It’s office party season!
Office party! Office holiday party!
Where having fun is a rarity!
Office party, people getting naughty,
You’re not having fun unless your memory is spotty!
While us office drones are obligated to attend our own office holiday parties around the next couple of weeks, the more sinister obligation is to attend the office holiday party of our significant others. Though attending my own office party, which mirrors most others–available alcohol, early exit from authority, and a debilitated workforce on a Friday because it was scheduled on a Thursday for a cheaper rate–I do LOVE attending other people’s office holiday parties.
That’s right, while you dread attending your own holiday–no, I won’t say “Christmas” because I am on the front lines of the War on Christmas, one of the Illuminati’s top generals, also, if you think there actually is a War on Christmas, go read about Saturnalia for a true look at what a war against a religious festival looks like–I look forward to attending the holiday parties of other offices.
While, generally, that could cause anxiety or fear of small talk or forgetting someone’s name, as an impartial observer it means free booze and a true study of the depths of human pettiness. Some people just see boring office talk, I, on the other hand, see a small scale version of
“House of Cards.” Just because people aren’t murdering rivals (whoops, spoilers) doesn’t mean the human drama is any less fascinating.
The office manager will make some sort of speech. When that happens, look around, see how those she/he manages react. Blank stares? Euphoric? Rolling eyes and whispering to one another? Lustful? Making notes for future conquest? Thanks to television, middle management turns into “Game of Thrones.”
You can make a game of it too: Who will get drunk too quickly? Which married person is obviously going to be cheating? Can you guess whose nipple will be exposed first?
Gather all of the other ancillary attendees (aka: significant others) and create some games like, who can inspire the harshest curse or a scavenger hunt of office-specific items/toupees/merkins.
Office parties of all sorts can be spectacular if you work at it…
Oh who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter whose office party it is, they’re all BORING. You win. Are you proud of yourself? I was trying to help and you ruined the placebo effect. Enjoy your office party, if you dare.