You’re a Jerk for Making me Feel Like a Jerk

The world is conspiring to make me feel like a real dirtbag. Everywhere I go, I’m being told that I’m a bad person for not participating in the “warm and fuzzy” game. There are things setup to look like charity, to make you feel like you’re giving to charity, when, in fact, they are making the worst use of your charitable dollars.

Pretty sure this is how people see me.
Pretty sure this is how people see me. Image source

Have you ever seen those “heartwarming” stories about people in the Starbucks drive-thru buying the order of the person behind them and this goes on for like 57 people in a row? Have you ever wondered what happened to the 58th person? Who broke the chain? Well, hello, I am that person who broke the chain, nice to meet you. When the person in the drive-thru told me that the person in front of me paid for my order, my first emotion, after confusion, was anger. Now I’m obligated to pay for the person behind me? Don’t put me in that position. The thing is, I ordered a coffee. Nothing special, no foam, no mixing, no ice, the simplest, cheapest thing on the menu. The people behind me? They were apparently ordering drinks for their entire office. So, in order to keep the chain going, my $2 order is now suddenly over $30. No, that’s not a lot of money, but why should I feel karmically obligated to support someone else’s drug habit?

It seems like every store I go to is having a fundraiser of some sort. It’s always for children and it’s always for a dollar. Seems like a no-brainer, only a monster wouldn’t give just a dollar to fight baby brain cancer or juvenile diabetes, right? Hello, I am that monster. And you know what, screw all of the clerks and cashiers who shake their head at me or even cast a judgmental look in my direction. When you donate that dollar, you’re giving the store a dollar that they then donate and use that as a tax write-off. So your very sweet donation is really just paying CVS or Kroger or Whole Foods or Rite Aid’s tax bill. Do some sick kids benefit in the meantime? Maybe, but if it’s a cause you truly believe in, donate directly to the charity.

Albert Einstein good for fear of punishment

Speaking of causes people believe in, remember the Ice Bucket Challenge? People would challenge their friends to pour buckets of ice water over their head in order to raise money and awareness for Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). This raised millions for ALS research, which is great, who could have a problem with that? Presumably only an inhuman piece of personified garbage. Oh, hi there, allow me to introduce myself, I am that inhuman garbage. I don’t have a problem with the challenge per say, but people are really breaking their backs trying to suck themselves off for being heroes for donating $5 and making a self-congratulatory video. Also, ALS doesn’t affect that many people. Maybe focus on Malaria or cancer or texting while driving. But I’m the jerk for wanting to donate and spread awareness of heart disease?placebo-maximum-strenght-tablets

There are a lot of simple things out there that make people feel like they’re doing good, that they are what they tell themselves they are: good people. And if you do these things, more power to you, but don’t make me feel like a jerk for not participating in these societal placebos.

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15 Comments

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  1. Agree with so much of this. The other day, some guys came into my office/shop and started their spiel for subscription/donation while I was stuck having to be polite as it was my work place.
    Yeah, make me feel like a jerk for declining and make me pissed off for not being able to walk away.

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  2. Yep, I hate it when they ask me if I want to donate a dollar to some child related cause on the way out of the food store. Especially the way they word it – “Do you want to donate a dollar to help cure juvenile diabetes?” NOPE. Nope. Nope.

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  3. It’s pretty easy to walk away when you don’t know folks. What about the bell ringers that stand right in your path out of a store with your arms loaded with groceries. I just say “Have a good day” and keep walking. If I want to donate, I’ll write a check and mail it. But the thing that really gets me is the “please share with your friends” or “please send this to the first person on this list.” that comes on email. I don’t open anything that is forwarded, and I definitely don’t want to get in one more chain.

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  4. I’m kind of a jerk. I get e-vites to various things and don’t even other to click the “Not Attending” button. I tell Salvation Army bellringers that they’re working for an evil discriminatory cult (really, I have). We had a going away party for someone at work a few weeks back, and I wouldn’t sign the card because I didn’t know who the person was.

    I believe everyone just considers me scatter-brained and/or slightly eccentric, though, so I’m not totally hated.

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  5. You are a bitter, bitter pickle. But having said that, I too hate “charity” that really benefits corporations. If they believe in their cause so much, why not just donate a big chunk o’ change out of their own gazillion dollar profits? Oh no, they need “me” to donate my dollar to their friggin’ tax refund. Unlike you, however, I do not feel like a jerk for saying no. Instead I feel the warm, almost sexual, glow of self-righteous outrage and offended superiority.

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  6. I’m also not one for jumping on the charity bandwagon. Not for all the reasons you mentioned, though. I don’t donate because…

    I’m evil.

    *rubs hands together while throwing head back & bursting into evil laughter* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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  7. abeerfortheshower February 23, 2015 — 9:06 am

    You know what was the best part of that ALS ice bucket challenge? Seeing people on my friends list uploading videos with the misinformed caption, “I nominate Tim, Tom, and Eric, and if you don’t upload a video within 24 hours you have to donate money toward ALS. So here’s my video. This is fun!” You know, thereby completely missing the entire f***ing point.

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  8. “I am that inhuman garbage.” I’m getting some name tags made!

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  9. It’s sad that most of the money that we donate goes to the corporations or the ad campaigns or the movie/TV stars to make you feel bad if you don’t donate that charity. What really ticks me off is when an ad says that “if you donate within the next 60 seconds, we will send you the picture of a child or animal you are helping.” Yeah, a picture some slob took while he was in that country on vacation. Maybe 2 cents out of every dollar goes directly to the charity to cure cancer or ALS or whatever new disease or cause is out there. I don’t give to charity anymore for that reason.

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  10. I would have gotten caught up in the moment and paid for the $30 worth of coffees anyway. But I would have been grumbling the whole way home about it, so would it really be worth it?

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  11. Why don’t you just own who you are? I do. I am the person who gets a little check in the mail for $2.50 made out to me, and it says, Please send your check to us for more than this. We send you this check because we trust you.

    I cash that fucking check. I don’t care how small it is. If I get a nickel in a fundraising piece of mail, then I keep the nickel. I don’t donate to any group that sends me stuff. They’ve already demonstrated that they waste money.

    I choose where and when to donate money. I check out charities. I especially like First Coast No More Homeless Pets here in Jacksonville. Favorite Young Man has taken a number of animals there for inexpensive treatment. Then he finds homes for them.

    I am Janie Junebug, generous where and when I feel it’s right. Nobody can make me feel guilty.

    Love,
    Janie

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  12. Ah yes, the dude from some blog named klahanie has finally got his finger out and is now typing to you with a new computer.

    I hear you on this one. However, I would gladly donate to a cause that ended all the moronic blog hops that are merely just a way of blatant ego tripping self-promotion. Cynical rant over.

    Gary…..

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  13. I agree, Pickleope. It is rude to judge another’s choices.
    Well said, my friend. (smile)

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