La Croix Causes Rectal Bears

We are living in a flavored seltzer water revolution. The popularity of zero calorie zero sugar seltzer drinks is reaching the pumpkin-spice level of popularity. To speculate, this is because people are looking for a fizzy soda-esque flavored drink without all of the gut-busting consequences. Society has spent decades demonizing soda and sugary drinks while still admitting to itself that plain water is lacking deliciousness.

Society was thirsty for flavorful drinks without the caloric consequence. In steps the seltzer movement. Everyone interested in diet is imbibing seltzer water by the gallon. The bottled water aisle is shrinking, making way for more black-cherry flavored seltzer. I’ve never eaten a black-cherry in life, wouldn’t be able to identify one in a lineup next to a grape, but I’ve chugged me some black-cherry seltzer.

How long can this free wheeling non-soda-but-it’s-really-a-soda trend last without any consequences? There’s nothing free of consequences in this world, particularly if it’s pleasurable. What wonderful thing doesn’t have repercussions? Sex: STI’s and babies. Booze: end up looking like Dan Aykroyd. Weed: you can’t shut up about weed. So what’s it going to be with flavored seltzer?

It’s still too soon. Right now, we’re treating seltzer water like doctor’s treated cocaine in the late 1800’s or like people treated cigarettes until 1988.  We don’t yet know the ramifications of our unfettered pouring of these magic libations into our gullet shall wrought.

How long until we find out that lime flavored La Croix gives us some crazy cancer? Or it stimulates some gland to emit some pheromone that attracts molting dwarf bears? What happens when we find out Perrier makes you hemorrhage bees from your anus? Polar seltzer, it turns out after decades of study, results in hyper-albinism and an unwavering desire to eat Pink Lady apple slices dipped in Nutella.

I prefer “lightly” sparkling water.

What would we do if we found out all of these revelations about Hollywood sexual abuse are a result of Passionfruit La Croix? It would be a relief to have such a simple answer, but also, would the Seltzer Lobby flood Congress with cash? Would there be bizarre leaps of logic where politicians claim that Passionfruit La Croix isn’t the issue, we need good guys drinking Passionfruit La Croix to stop bad guys drinking Passionfruit La Croix?

I felt obligated to add La Croix Boi.

I’m sorry. I know we’re living in a flavored seltzer water revolution where hyper-white people, like super-white, almost transparent people who lounge around pools worrying about gluten and talking about their kids’ lacrosse teams while worrying about their golf short game, are enjoying this epoch of repercussion-free soda drinking and I’m casting doubt, being a seltzer-soaked wet blanket. Go forth, refresh your pallet with L’Orange flavor Perrier (what fruit is a L’Orange?) and don’t worry about your nipples possibly painfully weeping black acidic tar as a result. Certainly there’s no bill to pay for this simple non-soda-soda joy. Yum, not water is delicious, right?


Add yours →

  1. I’m afraid you’ve gone too far this time. First off, that title is going to bring in the wrong element… unless that’s the element you’re going for.

    Secondly, there’s really nothing wrong with the people who drink seltzer water. Not like those people who were drinking that pink vitamin water (made by Coke, with just as many calories as Coke) a couple years back.

    But maybe your impending rectal bear readership goes for that sort of bullying. I don’t know.


    • Oh yes, I am DEFINITELY going for the Rectal Bear demographic. Also, not bullying. Who is bullying? I’m just speculating that there has to be some sort of consequence to these zero calorie drinks. Look, I love ’em too. Drink ’em every day. I just can’t imagine I’m not somehow going to get super-cancer-aids from drinking these delicious beverages.


  2. Oh yes, the Rectal Bears. Bad dudes, one and all. You don’t want to fuck with them. Unless you do.


  3. abeerfortheshower November 13, 2017 — 11:03 am

    My wife works at a hair salon, and a new part of her job is buying La Croix for the salon. She gets four 24 packs at Costco every 3 days.

    Every. Three. Days. That’s how long it lasts.

    If you want ground zero for the Molting Dwarf Bear Epidemic of 2017, that salon will be it.


  4. I don’t want to hemorrhage bees from my butt. What the hell are rectal bears? Does it really involve drinking that seltzer crap? Lawdy, Lawd, Hep me!!


  5. My doctor’s last name is Lacroix. Do you think there’s a connection between my doctor and rectal bears? Let me know ASAP because I have an appointment with him this week.



  6. *whispers* I drink flavored seltzer too! I haven’t had soda in so long that it actually tastes like a good drink not just a sad watered down mountain dew.

    Until research comes out about how bad it is for me, i”m going to lord it over you diet coke drinkers like crazy.

    “Oh me? NO, I only drink WATER.” *sips raspberry lemonade seltzer*


  7. In the office, we go through 4 cases (24 bottles/case) of fizzy water every month. There are three of us working here. Not flavoured fizzy water though, just plain. The flavoured ones are nasty.


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