There’s a lot about ghosts I don’t understand. Like, how do they still have their clothes?
Why aren’t there any monkey ghosts? And would a monkey ghost be as cute and charming as a living monkey?
What’s the appropriate amount of time to wait from when a spouse dies to try to have sex with his/her ghost? You know, rock that ectoplasm? “Til’ death do us part,” is a convention of the close minded. If my spouse comes a-haunting, I would like to make sure that we’re still simpatico. Maybe ghost/human sex is the best thing ever, but also, I don’t want to freak out the freshly dead. So how long should we give our dead partners to transition before lighting some candles, putting on some Luther Vandross, and letting nature take its course. Also, do I have to worry about pregnancy or STDs with ghosts? I don’t want ghost-Herpes.
What’s funnier, a ghost dressed like a wizard or a fat ghost in an ill-fitting shirt and Daisy Dukes? (That’s my mom asking. She smokes a lot of weed.)
If I want to be a ghost should I just have a lot of unfinished business? Like maybe start a bunch of craft projects and leave them in a closet? I’m not sure if I’m righteous enough to go “up” so to speak, but I certainly don’t want to go to Hell, so maybe I should split the difference. (I just wrote that and realized I was okay with writing “Hell” but squeamish about writing “Heaven”. Sorry, just a weird insight into my madness.)
If there’s a ghost in my bedroom masturbating, should I politely let him/her finish or is more polite to turn on a porno? There have to be people who died in the middle of sex or while masturbating and BOOM, heart attack. Isn’t that the epitome of unfinished business?
Do ghosts use the bathroom? Elvis died on the toilet, so is he locked in eternal poo?
What’s the point of ghost hunters? “Well, we did it, we saw a ghost. Huh? Oh, no, we don’t have the means to bust the ghost or really do anything with it. It’s just there. Ghost, consider yourself hunted.”
If we get to keep your clothes when we die (again, you never see a naked ghost), should I start dressing like Spider-Man all the time just in case?
That’s a nice bookend. People would lose their mind if they saw a Spider-Man ghost. Are there any questions about ghosts I’m missing?