No Tell Hotel Hell

Okay, I know, now that I’m going with “Strangely Naked”, using a title like “No Tell Hotel” is a bit intentionally and overtly provocative like I’m trolling for pervs a bit, but hey, it’s a new site, let’s get that traffic moving no matter the human toll.

Chaim Soutine--Landscape With Figures
Chaim Soutine’s “Landscape With Figures”–Impressionist paintings like this are like a change in perspective that create a kinetic movement in the way one sees things.

This weekend was spent in a hotel room just a few hours drive away. Sometimes a vacation, no matter how close to home is desperately necessary to maintain sanity. To step outside the general rhythm of the mundanity of everyday life and see/do something new if even a slightly inverted film-negative type of vacation.

Chaim Soutine’s “Landscape With Figures”–Impressionist paintings like this are like a change in perspective that create a kinetic movement in the way one sees things.

This slight shift caused me to reevaluate the things I usually see. From public transportation to the term “modern restaurant.” (Seriously, what’s the appeal of restaurants who try to mimic nightclubs by piping in deafeningly loud music while you’re trying to eat? I went to two restaurants that had high ratings online when, as soon as I stepped inside seemed to appeal to recent divorcees looking to reenact Las Vegas nostalgia with their age-inappropriate dates, both unaware of how to have a meal and conversation without a constant bass line distracting both parties from conversation and experiencing a meal.)

The hotel room itself caused me to also reevaluate my own sleep quarters and how I interact with others (yes, I realize that complaining about a hotel stay makes me a massive hemorrhoid riddled anus, except, this is a luxury, one-time-per-year expense). This stay helped me realize that the only thing separating my home from a bed-and-breakfast is that I don’t charge and don’t invite strangers. The only thing separating my home from a motel is that I don’t rent space by the hour and I tend to want to wash the sheets between visitors. However, the difference between my home and the hotel I stayed in is a bit more confusing.

Regarding treatment of automobiles: The hotel has valets, but I’ll park a visitors car in such a way to avoid parking violations, and won’t ask for a tip nor shall I charge for the privilege of resting a car in structure designed just for that purpose ($12 per day is what I was charged. Is that infuriating to no one but me? I am already paying for the privilege of sleeping there, and now I have to pay just to arrive? Roll it into the price. Yeah, I know, it’s a way to both hide charges from the customer and avoid some taxes. I get the corporate side, but I’d like a little back-up on the customer outrage, or at  least acknowledgement from the city that they are being screwed out of certain hotel revenue. Roll it into the price and my butthole will be less sore.)

This is my parking garage.
This is my parking garage. Image source

Regarding minimal amenities: A hotel will provide tiny bottles of sub-par hair soaps, and a bar of soap along with a washcloth. Should you stay at my home, I’ll provide you with a slightly used bar of soap (the hairs provide nutrients for your skin like decaying leaves do for soil) and a mud patch in the backyard with full access to a hose. That’s not true, I provide the medium-highest level of hair and body junk and instead of a gross washcloth, I’ll spend that extra quarter on a shower poof (Inarguably better than a washcloth. Washcloths are gross and I can guarantee you that the shower poof I provide has not flossed any cheeks of any questionable buttocks.)

Regarding noise: A hotel dares you to complain about loud sex and drunk people. I shall provide all guests of my abode a simple guarantee that you will be too drunk to notice drunk people or awkward sex even if it’s happening on your face. This is the Strangely Naked Hotelier Enterprises guarant–uh–moderate, un-prosecutable, general assurance.

Image Source
Image Source

Maybe hotels haven’t thought this through, don’t care about luxury, or just think that masses haven’t explored options outside of treating people as hamsters. Otherwise, why not add in white-noise-machines for every room or, instead of “smoking/nonsmoking” since there really isn’t a “smoking” option, why not replace it with “early-riser/late-night people”?

Thank you and you’re welcome, and you’re welcome at my home if you’re willing to pay a shocking amount and sign a non-disclosure agreement that would make JJ Abrams and his Star Wars lawyers spontaneously masturbate like dolphins in a pool of fish carcasses.

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18 Comments

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  1. So let me get this right your stay was heaven and you can’t wait to return………………….lol

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  2. Hi Pickleope! I always bring my own poof and soap bar – favorite color – yellow. Just say you don’t have a swimming pool with a fucking dolphin. I don’t do smirks well – you?

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  3. I have been highly entertained by reviews of accomodation on Trip Advisor as I research my trip. Best ever was simply titled “RUN!!!”
    Apparently a lot of places come with complimentary bed bugs, trains and paper thin walls.

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  4. You have guests? You little social butterfly.

    I feel kind of betrayed though – I assumed we were ALL social outcasts.

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  5. I once was charged $27 to park at a hotel in San Diego. The alternative was overnight parking in a lot a block away for $30. Needless to say I asked them to buy me dinner first…

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  6. I assume the exquisite art by Chaim Soutine was bolted to your hotel room wall?

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  7. The last hotel I stayed in had a photo above the bed of a street scene with a ghost child’s face superimposed on it. Sweet dreams.

    I do like that you will park my car at your place, as long as mine is on top.

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  8. Our town is now overrun with B & Bs each trying to outdo each other and the hotels that have cropped up as well to satisfy the tourists. Everything is really pricey, but I wonder about the accommodations. Might be okay for now.

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  9. Ugh, hotels, at least the kind I can afford, skeeve me out! All I can think about are the last people to inhabit that space and what they may or may not have done there. And sadly, I have an active imagination.

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  10. Twelve bucks? That’s ridiculous. I haven’t stayed in a hotel for a long time. I can get laid at home, in comfort and with privacy.

    Love,
    Janie

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  11. People still use washcloths and bar soap? It’s all about body wash and shower poofs these days. You don’t get hair stuck in the soap and with a shower poof you can’t really see how dirty it is.

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  12. Is the booze to guarantee guest drunkenness included in the rate? Because that will guarantee you a fully booked house at all times. Although you may not like the guests.

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  13. Love the title of your new blog. Sounds like a dirty old wrinkly man running around nekked. You don’t want to watch, but you just can’t help but peek a little.
    That painting kinda looks like a couple of cats dragged their itchy asses around on the canvas. Sometimes I wonder if that’s exactly how today’s artists produce their art.

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