Evil Spirits Need Better Timing

Paranormal entities have strange tendencies. Evil spirits in particular seem to have no sense of timing. Either they’re strangely dedicated to a slow-build or they immediately tip their hand.

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You’ve probably heard about the Amityville Horror, if not, here’s a synopsis: crazy dude murders his family in the house, new family moves into house then claim to be terrorized by evil spirits. But if you’ve read the book or seen the multiple movies about this haunting, the ghosts do a slow build to the truly horrifying. The same thing with the movie Poltergeist, the house is built on an Indian burial ground and the evil spirits (that’s probably a racist characterization) want the family out. In both cases, why do the spirits start subtly and build up to the crazy bleeding walls and flies everywhere and sucking a child into a television? Why not start with that if you don’t want the people in the house?

If the spirits really don’t want the family in the house, why not start when the realtor is giving them the walk-through!?! “It’s a three bedroom but one of the bedrooms smells like burning tires and has sentient dolls who will murder your pet dog. But that won’t affect your decision, right?”  And with haunted houses, the ghosts are never playful. It’s never that the ghost enjoyed the house and also wants you to enjoy the house so you wake up and the ghost has made you coffee or you’re bored and the ghost makes potatoes dance like Benny and Joon.

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These are all malevolent ghosts who just so happen to have a sense and tendency toward dramatic escalation like it’s a video game and they have to unlock achievements? Step one: make rocking chair rock. Step 2: glowing red eyes in mirrors and in windows. Step 3: appear in pictures. Step 4: leave painful red welts on people. Step 5: oozing walls. Step 6: the most menacing thing ever, playing Jimmy Buffet’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise” on an endless loop at deafening volume.

“Okay, guys, we got a new family, let’s throw plates at them and make their baby crawl on the ceiling!”

“Dammit, Billy, we are malevolent spirits who are trapped here for eternity, we can’t blow our load before they’ve even unpacked their boxes! Patience.”

On the other side of the malevolent spirit coin is demonic possession where the evil spirit loses all sense of subtlety and immediately starts with head spinning and vomit. If you’re a demon trying to escape Hell by taking possession of a little girl, wouldn’t you just lay low and do some of your evil shenanigans on the sly? You can still masturbate with a crucifix (not an endorsement) but you don’t have to do it in front of a priest, that’s a bit like buying a muscle car in your 40’s, your inadequacy is showing.

Ha, this is ancient art, so I don't have to source it! Suck it, dead artists!
See, you made a big stink and now you’re off back to Hell. Great job on your one day on Earth, dumb demon.

Just relax, demon. We all know you’re excited to be out of Hell, but you’re like a teen boy on prom night, maybe settle down a bit. You’re tipping your hand too quick. Savor the experience. If you really need to indulge the demonic tendencies maybe give the kid a crippling addiction or get her into stock trading, the slow evil.

Wait a second, I just realized all I’m doing is giving tips to evil entities.


Add yours →

  1. This is why I have a cat. Evil spirit/bug/dust-in-air watcher. She’s my little alarm system.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d like to be possessed by a demon. Either that or abducted by aliens. Either one.

    If you have any connections that can make this happen, please tell them about me!


  3. Debra She Who Seeks October 19, 2015 — 8:14 am

    Why AREN’T you endorsing masturbation with a crucifix? Are you toning down your sexual perversity in your old age or something? Sheesh.


  4. abeerfortheshower October 19, 2015 — 8:25 am

    Yes, yes, yes. Those Paranormal Activity ones are the absolute worst. Talk about slow burn to the max.

    Ghost: “I want to kill and possess these people. I know, let’s slam the door, just one time, at exact 3:15 AM!”
    *Ghost runs away giddily, laughing like a school girl*
    Ghost: Oh, what will I do tomorrow night? I know, I’ll slam the door TWICE! At the exact same time as last night!

    Frankly, I find Jimmy Buffet’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise” so much more terrifying.


  5. Very appropriate post for Halloween week!


  6. You make an astute point, as always, Pickleope Von Pickleope. Do you think that realtors are paying off the ghosts to keep it on the down low until sweet, innocent families have unpacked the last of their Tupperware?


  7. Correction : Poltergeist was about a family that lived in a housing development that was once a cemetery. They only moved the headstones, not the bodies. Therefore, haunted hell happened.

    On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if most ghosts are just amateurs out with a pro. You know, like learning the ropes of how to haunt in ten easy lessons.


  8. I have nine cats each with nine lives. They are my familiars. This farm is a hundred years old this year and I am concerned about the spirits of the dead chickens and cows, but I have my cats. They are lions when needed, but otherwise just eat, poop and throw up a lot. I am on my own.


  9. Maybe the ghosts usually scare people off with the tamer stuff. It might get to a point where the ghosts look at each other and say “I don’t get it! The Howards ran off with just a tiny bit of curtain action! Why are these guys still here?” Then they have to get creative and escalate it.


  10. I’ve never seen any of those creepy movies. All I have to do is think about my ex-husband, and I’m terrified. He allowed his evil nature to reveal itself slowly.



  11. You can still masturbatewith a crucifix but you don’t have to do it in front of a priest… Now you’re telling me.

    Excellent post.


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