Have you ever seen a baby? A lot of them are disturbingly ugly. But you can’t tell new parents that their baby makes you want to self-spay-and-or-neuter. Besides, even if the baby is super cute, you don’t want to objectify a baby, that’s weird. But how do you compliment a baby that is basically just a chubby, squirming drool machine?
“You created that! You’re like a human 3d printer!” But that’s more like complimenting the parent. Which is fine because the baby doesn’t understand words yet. You can tell a baby to stop pooping its pants and you know what? It won’t because babies don’t know words.
“This creature doesn’t smell like poop.” Again, since babies can’t change themselves, it’s more a compliment for the parent. You disagree!?! Give a dirty baby some body wash and a loofa, come back an hour later, that baby’ll still stink. Damn stinky baby. Clean yo’ self, dirty baby!
“Your baby farts half as much as my dad and they both wear a diaper. But my dad is just lazy.” More of a look into my family life than a compliment for the baby, yet it works. Seriously, though, can someone talk to my dad and let him know that his experiment is super weird and he should just go to the bathroom or dig a hole in the backyard?
“What an amazing being. She/he contains all the hope and love and optimism contained in your and my vision of the future. Truly a spectacular and inspiring bundle of potential.” That one was just sincere. How do you like that? This bald expression of candor makes me uncomfortable, I’ll tell you that.
“Pretty sure this baby will cure cancer. I just have a feeling. I’m not saying it’s up to you to ensure this baby gets into a magnate school–despite my not knowing what the hell that means–but it would be a tragedy to humanity if this child didn’t at least figure out global warming solutions.” No pressure, new, sleep-deprived parent.
“Thank you for displaying your baby for me. Before I tell you anything about said baby, would you mind allowing me to spend some significant hours with your child so that I may form a more informed opinion of this brand new creature and base my compliment on a nuanced knowledge of this thing and its foibles.” If you don’t get arrested, this might be the nicest thing because, despite how creepily I worded it, you are offering to babysit for free.
However you decide to address a couple’s new sleep-deprivator, I dare you and defy you to compliment a baby on anything other than its appearance. Good luck.Your suggestions are welcomed.