As I am writing and praying to you it is Sunday, so I know you’re probably getting a lot of people vying for your attention like Channing Tatum touring a prison in the nude, and you’re probably ignoring all prayers because you’re a huge fan of sports and this is the first weekend of the NFL. If you can find time in your busy schedule of blessing each individual player on your favorite team, maybe you can help the people of Florida.
Now, I know you didn’t listen when everyone was praying for Houston or when you were busy shaking and blowing Mexico, or really any time when a mass group of people prayed for a natural disaster to basically knock it off. But this time, I think I have an offer that might peak your interest.
God, please make shooting at Hurricane Irma work. In the most Florida thing to ever Florida, there’s a Facebook group where 24,000 people have signed up to shoot their guns at Hurricane Irma. I guess in hopes that the bullets will reverse the wind with their force? Or it will kill the hurricane?
I don’t know how it would work, but please Baby Jesus Holy Ghost Bruce Almighty God, make it work. Dealer’s choice. Maybe the bullets somehow kill the momentum by creating a tiny counter cyclone. Maybe the bullets destroy the spirit of evil and you get millions of new worshipers. You love worshipers, right?
I understand that we don’t talk that much, but how can you pass up this opportunity? This would be some New New Testament worthy miracle. I don’t even like guns, I’ve never shot one. Sure, I shot my neighbor with a bb gun once, but that’s not a real gun, there’s no stopping power there unless my neighbor was a small bird. We’re talking for real guns with real bullets stopping a freaking hurricane. I will personally write the New New Testament. I’ll start a whole new gun-based religion within whatever denomination you want. I’ll be your acolyte, baby.
Like I said, not a gun enthusiast, but imagine finding out that guns were blessed by God and now they can fix anything with their miracle bullets? Our bullets stopped a hurricane, you don’t think we can cure your cancer? Let me shoot off your herpes. Our religion can cure your lazy eye with the power of bullets. You don’t think bullets are the answer to save your marriage? WE STOPPED A HURRICANE, we can solve your trust issues.
All I need to make this work, Black Jesus Willem Dafoe Jesus Morgan Freeman God Alanis Morissette God Speaking in Tongues Snake Handling God, is for you to grant this one, simple-yet-fun prayer. Ignore the din of prayers from people who just want you to save their dumb possessions or those teenagers who hope they aren’t pregnant, just answer this one, beautiful, life saving, altruistic (sort of), new flock of worshippers for you, weirder than most things in the Old Testament prayer.
A Hopefully Soon To Be Convert and Deacon in the Church of Gun
Monday Edit/Update: Hurricanes are God’s wrath for limiting women’s access to health services that’s why the bullets didn’t work and hurricanes are punishing hyper-conservative states. Or, God is dead and nature is trying to revenge-murder us.