Z Traumatized My Toddler

Amongst the English speaking world, though we often spell words a different way, our dialects and regionalisms take the similar language into new and different areas, we still share the same alphabet. We all share a common set of 26 letters . . . right up to the last letter where we deviate on pronunciation.

I got this from a teaching website, because this site is instructive.

The majority of the English speaking world vocalizes the letter “Z” as “zed.” Whereas, in the U.S., we say, “zee.” Either way is fine. Who cared? It didn’t affect me. Until last week, when  it infested my home and threatened the very serenity of my family.

For my daughter’s first birthday we received a litany of noise making items. One of which was a musical “teaching” table that consists of a bunch of noise making buttons or flaps or twirly doodles. My daughter spins a spindly rattle thing and it triggers the Alphabet Song. You know, that other thing it seems all English speaking people share in common, aka the ABC’s song, the one sung to the tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” The song that lends itself naturally to the rhythm and flow of the English alphabet to help children, drunk adults, and that intern who’s probably stoned tasked with filing, to remember the order of the ABCs.

The recorded song began normally, I sang along (beautifully, I might add, it’s my audition tape for Broadway now) when the last letter hit and everything I knew about rhythm and rhyme ran face first into a wall of “zed.” Quickly I scrambled, snatching the toy out of my already crying daughter’s fists, her world view shattered. What little she had been taught, what little she knew as truth was thrown off the cliff of certainty onto the jagged rocks of confusion. That was when I saw the manufacturer’s label. This singing table was made in–well, China, but the voice recordings and scripting was Canadian. Gasp.

In the context of the Alphabet Song, “zee” is the only iteration that makes sense. It fits the rhyme scheme. I know that “zed” is closer to the Greek origin of  “Zeta,” but that doesn’t make it right in the context of the song. That’s like quibbling about a rapper’s diction. It doesn’t fit the song.

Let’s put aside that all of the other letters are pronounced as a representation of the letter’s sound in speech (except for “double-u” but that’s like that uncle of yours with the dead tooth that he refuses to acknowledge even though it’s turning brown and he can afford to fix it, he just bought a new Harley, but he’d rather just never smile? Yeah, that’s “W.”) There are eight other letters that tie together the entire rhyme-scheme of the Alphabet Song, with “Z” being the climax. It even leads into the coda, “next time won’t you sing with me.” It’s not, “won’t you sing with Fred,” or even “sing this damn song until you’re dead.” It’s “sing with me!”

A, B, C (already two rhymes), D, E (oh, there’s another two) F, G, (bam, end first stanza with a strong, 5-out-of-7, well-established rhyme)

H, I, J, K, LMNOP (rush through that section just to hit that P strong)

Q, R, S, T, U, V (we barely even touched that T because right around the corner was V!)

W, X (slow it down, bring it home, baby), Y and ZED.  (Wait, what? Every stanza, leading up to that big finally and you’re going to dump on it with a fat, leaden “zed?” Even Billy Joel couldn’t have screwed that song up worse.)

Now I know my ABC’s, next time won’t you sing with me? (Hmm, it’s almost like this final postscript was meant to rhyme with EVERY OTHER STANZA!)

Image Source

Go ahead, orally spell “zoo” as “zed-oh-oh,” I don’t care, but don’t assault me and my family aurally by farting out “zed” at the end of a perfectly good alphabet song. (Don’t worry, I smashed that “learning” table with a baseball bat in front of my toddler.)

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12 Comments

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  1. “What little she had been taught, what little she knew as truth was thrown off the cliff of certainty onto the jagged rocks of confusion” — Welcome to the Real World, kid. You’re one year old now, time to learn the truth.

    FOEVER ZED!

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  2. It’s the most confusing thing since the way “Y” is sometimes called “ee griega” in Spanish.

    Which means “Greek I”.

    What in the hell is that?

    If everyone would just agree to do everything exactly like my parents did them, there wouldn’t be all this chaos in the world.

    Like

  3. abeerfortheshower April 24, 2017 — 11:15 am

    ♫ ABCed DEFGed
    ♫ HIJK LMNOPed
    ♫ QRS TUVed
    ♫ WX Y and Zed
    ♫ Now I know my ABCeds
    ♫ So much knowledge in my head

    That physically hurt to type out.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Let it zed. She’ll be ready for the big move to Canada as our country continues to disintegrate under the Trumpian regime (Trump, by the way, never learned the ABC song and doesn’t care about it because it’s overrated).

    Love,
    Janie

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  5. You think ABC’s are fun. Just wait until she does the new math. That’s a migraine waiting to happen.

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  6. Ok I have stopped laughing now,laughing is good so thank you for that, and being an Aussie it is Zed just saying

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  7. I immediately starting singing the song in my head, and ran into “zed” like a big brick wall. Everything is ruined. This doesn’t work. HOW DO BRITS DO IT???

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  8. Living by the Canadian border makes me appreciative of zed and although she died when I was only three, me mum was a Brit. Even though I learned zee as a child I will always have a soft spot for zed, but the rhyming thing is a bit of a challenge unless you’re ABFTS.

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  9. I was fully engaged with your passionate treatise, PVP, until I read your insult against Billy Joel. Billy Joel? He’s not even Canadian, PVP. What did he ever do to your babe to deserve that? Piano Man aside, I’m impressed by your brilliant dissection of the alphabet song. Zed be gone!

    Like

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