There’s seemingly a lot of anger out there. Now, I know that this is probably an artificial mirage caused by the internet. There’s probably the same amount of anger that has always been out there, but now the megaphone is bigger. However, mistakenly use “your” instead of “you’re” on the internet and you will know that rage is ever-prevalent. Just as the internet has over-exposed us to rage, it has splintered the rage of the populace into very specific and very fleeting causes.
At one minute we’re angry at a comedian for a dumb tweet–Wait, some dentist killed a lion that has a name–ACK! Someone over there said something mildly insensitive about something I care about–Oh no, Donald “Sour-Faced Orange Swirl of Self Denial” Trump said something into a microphone! There’s too much to be angry about so whatever pet cause you are interested in protesting is lost in the din of the ever-shifting tides of social media aggrandizement-through-pseudo-anger.
If you want the world to know you’re angry about something but don’t have the sustained interest to generate a movement or the barest of attention to your pet cause, I have a solution for you (if you have enough money)! For a modest fee, my team of operatives and I will protest whatever you want protested. We will make the signs, we will make fuss, we will manufacture the outrage for you! An angry tweet is about as effective at enacting change as a fart in a field on a windy day. Let us be your fart in a crowded elevator on a Summer day! The world will smell your wrath.
Now, I’m a Social Justice Pacifist. All that means is that I don’t get worked up for much. But if you pay me, I will get worked up for things I didn’t even know anyone cared about! You’re enraged that your favorite TV show was cancelled? I’ll rally people to convince the network the show they’re losing money on deserves one more season (success of protest is not guaranteed). Are you the only radicalized Christian left outside Planned Parenthood who doesn’t make the connection that Planned Parenthood does more to prevent reckless sex in a day than a million “abstinence only” classes do or have done throughout recorded history you deranged myopic hypocrite? Give me a call, just know that the cost of my services is based on an arbitrary sliding scale depending on how much of a vile ass-clown I deem you to be.
At Hire-A-Protester, there’s no cause to small, we price them all! That’s not a very good slogan. Maybe there’s another fart metaphor I could use…Got it: Don’t let your anger be a fart in an open convertible driving down the freeway, let us be your juicy airplane fart! Fart metaphors are the best way to market a fledgling business, right? Hey, maybe you want to protest excessive fart metaphors in blogs: Don’t be like a muffled fart while swimming in the ocean, let us magnify your fart like when you barely poot in a shower and the steam magnifies it as though you just pooped.