Santa Claus is A-Sexual

Santa is a magical entity, I get that. I’ll accept at face value that he’s able to assess who is naughty or nice and deliver presents around the globe. No problem there. Sure, he can break and enter into any home. He rides on a magical sleigh drawn by magical reindeer. No issues. Buuuuut living in a house with his wife, no kids, and a few thousand enslaved elves? I’m not saying Mrs. Claus (no first name ever given, by the way) is not living her best life, but she’s settled into a comfortable situation.

Santa Claus may be married to Mrs. Claus, but she’s his second beard. Dude is obviously married to his work. In order to monitor the billions of children, manage an elf sweat shop, and cultivate a stable of flying reindeer (that’s not the first and only Blitzen, this is a James Bond situation where we just trade out Blitzens every few years and just give ’em the same name), he has to be fully dedicated to his craft. He doesn’t have time to make Mrs. Claus glaze her cookie (possibly the grossest sentence I’ve ever written or thought).

No, he attends to Mrs. Claus with that toy factory of his.  Don’t believe me? You think Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus are decking the halls together? They have both let themselves go, but Santa is the most egregious. He is able to shimmy down any chimney, but still insists on maintaining his girth. He dresses like he’s signaling to the world but Mrs. Claus in particular, “Hi, I don’t want physical attention.” Those sweaty red robes are an armor guarding against any physical affection.

Everything about Santa is screaming, “I am not interested in body touching.” He has a scraggly beard that is definitely a guard against kissing. The hat alone is telling people he’s off the market. He setup his home in the coldest place on Earth. All of those sugary treats can’t be treating his intestinal tract kindly. He’s also weirdly obsessed with kids. Not in a pedophile way, but in a way that says, “I long for a time pre-puberty where there was no danger of sexual intimacy.”

This is not to impugn Santa. There’s nothing wrong with being a-sexual. It frees him up to accomplish more without all of those pesky sex thoughts (I saw Sex Thoughts open for Rush in 1989). It also means he can refer to his wife as Mrs. Claus without worrying if that’s a massive turn-off for her. That sexless aesthetic permeates all aspects of Christmas. There’s nothing sexy about Christmas. Even the song “Santa Baby” is gross. Be like Santa and keep it in your pants, everyone.

Merry Christmas everyone, or Merry Yule for my Pagan friends. Or Happy Monday for people who aren’t celebrating anything.

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9 Comments

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  1. Debra She Who Seeks December 25, 2017 — 9:39 am

    Mrs Claus is glazing her cookie with the Head Elf, that’s what I hear. Happy Holidays to you and your family, Pickleope!

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  2. I hear Mrs. Claus is into bestiality with the reindeer. But that’s what the Enquirer says.
    I think there might be a lawsuit involved.

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  3. I hope you didn’t take your little girl to sit on that man’s lap. Too creepy. Merry Christmas.

    Love,
    Janie

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  4. Santa and Mrs. Claus a-sexual? You’ve made a great case. Or suffering menopause

    ..

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  5. Now this was funny, not sure if I agree though

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  6. What a Santastic post. I like the way your mind works and that worries me! 🙂

    Hope you had a terrific holiday season and here’s to heck of a lot better 2018!

    Gary

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  7. Because i’m actually a 13 year old boy, I read this title in my head as “santa claus is a-sexual….DILF I’D LIKE TO SMASH!”

    Also, check out this theory from the classic “Santa Clause” https://www.romper.com/p/this-fan-theory-about-the-santa-clause-will-forever-change-the-way-you-feel-about-this-holiday-flick-7683161

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  8. You know what I like about coming to your blog? I will read something I would never have thought of or considered, and that makes me happy. Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

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  9. You are brilliant and bizarrely hilarious.
    Mrs. Claus might not be getting any (for going on 200 years now), but I get some in my fantasies. Santa always complies when I instruct him to put his balls on my tree before heading south.

    Hope all’s well in your world, PVP.

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