A Lament for Traditionalists

It is with heavy heart that I and my ilk danced upon the slaughtered carcass of, what I would characterize as “misguided,” traditionalist principles. While we made merry, you and your echo chamber raged against the the dying of the night. The sun has risen, the United States has progressed and there you stand, clutching your fear-of-change like a security blanket. I am here to tell you, it’s going to be okay.

This is the White House. This makes me happy. This is me dancing on the anti-gay sentiment that traditionalists try to camouflage as "religious freedom." This is me also trying to take a tiny victory lap before jackass bigots try and find a way around what is truly righteous.
This is the White House. This makes me happy. This is me dancing on the anti-gay sentiment that traditionalists try to camouflage as “religious freedom.” This is me also trying to take a tiny victory lap before jackass bigots try and find a way around what is truly righteous.

There are still shadows for you to scurry into where your bigoted feelings will be shrouded from the harsh light of an increasingly judgmental society. What do the bigots do when they are on the receiving end of bigottedness…bigotitinude…Why am I trying to think up new variations on “intolerance?” Besides, you can always cloak those bigoted feelings with “heritage” and “religious freedom.”

This past week was a harsh blow for those in the U.S. who wave around “tradition” like a cudgel. But, to be fair, it was a tough week for those capable of empathy who dared to scroll down and read the comments section of news articles. See, people who fetishize racism by calling it the “good ol’ days,” you can still disrupt the happiness of the anti-regression crowd.

I get the anger, but chill, it'll be good for you, you're white and not cripplingly dumb.
I get the anger, but chill, it’ll be good for you, you’re white and not cripplingly dumb. Image source

It’s going to be okay for you. Yes, right now it looks like “the other team” got a few points but your “team” will come back…or maybe you’ll realize that the very idea of political teams is silly and only people matter, but that’s my idiotic dream. Eventually, the majority in the U.S. will get freaked out that all these minorities are daring to exert their will upon the God-fearing European immigrants who bravely gentrified this country, and vote for a president or legislature that best reflects the most base prejudices that drive anglo-centric anxieties. Things will swing back. There will be opportunities to oppress the proletariate, I assure you.

Hey, buck up, lil’ bigot, think of it this way: even though you don’t get to openly wave a flag that represents racism (don’t try to argue “heritage,” the Confederate flag has never been waved at a pro-civil-rights rally but has been at a lot of white power functions, that’s where that conversation starts and ends), this is all really a distraction from the class war that’s subtly being waged upon all of us who have the audacity to seek happiness outside of a bed of money.

Oh no, you're not a super anything, definitely not a hero. That's like Lex Luthor passing himself off as a hero. In case anyone is confused, the Confederate flag is absolutely a symbol of racism. I welcome a dissenting opinion, but I have empirical evidence on my side, so good luck with that.
Oh no, you’re not a super anything, definitely not a hero. That’s like Lex Luthor passing himself off as a hero. In case anyone is confused, the Confederate flag is absolutely a symbol of racism. I welcome a dissenting opinion, but I have empirical evidence on my side, so good luck with that.

If you’re worried that your religious freedoms are being impeded because of the legalization of marriage for all, remember, you’re not being forced into having gay sex. This issue does not affect you at all. You get to compartmentalize and ignore that segment of the population. If you’re a small business owner in the wedding sector of the economy, you can still silently condemn gay people while taking their money. You can profit off of sinners! Isn’t that great!?! There’s a bright side to everything. You’re hastening their slip-and-slide to Hell, freeing up space in an already-crowded Heaven while also taking their money that you can donate to your church or buy magic markers so that you can black-out the pages on evolution from your children’s science textbooks.

I'm sure if I met him, I'd love Mr. Keith, but good gravy does he exude the veneer of the vile contents of a used colostomy bag.
I’m sure if I met him, I’d love Mr. Keith, but good gravy does he exude the veneer of the vile contents of a used colostomy bag.

