Strangely Naked

It is with heavy heart that I and my ilk danced upon the slaughtered carcass of, what I would characterize as “misguided,” traditionalist principles. While we made merry, you and your echo chamber raged against the the dying of the night. The sun has risen, the United States has progressed and there you stand, clutching your fear-of-change like a security blanket. I am here to tell you, it’s going to be okay.

There are still shadows for you to scurry into where your bigoted feelings will be shrouded from the harsh light of an increasingly judgmental society. What do the bigots do when they are on the receiving end of bigottedness…bigotitinude…Why am I trying to think up new variations on “intolerance?” Besides, you can always cloak those bigoted feelings with “heritage” and “religious freedom.”

This past week was a harsh blow for those in the U.S. who wave around “tradition” like a cudgel. But, to be fair, it was a tough week for those capable of empathy who dared to scroll down and read the comments section of news articles. See, people who fetishize racism by calling it the “good ol’ days,” you can still disrupt the happiness of the anti-regression crowd.

It’s going to be okay for you. Yes, right now it looks like “the other team” got a few points but your “team” will come back…or maybe you’ll realize that the very idea of political teams is silly and only people matter, but that’s my idiotic dream. Eventually, the majority in the U.S. will get freaked out that all these minorities are daring to exert their will upon the God-fearing European immigrants who bravely gentrified this country, and vote for a president or legislature that best reflects the most base prejudices that drive anglo-centric anxieties. Things will swing back. There will be opportunities to oppress the proletariate, I assure you.

Hey, buck up, lil’ bigot, think of it this way: even though you don’t get to openly wave a flag that represents racism (don’t try to argue “heritage,” the Confederate flag has never been waved at a pro-civil-rights rally but has been at a lot of white power functions, that’s where that conversation starts and ends), this is all really a distraction from the class war that’s subtly being waged upon all of us who have the audacity to seek happiness outside of a bed of money.

If you’re worried that your religious freedoms are being impeded because of the legalization of marriage for all, remember, you’re not being forced into having gay sex. This issue does not affect you at all. You get to compartmentalize and ignore that segment of the population. If you’re a small business owner in the wedding sector of the economy, you can still silently condemn gay people while taking their money. You can profit off of sinners! Isn’t that great!?! There’s a bright side to everything. You’re hastening their slip-and-slide to Hell, freeing up space in an already-crowded Heaven while also taking their money that you can donate to your church or buy magic markers so that you can black-out the pages on evolution from your children’s science textbooks.

It gets better. Go ahead, take some time, go down your nearest Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill, order some wings and drown your tears in your favorite American-branded-European-owned beer, and realize your point of view is still dominant. We’re still regurgitating fossil fuels into the air like a semi-truck with diarrhea, we’re still spying on everyone, American drones are still dropping American bombs on random groupings of brown people, the wage gap continues to ensure no one will ever be able to retire and we’ll all resort to an elderly version of Hunger Games, militarized police continue to thin the population of unarmed black people, the objectification and marginalization of women is still impressively pervasive and celebrated, atheists are maligned, and there’s still motor sports and fried food pioneers and Country Music awards. You’re still winning, yet you still retain the artistry of painting yourselves as victims. It’s truly an art form. Take comfort in that.