Sometimes New Experiences Find You

Well, no, the creator of this list was too myopic to recognize the greatness of StrangelyNaked.com, but I think the burden of proof is on them should they claim that I haven't crafted one of the best blog posts of last year.
Well, no, the creator of this list was too myopic to recognize the greatness of StrangelyNaked.com, but I think the burden of proof is on them should they claim that I haven’t crafted one of the best blog posts of last year. Image source.

About half way through December lists starting popping up recapping the waning year from various angles including social media timelines, major news stories, etc. But I think that discounts a world of opportunities that life may throw your way in the remaining weeks of a year. Life doesn’t acknowledge Gregorian calendars (someone make a motivational poster of that). I will use myself as a case in point. If I had done a 2014 recap on December 15, that would have missed a slew of new experiences forced my way.

On the evening of December 22, hurtling through the Troposphere in a metal tube of recycled air, I was confronted with an inevitability of an act I swore I would never commit. After nearly missing a connecting, red-eye flight, running at full speed while lugging two suitcases and a carry-on, being forced to sit in a different seat than the one I paid for, separated from my spouse, seated in an uncomfortable seat next to someone who apparently experiences night thrashes localized to her sharpened elbows, my intestines began to rumble. I thought I could ride it out, but then I was forced to choose between gassing out the economy section or doing the unthinkable: pooping on an airplane.

I waited until there was no line and the entire cabin seemed to be dark, everyone presumably sleeping. I crammed myself into the airplane lavatory and attempted to make quick work of the contents of my quivering intestines.  I opened the door to hopefully sneak back to my seat unnoticed. Unfortunately, my shame was not sent hurtling with my bodily waste and blue liquid to rain upon Arizona (at least that’s what I hope happened when I flushed because, really, Arizona deserves it), as there was a sizable crowd gathered outside. Upon seeing their disapproving looks, I wanted to wave my hands and declare, “Do not look upon me with scorn! I deserve your undying gratitude. You should all be offering to sprits my taint for sparing thee from the fate of my gaseous emissions unabated by the denial of bathroom usage! Hail me as your savior!” Instead I was subjected to the whispers of condemnation as the person who pooped up the airplane bathroom.

Any opportunity to include Leslie Nielsen I will take.
Any opportunity to include Leslie Nielsen I will take.

Another new experience was enduring a manicure/pedicure. Yeah, I did say “endure”. My feet are probably the most ticklish thing on my body. But aside from that, did you know that manicures and pedicures involve physical abuse? Under the guise of “massage” the nail-ist punched my legs. The other people with whom I attended this torture session considered it therapeutic, but it was a close-fisted punch. If I did the same thing outside of a nail salon, it would be called “assault.”

Another new experience was enduring a manicure/pedicure. Yeah, I did say “endure”. My feet are probably the most ticklish thing on my body. But aside from that, did you know that manicures and pedicures involve physical abuse? Under the guise of “massage” the nail-ist punched my legs. The other people with whom I attended this torture session considered it therapeutic, but it was a close-fisted punch. If I did the same thing outside of a nail salon, it would be called “assault.”

I feel your pain, Spider-Man. But on a separate note, your desk is a bit too tall.
I feel your pain, Spider-Man. But on a separate note, your desk is a bit too tall.

Finally, in the waning moments of 2014, I attended a New Year’s Eve party…sober (because I was getting over an illness). It was a living nightmare. Not all of it, but there came a point in the evening where people were wearing silly hats and it was the funniest thing in the world to them and every sentence uttered was a non sequitur. How do sober people have fun?

If I had done my year-end life-highlights before the year was over, I would have completely discounted these new experiences. Even now, I learned that I can write 300+ words about a poop story but only a couple of sentences about my fears of sobriety and hatred of pampering. Every moment is an opportunity for self-reflection, I guess.

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15 Comments

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  1. I know what you mean. I pasted my end-of-year post a whole six hours before the end of the year and in those last six hours I went bungee jumping, joined a bike gang, crashed my land cruiser and met the Dalai Lama.

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  2. So . . . sober on New Year’s Eve because you’re getting over an illness. Antibiotics for the clap, amirite?

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  3. I was going to do a “Best Year-End List” list and post it about December 3rd.

    I think i might start in January this year just to get the jump on everyone else.

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  4. abeerfortheshower January 5, 2015 — 9:53 am

    My wife forced me to get one of those pedicure things once. It was awful. And violent. There’s nothing relaxing or luxurious about a little Asian woman badmouthing you in Vietnamese to all of her coworkers while she scrubs off the bottom of your foot like she’s sanding down plywood.

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  5. Airplane poops, feet abuse, and not drinking: A trifecta of evil. Stay strong, brother.

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  6. My very special friend is a recovering alcoholic, and she has managed to have fun without the alcohol, thank heavens. Your airplane story is pretty entertaining!

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  7. So true, one can be walking down the street and the new experience of getting hit by a car happens which maybe because you walking down the road instead of walking down the sidewalk

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  8. I agree about the manicure/pedicure thing. I got a pedicure once. Only once. That b*tch cut into my toe and made me bleed. Those people are masochists. I tell ya, I didn’t appreciate it. I guess some people like that kind of torture, but I’m with you. It’s a sick and twisted world when you pay to be assaulted because it’s “relaxing.”

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  9. I can’t make a best of list. I don’t have a best. I just have me. Oh, wait! Franklin! Every day with Franklin is the best day ever.

    Love,
    Janie

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  10. Antisocial Patty January 5, 2015 — 9:12 pm

    I am from Arizona. We totally deserve it.

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  11. Well it has been a while since I popped by, in fact last year I guess and it is good to see you smiling and doing your thing (I of course do not refer to the thing on the plane). I still have not worked out why I cant follow but that is the internet for you. . .

    All the best for 2015 and I will return . . . . . soon.

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  12. Oh the shame of being caught pooping on a plane! Yet, what better thing to blog about, right? I laughed while reading it as I thought, ‘am I really engrossed in finding out what happened when Pickleope pooped on a plane? Seriously?’ But I was and I loved every word. Ha ha. Would have been better if someone had actually spat on you in outrage, but it was still pretty darn funny.

    I started out New Year’s eve sober, but then came home and drank a bottle of wine while Skyping with a friend. But I will say that part of the evening WAS more fun than the earlier part of the evening.

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  13. Oh my gawd! “Pooped on the plane – without you – it just ain’t the same.” Are you writing lyrics for Justin Bieber now? Try adding a nice Gregorian chant – he’ll love it. “Auora Zona. auora zona, auoraaaaa.”

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  14. Luckily, I haven’t been on planes often enough to have pooped on one. I can barely poop when the stall next to me it occupied. I feel like I’m pooping wrong and they’re somehow judging me through the walls of the stall. I should probably consult a therapist about that.

    Two New Year’s ago I had to be the sober one because I had a stomach bug. Unfortunately for me, there was another sober person there–one who never drinks. I say it was unfortunate because he was a professional dancer, and without the assistance of intoxication, my limbs felt stiff and unmovable in comparison. I looked like a fool on the dance floor.

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  15. The only thing worse than pooing on a plane would be pooing on a bus, right? One of those nice buses with bathrooms of course. But pooing on a bus without a bathroom would definitely be worse, come to think of it.

    (Catching up on blogs now – had been without a laptop all week. It broke, then was fixed, then broke again. Gah!!)

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