It gets better. Go ahead, take some time, go down your nearest Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill, order some wings and drown your tears in your favorite American-branded-European-owned beer, and realize your point of view is still dominant. We’re still regurgitating fossil fuels into the air like a semi-truck with diarrhea, we’re still spying on everyone, American drones are still dropping American bombs on random groupings of brown people, the wage gap continues to ensure no one will ever be able to retire and we’ll all resort to an elderly version of Hunger Games, militarized police continue to thin the population of unarmed black people, the objectification and marginalization of women is still impressively pervasive and celebrated, atheists are maligned, and there’s still motor sports and fried food pioneers and Country Music awards. You’re still winning, yet you still retain the artistry of painting yourselves as victims. It’s truly an art form. Take comfort in that.

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14 Comments

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  1. I never really understood the religious freedom argument.

    “My religion says no gay marriage so that needs to be law! I need the freedom to force my religion on you!”

    “Well, ok. My religion is a big fan of gay marriage. We like it better than regular marriage. We want to force that on you. Soooo….it’s a draw?”

    Like

  2. abeerfortheshower June 29, 2015 — 7:58 am

    It’s mighty brave of you to post this for the Toby Keith audience, knowing damn well they can’t actually read.

    Like

  3. I am confident that not every week is going to be that good.

    Although, to be honest, Obama and Boehner did manage to sneak that trade bill thing by us, so it wasn’t all good.

    Maybe I’m just getting greedy. Can I marry my garden gnome yet?

    Like

  4. Cockroaches. They are cockroaches skittering here and there, trying to climb on people and make them frightened and miserable. We stomp on cockroaches and flush them down the toilet.

    Love,
    Janie

    Like

  5. I spent the weekend listening to Leonard Cohen’s classic song “Democracy.” Savour the sweetness of all those recent victories!

    Like

  6. “You can still silently condemn gay people while taking their money. You can profit off of sinners! Isn’t that great!?!” <–This is one more reason I love you, Pickelope Von Pickleope. Your twisted reasoning is top notch! Thank you.

    Like

  7. Well said, darlin. I do love reading your blog. I wish Texans would get their shit together and stop acting like cavemen. They are such bigoted asshats here.

    Like

  8. Ok I read the post and for some reason I cannot get my head around it but get through the comments that it is something about small minded people and gay marriage, I don’t care if two people of the same sex want to marry that is fine, if it is wrong against religion then they will have to answer to God when their time comes.

    Like

    • I suppose I could/should have given a bit more context: In the US the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is legal and the most ardent homophobes are up in arms. I think your approach should be the prevailing philosophy.
      Even though it was confusing minus context, you still managed to add an excellent comment to the discussion.

      Like

  9. You covered it well, Pickleope, Maybe Toby Keith is just Ted Nugent in a cowboy hat.

    Like

  10. A bit of fun irony from a Canadian angle. A number or your right wing lunatic fringe fanatics in the States were so incensed over the rainbow descending upon America and the audacity to have same sex marriage as legally binding, that right wing religious do gooders thought of moving to Canada. Wait until they find out that same sex marriage has been legally recognised in Canada for over ten years ,eh. Slam dunk and pass the puck.

    Nice one, my friend.

    Gary

    Like

    • Yes, I saw this and it delighted me. Anti-gay cretins and most likely anti-Affordable Care Act declared their desire to move to Canada, immediately exposes nimrods as nimrods for wanting to move to a universal health care nation that’s also super-pro-gay-marriage. It’s delightful when ignorant, bigot dunces set themselves up.

      Like

  11. Yikes, not sure my comment showed up via Farcebook! I had a hunch it might not and so I copied and pasted my comment beforehand.

    Well, the copy and pasting didn’t work because I copied and pasted my blog site and that wiped out my previous copy and paste! Man, do I hate this type of comment set up! 🙂

    Try to remember what I said. Oh yeah, from an ironic Canadian angle, a number of your right wing fanatics were so outraged by the same sex marriage becoming legal that they thought of moving to Canada. Should we tell them that Canada has had same sex marriage legal for over ten years!

    Nice one and hopefully this comment will publish!

    Penny’s alleged human,

    Gary 🙂

    Like

  12. Antisocial Patty July 7, 2015 — 1:42 pm

    This one make me glad I managed to read some blogs today. Brilliant, Pickleope, simply brilliant. Hilarious and spot on.

    Like

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