Jolene, Ya’ Done Goofed

My favorite song in existence might be “Jolene” as sung by Dolly Parton. Dolly’s (I don’t have to call her Ms. Parton because we’re cool like that) voice is astounding. I love the song because of her vocal range and how she gets across the desperation of the lyrics.

I even like Miley Cyrus’s version. That said, I don’t like the lyrics. I think the narrator of the song misses the point. For those lyric-adverse (which I generally am) it’s a song about a person in a committed relationship begging a woman not to have carnal relations with her man. But I think she takes the wrong angle with her supposed sexual rival.

Instead of begging a potential seductress not to turn her fellow into a philanderer, she should reveal the reality of being in a relationship with that guy to this Jolene. I propose alternative lyrics should Dolly wish to re-record the song (She’s a reader. She usually reads this blog in Holly Jolly Junction at Dollywood.):

There is going to be a rebooted Muppet Show, may I suggest this as a duet? Image Source
There is going to be a rebooted Muppet Show, may I suggest this as a duet? Image Source

“Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/It seems like fun ’cause he’s showing you his best side/Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/After sex it ain’t unusual to ask him why he cried.

“You smell real nice/Not after he farts on ya’ twice/That grey pube on your toothbrush came from his ween.

“He don’t talk during dinner much/On a date he’ll insist you go Dutch/I’m just lookin’ out for other women, Jolene.

“I can easily understand/Why you’d think he’d be a good man/But you don’t know what I endure, Jolene.”

“Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/You ain’t yet seen his idiosyncrasies/Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/Damned if his crotch don’t always smell like cheese.

“He’s got the worst sleep apnea/I hope you’re cool with insomnia/And he won’t eat anything the color green.

“He makes moonshine in Appalachia/And once fell for a scam from Latvia/He’s dumber ‘n a Van Damme movie from the 80’s, Jolene.

“Don’t ask his thoughts on immigrants/the moonshine causes bouts of impotence/Is one night worth all this, Jolene?

“Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/I’m questioning why I’m with him at all/Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/Go ahead, take him have a ball!”

That's the Dolly I know. Not the one who begs for fidelity. Does 9 to 5 hold up?
That’s the Dolly I know. Not the one who begs for fidelity. Does 9 to 5 hold up?

Pretty sure if you gather together anyone’s odd traits and quirks you could drown any fleeting puppy lust. Jolene would have run, changed jobs,  assumed an identity, maybe become celibate.

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13 Comments

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  1. Hahaha, I like the way you think. And the way face glistens when the sun hits the brine just so.

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  2. Aahahahaaahhahaaa! Love the lyrics!

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  3. Funny, funny. I do like Dolly as well, and she did a great job in 9 to 5, didn’t she. I have to say that Miley does a good job with the song, and I do like the backyard setting for her song.

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  4. Love the rewrite! Way more effective. While I’m not a country music fan per se, I think Dolly’s is alright. Actually, I’d like her more but I just can’t get past the humongous boobs. Actually, oncoming traffic can’t get past her humongous boobs (BA-DUM-TSS!!!). I’m kidding! I’m kidding! I love boobs.

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  5. Ah my favourite song in all the world is

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  6. It’s always difficult to see reality through a flood of hormones. The new lyrics are terrific and I’ll bet if you sent them to Dolly she would laughing pretty hard. Even Weird Al would probably want to do them.

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  7. I love Dolly and love that song, but yeah, I feel sorry for the woman who married my ex-husband. I’m sure she had no idea that at one point he was psychotic and believed he was God. Or maybe she wanted to be a nun and be the bride of Christ because she won’t be getting laid since he’s impotent. Gosh. Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest. I think Dolly looks better as she ages. That outfit in the TV clip? Major camel toe. I loved 9 to 5, but I haven’t seen it in a long time.

    Love,
    Janie

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    • Your story about your ex is astounding and I applaud you for getting out. Did you not tell that woman who married him so that you could pass her off or because you wanted someone else to relate to your pain?
      You are more than welcome and in fact, thank you for getting all that out.
      I’m going to stop you on that “gets better with age” notion. Dolly herself says, “you’d be shocked by how much it costs to look this cheap.” She’s amazing but still, we all have our insecurities, hers manifests in too much surgery.

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      • I don’t think her surgery looks too bad, but I’ve never seen her in person. She also often says she looks like a hooker. She has a nice self-deprecating sense of humor. I didn’t know X was getting married, but if I had known, I wouldn’t have warned my replacement. He’s her problem now. Our kids found out on Facebook that he’d gotten married. The asshole couldn’t even tell his own children–if they are, in fact, his. hahahahaha

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  8. I’m ashamed to say I never one thought about what this song was about.

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  9. Pickleope, your lyrics show you are a modern woman. I quite like it.

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  10. Oh I’m sorry, you were trying to get a point across. I was just so distracted by Ms. Parton’s (we’re not cool that way) um… very modest camel toe in that video you posted. You were saying? He’s dumber ‘n a Van Damme movie from the 80’s? Damn, Pick, that is harsh!

    Here’s what I think: I think you should reboot this song and make a million bucks. I have faith in you, you know that.

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  11. abeerfortheshower September 7, 2015 — 7:54 am

    Bravo. Your ability to pair the rhyming of idiosyncrasies and smell like cheese is why we like you. Maybe Dolly ended up getting all of that plastic surgery because Jolene kept stealing her man?

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