My favorite song in existence might be “Jolene” as sung by Dolly Parton. Dolly’s (I don’t have to call her Ms. Parton because we’re cool like that) voice is astounding. I love the song because of her vocal range and how she gets across the desperation of the lyrics.
I even like Miley Cyrus’s version. That said, I don’t like the lyrics. I think the narrator of the song misses the point. For those lyric-adverse (which I generally am) it’s a song about a person in a committed relationship begging a woman not to have carnal relations with her man. But I think she takes the wrong angle with her supposed sexual rival.
Instead of begging a potential seductress not to turn her fellow into a philanderer, she should reveal the reality of being in a relationship with that guy to this Jolene. I propose alternative lyrics should Dolly wish to re-record the song (She’s a reader. She usually reads this blog in Holly Jolly Junction at Dollywood.):
“Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/It seems like fun ’cause he’s showing you his best side/Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/After sex it ain’t unusual to ask him why he cried.
“You smell real nice/Not after he farts on ya’ twice/That grey pube on your toothbrush came from his ween.
“He don’t talk during dinner much/On a date he’ll insist you go Dutch/I’m just lookin’ out for other women, Jolene.
“I can easily understand/Why you’d think he’d be a good man/But you don’t know what I endure, Jolene.”
“Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/You ain’t yet seen his idiosyncrasies/Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/Damned if his crotch don’t always smell like cheese.
“He’s got the worst sleep apnea/I hope you’re cool with insomnia/And he won’t eat anything the color green.
“He makes moonshine in Appalachia/And once fell for a scam from Latvia/He’s dumber ‘n a Van Damme movie from the 80’s, Jolene.
“Don’t ask his thoughts on immigrants/the moonshine causes bouts of impotence/Is one night worth all this, Jolene?
“Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/I’m questioning why I’m with him at all/Jolene, Jolene, Joooleeeene/Go ahead, take him have a ball!”
Pretty sure if you gather together anyone’s odd traits and quirks you could drown any fleeting puppy lust. Jolene would have run, changed jobs, assumed an identity, maybe become celibate.