Converting to Folksy

I have grown up enamored by folksy colloquialisms. My friend’s dad once said of the rain, “it’s like a cow pissing on a flat rock.” This type of simple-yet-beautiful metaphor captured my imagination.There’s nothing more charming to me than when someone casually drops something akin to, “that dog won’t hunt,” in a conversation.

Yoda is the epitome of the rural sage. He lives in a swamp and says cryptic b.s. I bet he also drove a truck and smoked menthols.
Yoda is the epitome of the rural sage. He lives in a swamp and says cryptic b.s. I bet he also drove a truck and smoked menthols.

I want to cultivate that charming folksisms. There’s a bit of down-home, relatable wisdom that endears you to people who enjoy bumper stickers and motivational posters. But I can’t just start using these metaphors without honing them first. Hence, I have to try them out here first.

“Hotter than a St. Bernard on a treadmill in a sauna.” Alternative: “Hotter ‘n an armpit of a sumo wrestler running a July marathon in Florida.”

“Colder than a naked armadillo at Christmas ‘neath the tire of a snow cone dealer.”

“That boy’s dumber’n a hat over a toupee.” Maybe that should have said “superfluous” rather than “dumb.” Or maybe I should make it more rural, like, “He’s dumber’n a pair a pants on a cow.” Nah, that’t not fun and folksy enough. A folksy metaphor has to baffle you at first hearing then cause you to sort of think it contains a bit of wisdom. “He’s dumber’n a

“That makes about as much sense as a fart from a penis.” Maybe the most apt of metaphors.

Sure, I'm dumb, but if I can come up with a series of relatable similes, I can change the perception of me to "homespun guru."
Sure, I’m dumb, but if I can come up with a series of relatable similes, I can change the perception of me to “homespun guru.”

“That sounds about as risky as sneaking up on a bear toyin’ with its prostate.” I picture this used when someone talks about stock investments.

When someone does something blisteringly stupid: “Holy hell, boy, ya’ might as well lick a faulty outlet.” Yuck, snooze. I can do better. “Ya’ might as well fart on a slow cooker.” Closer, but let me give you a menu of metaphors. “Well, that’s about as bright as lightin’ fireworks from yer ear.

I think what I’m learning is that the metaphors is that you need to make them more convoluted so that you can say less, drop the half-assed metaphor, then sneak off like you have something to do before you’re exposed as a fraud. Then I can be seen as “wise” while also lowering expectations.  “Oh, that rural slack-jawed dummy occasionally drools some home-spun wisdom. This must be a person able to simplistically boil down the most complex issues into shallow similes that we can all understand!” We all have dreams, this is mine.

Your own homespun similes and metaphors are welcomed.

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15 Comments

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  1. One that I hear a lot is, “hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire.”

    I don’t know why.

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  2. These folksy expressions are the poetry of the uneducated. The best ones always involve bodily functions or blasphemy, as in: “tighter than a bull’s ass in fly-time” “you’re about as deep as piss on a plate” and “he’s so crooked he’d steal Christ off the cross and go back for the spikes.” These are all real expressions, by the way, courtesy of my father who delighted in such literary endeavours. Oh, and how can I forget those winter-time favourites “cold as a witch’s tit” and “cold as a whore’s heart”?

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  3. abeerfortheshower July 20, 2015 — 8:32 am

    Bless your heart, this post had me laughing harder than a wet fart in church. Why, if I tried to think of all the folkish colloquialisms I’ve heard over the years I’d be busier than a one-armed monkey with three peckers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta piss so bad my eyeballs are floatin’, so I’m gonna go shake hands with the mayor.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One I really never understand was “went to hell in a handbasket” Any idea?

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  5. I used to use a lot of phrases like this when I wrote, because for some reason it seems charming coming from a chick.

    When I worked construction (don’t ask), I picked up a few. I like “Shoot fire in a bucket.” I have no idea what that means.

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  6. You need to study President Lyndon Johnson. He was full of “cornpone” expressions.

    Love,
    Janie

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  7. Cuter than a kitty….. kitty…cute…damnit. I lost it.

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  8. Never heard these sayings, just so you know, here when one is busy you say they are flat out like a lizard drinking, and when it is stinking bloody hot it is hot enough to fry and egg…………………

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  9. Okay, let me see if I’ve got the hang of this:

    That’s dumber’n a rattlesnake on witness protection!

    Yoor like a mule that’s pissin’ out ‘is eyeballs!

    Sweeter’n a jam jar fulla moonshine!

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  10. I know someone who says “I sweating more than a whore on dollar day” 🙂
    I really love A Beer’s sayings!

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  11. You’re really good at these, Pickleope Von Pickleope. If I tried, I’d sound worse than a blind mime, more crazed than Richard Simmons on crack, less funny than a horse’s arse (See; I’m one of those boring jokesters, who simply compares everything to a “horse’s arse”.)

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  12. More contrived than a simile…

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