Sign Me Up, Satan*

I’ve tried God, I’ve tried neutrality, I’ve tried getting naked in nature and “appreciating” the forms of old growth trees, I think it’s time I tried Satan.*

~Start Disclaimer~

*For the purposes of the potential of my actually having or had control of my eternal soul, this blog and the contents herein do not constitute a binding contract. It’s like going into Baskin Robbins and taking a couple of sample spoons, I’m not obligated to buy a cone. If this caveat doesn’t work, then I hope Satan will take pity enough to only sodomize me with his four non-STI penises, and occasionally offer me a delicious iced beverage. Don’t skim this, Satan, this isn’t like most Fitzgerald novels or any app user agreement, this is important.

~End Disclaimer~

There was a time I was pious. A time where I would get righteously angry at my parents for using blasphemy, not recognizing the strange Biblical loop of hypocrisy that disagreeing with my parents spiraled me into. I prayed and saw God’s hand in everything.

Then I saw God’s hand in EVERYTHING, and the concept became disturbing. Praying became like asking a psychopath for favors as they were cutting you. “If–ow–you’re going to–yikes that hurts–throw my severed ear into the trash raw–oochie pooh–would you please throw out the trash? I’d hate to attract gnats.”  So, we had to break up which left me agnostic,  like a baseball player standing at the plate, never taking a swing as pitch after pitch sailed by, letting the umpire make every decision for me.

From there it was a gauntlet of pseudo-spirituality, attempts were made at organic oil-pulling holistic Ouija chakra natural Reiki detox.  All I got was a rash and a very specific body odor.

Prayer, essential oils, meditation, ayahuasca trips, yoga, hot yoga, keeping the Sabbath holy, buying prayer rugs, subjugating any woman in arms reach, self-harm, making my hair disgusting while smoking astounding amounts of weed, none of it worked. None of it helped me achieve anything I wanted. I still had to actually take steps myself to get anywhere near a goal, contrary to promises offered.

Then I realized I skipped the most obvious step. I never tried the opposite of what I was doing. I should have tried to get some value out of my high-mileage, ragged soul. (Shh, I’m downplaying how spectacular, vibrant and gorgeous my soul is, it’s a sales technique, I think.)

Traditional avenues haven’t worked (I say as though selling your soul isn’t as old as religion), nothing I have done outside of actually doing the work has earned me anything and I don’t want to actually work. Even having worked hard for decades hasn’t earned me much of anything. If not Satan, what do I do, become a sociopath? I don’t want to do that.

***

Update: Satan didn’t want to work either. He rejected my offer. It could be my soul is sad and boring. He didn’t offer details, he only looked at me and laughed at the offer then disappeared in stinking brimstone, which I assume is a no. Sigh. I guess I should just be a good person and work for things on my own.

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7 Comments

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  1. Debra She Who Seeks July 24, 2017 — 7:50 am

    Great post, PickleFaust! I laughed all the way through it! Especially at this gem: “None of it helped me achieve anything I wanted. I still had to actually take steps myself to get anywhere near a goal, contrary to promises offered.”

    Like

  2. William Burroughs once said that ” Any old soul is worth saving, at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying.”

    This was a good one. I went through a lot of things, too – my mystico-Eastern phase was particularly long and dragged out in my early twenties – and finally decided it was all wishful thinking.

    Like

  3. abeerfortheshower July 24, 2017 — 12:43 pm

    Pickleope: But why, God, was there only 1 set of footprints in the sand? Where were you when I needed you most?
    God: My child… Those footprints were me powerwalking away from you, because you’re weird as shit, dude.

    Like

  4. Oh, Pickleope. I drag on with my Christianity, though it’s on the light side these days. My children are atheists. I didn’t even have to cram God down their throats to get them to turn out that way. My daughter has always said, though, that her knowledge of Christianity and the Bible helped her with all the allusions in her high school and college reading material. Onward Christian Soldiers . . . .

    Love,
    Janie

    Like

  5. This post made me laugh, was it suppose to make me laugh, well it did, Satan wouldn’t want anything to do with me my soul is too good for Satan, well I think it is

    Like

  6. Hey Pickles,

    Yep, finally, I’ve arrived. PREYS the lord.

    An amusing yet strangely profound post, my amazing pickle type friend. Satan, or, the devil, if one so wishes. Of course, “devil” spelled backwards is “lived”. I have lived my own life without all the conflicting crap. Thank god I’m an atheist.

    Brilliant post and thank you.

    Gary

    Like

  7. I’m surprised “subjugating any women in arms reach” didnt work out for you. It seems to be going great for mike pence. You know, according to Mother.

    Like

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