Strangely Naked

We are living in a flavored seltzer water revolution. The popularity of zero calorie zero sugar seltzer drinks is reaching the pumpkin-spice level of popularity. To speculate, this is because people are looking for a fizzy soda-esque flavored drink without all of the gut-busting consequences. Society has spent decades demonizing soda and sugary drinks while still admitting to itself that plain water is lacking deliciousness.

Society was thirsty for flavorful drinks without the caloric consequence. In steps the seltzer movement. Everyone interested in diet is imbibing seltzer water by the gallon. The bottled water aisle is shrinking, making way for more black-cherry flavored seltzer. I’ve never eaten a black-cherry in life, wouldn’t be able to identify one in a lineup next to a grape, but I’ve chugged me some black-cherry seltzer.

How long can this free wheeling non-soda-but-it’s-really-a-soda trend last without any consequences? There’s nothing free of consequences in this world, particularly if it’s pleasurable. What wonderful thing doesn’t have repercussions? Sex: STI’s and babies. Booze: end up looking like Dan Aykroyd. Weed: you can’t shut up about weed. So what’s it going to be with flavored seltzer?

It’s still too soon. Right now, we’re treating seltzer water like doctor’s treated cocaine in the late 1800’s or like people treated cigarettes until 1988.  We don’t yet know the ramifications of our unfettered pouring of these magic libations into our gullet shall wrought.

How long until we find out that lime flavored La Croix gives us some crazy cancer? Or it stimulates some gland to emit some pheromone that attracts molting dwarf bears? What happens when we find out Perrier makes you hemorrhage bees from your anus? Polar seltzer, it turns out after decades of study, results in hyper-albinism and an unwavering desire to eat Pink Lady apple slices dipped in Nutella.

What would we do if we found out all of these revelations about Hollywood sexual abuse are a result of Passionfruit La Croix? It would be a relief to have such a simple answer, but also, would the Seltzer Lobby flood Congress with cash? Would there be bizarre leaps of logic where politicians claim that Passionfruit La Croix isn’t the issue, we need good guys drinking Passionfruit La Croix to stop bad guys drinking Passionfruit La Croix?

I’m sorry. I know we’re living in a flavored seltzer water revolution where hyper-white people, like super-white, almost transparent people who lounge around pools worrying about gluten and talking about their kids’ lacrosse teams while worrying about their golf short game, are enjoying this epoch of repercussion-free soda drinking and I’m casting doubt, being a seltzer-soaked wet blanket. Go forth, refresh your pallet with L’Orange flavor Perrier (what fruit is a L’Orange?) and don’t worry about your nipples possibly painfully weeping black acidic tar as a result. Certainly there’s no bill to pay for this simple non-soda-soda joy. Yum, not water is delicious, right?