The Greatest Condiment of All Time

New year, new utterly pointless declaration: Mustard is the greatest condiment.

Image Source
Image Source. Look at the magic that mustard inspires.

That’s right, I have decided with no outside consultation or solicitation of my utterly idiotic opinion that mustard is indeed the greatest of all condiments. It has wider application and just generally tastes better than other condiments.

Let’s start by eliminating the competition. You love Sriracha? Get out of here you trend-hopping condiment n00b! Sriracha is the condiment du jour. It’s the bell bottoms of condiments. Mayonnaise? Get out of here with your love of other condiments mashed up to make a new condiment! You can’t make mayo without mustard so I dismiss mayo on principle. That’s like saying dijon is better than mustard. Ketchup? Get out of here with your french fry juice! We can’t even agree on the proper spelling of catsup/ketchup. It can’t be a superior condiment if you can’t even agree how to spell the damn thing.

Pepper is a spice, salt is a mineral so neither count. What else is there!?! Barbecue sauce? Get out of here with your inconsistent sugar-vinegar sauce! Barbecue varies by region. There’s no consistency. So if you can’t define it, it automatically isn’t superior. Ranch? Get out of here with your college tastebuds! Ranch is overpowering sauce that’s meant to cover up the taste of disgusting broke people food (Is it the food that I’m apply the “disgusting” discriptive to or the people? Your choice.).

The smell they are afraid of is success.
The smell they are afraid of is success.

But, as my first grade teacher would constantly tell me, you can’t make your candle burn brighter by blowing out other candles. Allow me to extoll the virtues of mustard. There is a versatility in mustard. Look at how many varieties there are, each as delicious as the last, but look at standard mustard alone. The yellow goodness pairs well with almost anything. What other condiment is universally accepted drizzled upon a hot dog? Try putting ketchup on your hot dog in Chicago. Mustard? You may be carried out of the restaurant as a hero. The most acceptable soft pretzel dip is mustard. Maybe nacho cheese a close second, also a yellow food stuff.

Not an endorsement. The product is fine, but the sentiment is strong.
Not an endorsement. The product is fine, but the sentiment is strong.

Yellow foods in general are more delicious. The best fruit is obviously the banana, yellow. The best fruit in a fruit salad? Hands down the yellow pineapple. Best vegetable? Corn, yellow, delicious corn. So delicious and perfect that your stomach won’t even break it down. Nature wants you to see that yellow goodness come out the other end. Best snack food, the yellow potato chip. We are drawn to the yellow. I’d say that Jaundice is the most attractive of ailments! All hail the yellow. Mustard is innately the best condiment by virtue of hue alone. Let alone the glorious taste of it.

There are several bands named after mustard: The Mustard Band, Honey Mustard, Mustard Plug, American Mustard, etc. Sure, there are bands named after mayonnaise and ketchup, but they’re all terrible. You hear that, Mayonnaise? Burn your guitars and go into accounting or something more useful than wasting gigabytes with your horrific mayo-inspired noise! (Truthfully, I’ve never heard your music, you may be the new Beatles, but you chose a terrible name.)

I almost forgot this guy. He shaves with mustard. Not sure if it works in the favor of my argument, but, I couldn't find someone who shaves with Ranch.
I almost forgot this guy. He shaves with mustard. Not sure if it works in the favor of my argument, but, I couldn’t find someone who shaves with Ranch.

All hail mustard!


Add yours →

  1. RELISH! What about relish? I can’t believe you’re exalting mustard over a PICKLE-based condiment, PICKLEope. You traitor, you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Relish isn’t even in consideration. It’s only good on hot dogs. There’s no versatility there. Relish is a bastardization of pickles.


      • But mustard relish. Have you anything to say about that?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Mustard is doing the heavy lifting there.


          • I like relish on hamburgers too, PVP. Or in deviled eggs, with mustard. The yolk’s doing the heavy lifting in deviled eggs. Everyone knows that…Hmm, at first I was completely aligned with your stance, but then I read Debra’s comment. Now I’m terribly torn. Mustard is the one and only condiment I bought at the market this week. It has zero calories. Zero. Actually, that’s another point against it. It doesn’t cut the mustard – as if mustard cuts. Where does that saying come from anyway? Do I have it right? Why would anyone cut mustard and not relish? Oy, have a good day and week, PVP.


          • Cut the mustard is an idiom that derives from a time when mustard was literally slang for importance. That’s true. That’s how great mustard is. The standard bearer. The fact you put relish in your deviled eggs is an automatic disqualifying statement. It has clouded the fact that the ONLY condiment you bought was mustard.


  2. But… but what about those posts I saw on social media from the naturopath sites that warn how mustard kills sperm?


  3. If I ever shave again I will try it with mustard. Why not?


  4. Until a few years ago I didn’t like mustard, now I do on some things but any good Aussie will tell you “tom tit sauce” is the best aka “tomato sauce”


  5. I’m a ketchup fan. But it seems like the least sophisticated of all condiments. At least mayonnaise sounds french. Oo la la!


  6. abeerfortheshower January 16, 2017 — 2:52 pm

    I think I agree with you, but first let me consult Buzzfeed, my daily source of important news (such as this), to see whether you’re right or not. Also to take a quiz and find out exactly what type of mustard I am. I feel like I’m a dijon, but I’ve been wrong before.


  7. It has the word “must” in it. Clearly, it’s superior.


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