Men are Uglier Than you Think

Many of us have heard the fallacy that men’s looks improve with age while women’s physical appearance diminishes as the years take their toll. This is sexist nonsense. An imaginary gobbledygook conjured by dudes who are slowly being devoured by their jowls and love-handles.

Looking at celebrities only, that maxim applies to maybe two men. First, let’s look at past “Sexiest Man Alive” winners including: John Travolta, Mel Gibson, Harry Hamlin, Nick Nolte and JFK Jr. None of whom have aged particularly great. Now, more subjective entries include Matthew McConaughey, who, I would argue is not aging alright alright alright. In fact, I’d say, he hasn’t recovered from his extreme weight loss from Dallas Buyers Club/desperate money grab that are those embarrassing Lincoln commercials (I take it all back if he donated it to charity. J/K, he’s an embarrassing sellout). Tell me, defenders of this ridiculous notion that men age better, how “graceful” is Johnny Depp aging? He adds a scarf for every year he ages and is getting a touch crankier/punchier with his paramours. All the mascara and accessories in the world can’t cover up a raging at the dying of sex appeal.

There's nothing graceful about a man in his 50's with ear piercings and 90's boy band facial hair.
There’s nothing graceful about a man in his 50’s with ear piercings and 90’s boy band facial hair.

Also, how are we judging this supposed decline of the sexiness of women? The President of the United States took the time to acknowledge Helen Mirren’s sex appeal. Marisa Tomei is in her 50’s and she’s objectively gorgeous, to the point where Robert Downey Jr. (whose aging doesn’t count because he pickled himself with heroin for decades) won’t stop talking about how gorgeous she is in the latest Marvel movie. Sandra Bullock is unassailably stunning. Jennifer Aniston, Gwen Stefani, Julianne Moore, Michelle Pfieffer, I could go on with a list of celebrity women aging like wine just as I can go on and on with a list of celebrity men who are aging like a can of beer opened overnight on a Summer day in Florida*.

Oh, and George Clooney probably had plastic surgery. That’s not a slanderous statement, it’s an acknowledgment that male beauty is as assailable as women’s. It’s feminist, George, so get off my back and tell your lawyers to chill, because I said “maybe,” which is universal for legalese “allegedly.” Besides, George, you’re named “George.” No George before or after you will ever be characterized as “sexy,” so, relax. You’re George “the only George who has ever been called sexy” Clooney, what’s a little eye-tuck surgery? Just admit it, George, and empower several generations of women, instead of what you were doing pre-Amalia, which was a ruthless, sexual disappointment machine.

Sorry to keep showing gross old dudes, but I'm trying to make a point here.
Sorry to keep showing gross old dudes, but I’m trying to make a point here.

Maybe we have so fetishized youth and young women that these women who are aging gracefully aren’t given the chances to be as visible. So, before we get the chance to see a woman age under the harsh light of public scrutiny, they’re taken to the same farm my parents took the family dog when I was 8. “Sorry, Rachel Leigh Cook, you broke your leg and had the audacity to turn 30, we have no choice but to let Robert Evans take you out back and Old Yeller you.”

If I had to guess, this entire fallacy was created and perpetuated by gross old dudes who wanted to date age- inappropriate women while grasping at their own fading youth and reveling in their extended adolescence. But that’s just a hunch.

*Other examples: Axel Rose, Charlie Sheen, Val Kilmer, Sean Penn, Macauley Culkin, Mickey Rourke, I could go on. Don’t try to tell me women don’t age as well as men.


Add yours →

  1. Debra She Who Seeks August 1, 2016 — 9:35 am

    The only one I’m concerned about how they’re aging is me. Not well, not well at all. Things are spreading and sagging in a distressing manner and my skin’s gone all to ratshit. But, as they say, aging is always better than the alternative!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good point. Some good looking people manage to stay good looking. Some have allegedly had plastic surgery. Some actually haven’t. I think a lot of it has to do with whether a person smokes (I contend that heavier smoking digs deeper lines in the face), and drinking to excess doesn’t do much for a person’s looks. Too much sun leads to skin made of leather. Health problems and severe injuries also can affect our appearances. When I was in my forties, most people thought I was in my twenties. Then during my fifties I broke my back. Now I look like any other fat old lady. Oh, to be young and thin and running around having fun again! Another excellent post, Pickleope.



  3. You are so right some men do not age well as some women do not age well it is just the way it is and so many of these rich people spend so much money trying to look good well past the time of looking good is expected


  4. I think it also has to do with how much fat is in your face. My aunt is 10 years younger than my mom, but has way more lines. My mom has always been pleasantly plump and my aunt has always been rail thin. It’s the one good reason to hold onto my fat. Maybe I won’t get as many laugh lines!


  5. No matter how well you age, in some places, the number is all that matters. Take Japan for example. Ageism in the western world is tame by comparison. One example: Ever heard of the phrase: “Christmas Cake”? I recently learned this one. The Japanese tradition is to have special cake on December 25, but no one really wants it after that. This term was also once applied (thankfully not so much these days) to any woman who wasn’t married after age 25. 25! While I don’t think there’s a similar term for their male counterparts, even men aren’t totally spared.


  6. My looks have most definitely not improved with age and they were nothing to write home about in the first place. This is the thanks we get for living this long.


  7. Haha! I’m glad you included that scrawny tweaker, Macauley Culkin. He used to be cute. Ever since I went to my 20th high school reunion years ago, I learned that this is true. Women age gracefully. Men don’t. Johnny Depp was a hottie on 21 Jump Street. I can barely stand the sight of him now.


  8. Yeah, and somehow micky rourke is “honest” and renee zellweger is some kind of monster for having some work done. Boo to that.

    Did you watch the amy schumer f*ckable skit? it’s A++.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: