Send in The Clowns

This year has been a strange, tragic, mystifying kaleidoscope of savage horrors, pocked by things and people so terrifying our only logical response is to laugh to save from all of us confusedly wandering the streets crying our eyes out. Then, when you think things can’t get any stranger, a tiny car rolls up and out pours a barrel of scary clowns stalking neighborhoods.creepy-clown-sighting

That’s right. In case you haven’t heard, a plague of clowns is infesting the U.S. and has spread to Australia. This frenzy of nefarious clown activity started in South Carolina in August and has grown into a phenomenon of spooky clowns appearing at the end of city streets, menacing people simply by existing.  The White House has been asked about it, at least seven clowns have been arrested, schools put on lock down and claims of clowns representing a terroristic threat. Now the clown community is trying to assure the populace that these scary clown are not indicative of clowns as a whole. Incidentally, I’m not making any of this up.

If you find one clown on your porch, you know there’s 50 more under the porch.

I for one agree with the legitimate clowns. Clowns are a peaceful group by nature. Nefarious clowns are the exception, not the rule. We can’t go about banning all clowns just because of a few rotten red noses. But we have to be safe, right? These dark clowns, clowns who shuffle their oversized shoes outside of their natural habitat shrouded in darkness, carry only ill intentions. Their only intention is to spread fear and uncertainty.

How are we, the general populace supposed to differentiate between good clowns and bad? It is up to the clown community to root out this threat to our safety and security. This extremist wing of clowns is an infection in the clown community and the only thing that can stop this malignant tumor is if the clowns themselves operate and remove it themselves.clown-arrest

If they can’t, then we have no choice but to suspect all clowns of being radicalized. If you’re really a moderate clown and reject clown-terror in all its forms, then you are responsible for saying something when you see something. If you know a fellow clown has gone rogue, then it is your duty, beyond just as a clown but as a human being to tell the authorities. If you don’t, clowns, then you’re just as guilty as those holding the balloons in the middle of the night.

Only clowns can clear the clown name.


Add yours →

  1. The only solution is if you see a clown, shoot him–even if you’ve gone to the circus. Shoot all clowns with your gun that you carry in its holster for all the world to see. Better yet, get an assault rifle to kill the clown and everyone around him because no doubt they’ve been drawn in by his clown terrorist philosophy.



  2. abeerfortheshower October 10, 2016 — 1:23 pm

    Look, I know a lot of clowns personally, okay? I know a lot about clowns. But no one wants to talk about the clowns in China, but there are clowns in China, and we’ve done a tremendous job of keeping them out. Just tremendous. And we need to stop them, because otherwise they’re going to get in, and it’s going to be bad. Very bad. We can’t let the clowns in China inside because it will be very bad.


  3. I support a total and complete shutdown of clowns entering the country, until we can figure out what the hell is going on.

    (PS GODDAMNIT KEN BONE. Stealing my topical costumes.)


  4. I don’t get the whole scary clown thing going around and think this phase should die soon


    • You know what’s more disconcerting? This isn’t the first wave of scary clown sightings. They ebb and flow! Even if this wave dies down, you can bet, given enough time, that more scary clowns will come. It’s like cocaine. Sure, the heyday was in the 80’s, but it became popular again and again, never completely going away. That’s right, clowns are like cocaine.


  5. Debra She Who Seeks October 11, 2016 — 10:14 pm

    We had a teenager here who showed up at school in one of those scary clown get-ups. They locked the school down and called out the swat team just in case. We don’t fuck around in Canada.


  6. The second picture, though…


  7. “How are we, the general populace supposed to differentiate between good clowns and bad?”

    Well, let’s see… The ones that want to dice my ding-dong are bad, BAD clowns! Very bad! Wouldn’t it be great to beat the shit out of them and them ask them if they thought that was funny?


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