Applebee’s Hail Mary

Applebee’s is offering $1 Long Island Iced Teas every Friday until the end of the year. Let that sink in.

How many ways can you screw this up? First, there’s a second “I” in that. Second, did you contact the band Lit? Third, as an attention stunt, how do you not make it $0.99, emphasis on cents, so you can make your acronym C.L.I.T.?

Oh, my bad, I forgot that you can purchase $7 Applebee’s Long Island Iced Tea Hangover Prequel Pitchers for $7. Obviously this is a late stage Applebee’s Hail Mary, desperately hoping to entice college students and recreational alcoholics to come in and maybe also try some of their disgusting cuisine. That’s right, the franchise that hoped to distract weary travelers with wall-to-wall tchotchkes into accepting their sub-7-11-rolling-hotdog level cuisine, is struggling, and instead of focusing on what the actual problem is, they decided to put all of society at risk by offering very cheap drugs.

This is like if McDonald’s started slipping because people collectively decided they want their heart to work properly and in response, they started offering nickel Oxycontin.

This is bad. Bad for anyone driving home on a Friday evening. Bad for anyone who takes advantage of this offer. Bad for any of the servers and bartenders who have to serve people excited for $1 Long Island Iced Teas made by Applebee’s.  Bad for the families of people who purchase or even think it’s a good idea to purchase $1 Long Island Iced Teas from Applebee’s. Bad for law enforcement officials. Bad for everyone who’s not the one person who came up with this idea. Bad for the already poorly perceived island of Long Island.

It’s not just a bad idea in the present. It’s a bad idea for the future as well. We as a species are bad at thinking about the future. Anyone who is thinking about the cheap drunk that a $1 Long Island Iced Tea can provide is only thinking about the cheap, momentary respite from their chattering brain that a $1 Long Island Iced Tea may speculatively provide is unable to fathom the very near future of the savagely ruthless hangover that an Applebee’s $1 Long Island Iced Tea is sure to provide.

This is Applebee’s last resort. Even Arby’s isn’t resorting to offering $1 opium-laced roast beef sliders. As someone who has driven across America, I know the limited options for hungry travelers and had to resort to thinking Applebee’s might be edible. I traversed their blatantly pandering local sports memorabilia and cynical decor to sit at their Ikea-level booth and force down their vile bastardization of a hamburger delivered by an under-paid and desperate student.

I do not weep for Applebee’s. I do weep for what appears to be the collateral damage that will be left in the wake of their, “let’s take out as many of them as we can with us” attitude. I hope you die, Applebee’s and I hope the corpse of Bennigan’s reaches up and drags you down to crappy franchise Hell with it.


Add yours →

  1. So does Applebee’s version go —
    “Hail Mary, full of gravy, blessed art thou amongst waitresses
    And blessed is the apple fruit of thy pie, Jesus.
    Holy Mary, Mother of Gawdawful Food, pray for us diners now
    And at the hour of our death from ptomaine poisoning,

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “And before you kids clock in this evening for your horrifyingly soul-killing shift here at Applebees, you should be aware that you might be noticing some changes in our clientele. We’ve sort of rebranded.

    “Suzie, we apologize for the harassment in advance. Joe, how do you think you’d be at breaking up fights?”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have only one thing to say about Applebee’s, they do have great Long Islands. When I was in college my fellow classmates and I would go to the local Applebee’s on Friday and get blotto while studying and quizzing each other on the past weeks’ lessons so that we were up for the next Monday mornings quiz. Even though we got stinking drunk while studying and quizzing each other, we passed our tests and were #3 in the nation for our graduating class with highest scores. Applebee’s made school easier to get through.


    • I don’t want to yuck your yum. You have affection for what can objectively be called disgusting and wrong. Enjoy your memories. But don’t try to sell me on “I used to get drunk on it and therefore it’s good.” I used to pass class and drink Natural Light. Which is undeniably gross. Don’t mistake nostalgia for truth.


  4. I haven’t been in an Applebee’s in years. I assume they keep getting worse.



  5. The nearest one is about 90 miles from here. I went in once and looked, smelled, turned around and left. I am generally not a fussy eater, but I won’t eat from a dumpster as long as I am still working.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. abeerfortheshower December 8, 2017 — 11:51 am

    The only two chain establishments that our crappy hometown has are a Walmart and an Applebees, both of which are always packed, and I think that tells you everything you need to know about our hometown. As well as why we don’t ever go back.

    $1 Long Island Iced Teas? I’ll be sure and tell my parents not to leave the house on Friday nights for their own personal safety.


  7. See THIS is why I drink AT HOME by myself! Ha!

    (wait a second….)

    Nope, nothing wrong with that! Cheers!


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